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I've noticed that I tend to get kind of flustered in social situations. I can be a little bit shy and awkward and once I feel i've slipped up in a social situation by doing or saying something awkward, I get flustered and then find it hard to recover and end up being more awkward and flustered and everything just spirals from there until afterwards and i'm alone and realising that i've pretty much been out my body on some sort of anxious auto-pilot for the whole duration of the social situation.
Obviously this isnt ideal for any situation but especially not when trying to follow FDS advice as theres a lot to keep tabs on which I simply cant if i'm flustered and ungrounded. I'll tend to babble on and just come across completely not how I want to, or how is beneficial... being mysterious, carrying yourself well, keeping your focus on him... Its impossible when i'm not in a calm state.
Does anyone have any advice for this?
Take on board that mostly people don't care about what you are doing, they are far too busy hoping they look good. The pressure to get things right is mostly internalised.
Changing how you act is bloody impossible without the internal work which informs it. One cannot just pretend to be mysterious because you'll merely end up secretive. It comes from not worrying what others think and not needing to change them; you will be over here, minding your own business and doing your own thing.
One cannot carry oneself well without self-esteem. It will change your body language naturally.
One cannot keep the focus on him without accepting that he is the interviewee. When one feels the need to earn the man and his attention it becomes about you.
So the answer to all of this is do the therapy, self-care, prioritise self, etc until you believe in your inherent self worth
have you tried a meditation or breathing practice?
social interaction is difficult. it’s a skill! and i feel like women have been taught to always take on a certain role in social situations, like diffusing tensions, being the peacemaker, making everyone feel comfortable.
i wonder what equitable social skills would look like if women weren’t forced to perform 80-90% of the emotional labor during interactions?
I struggle with this as well, and I find myself checking out if the conversation gets too heightened. I have found that staying present makes me feel more calm, even if I don’t have anything to say I am here for the conversation, and paying attention. Then usually I can follow along, and better get my point across. In my projects there are A LOT of type As, and I kind of have just accepted that I can’t out talk them. Also, not internalizing, your group really does make a difference. I am always thinking how what I say will affect other people, and that’s pointless because all I can do is make assumptions about how they feel, which are not facts. So I try to stay present with that as well.
Build your self-esteem. Really work on defining what it is and then building it.