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Here's an overview: I'm 25 years old. Didn't graduate college due to difficulties with authority figures, but fortunate enough to have an IT related job with below average salary. I plan to take a software development course online, but I don't have enough funds, so my next step is to do side hustles. I feel too apathetic to pass up cover letters on Upwork, I've spent my connections without getting a reply. My target niche is copywriting, seo writing, and ux design.
I'm also writing a book which I started this 2019, and I intend to finish the first draft before 2024 ends. This passion project is the only thing that extends my life.
I tried antidepressants, but realized that anxiety is also my fuel on making things happen. I've abruptly stopped my meds bc my prescription expired and my psychiatrist is out of reach, so I'm currently experiencing brain zaps + constant sleep deprivation.
So here's the thing, I'm struggling to fix my habits. My job has 3 days wfh, 2 days onsite, and I finish my tasks with 3-4 hours remaining. Yet those free remaining hours, I'll spend them on gaming or doomscrolling.
My routine back in pandemic was; meditation > yoga > read > write > workout > then write at night.
Yet now I'll waste so much time on pointless activities. I am aware I do them due to stress.
What usually happens is past 8pm, that's when I'll start rushing my routine. I'll start writing around 12am, and force myself to sleep at 1am. By then, my body is fully awake, and so I end up repeating the same pattern of zombie behavior and rushed productivity. 7 hours sleep isn't enough for me.
What do I do? I live in the Philippines, so I may not have the same opportunities as those living in first world countries. I am spent. I am always fatigued, I feel so mentally and physically weak.
Help me strategize my life. I want to glow up, I need to get my shit together.
Seriously consider finding a therapist you feel safe talking to (and whose responses you can respect and appreciate - for me this meant finding someone who could have a conversation with me as opposed to just listening and asking what I wanted to talk about), AND a psychiatrist. You may not have just depression, as there are many co-morbidities with depression. Or, you could have bipolar disorder, like me. I tried lots of anti-depressants and I didn’t like how they either made me more anxious, or made me unable to use my anxiety as a motivator. Finally, I tried a few mood stabilizers, and found one that works for me (as a bonus, it also makes me very sleepy, so it has forced me to maintain a good sleep schedule). Consider talking to doctors about what you’re going though, and even if you choose not to go the route of medication, a therapist can help you work through a lot of the things you’ve discussed in your post here. I highly recommend it, having someone who is trained to help with your specific issues and who is on your side is truly invaluable. Some of them offer sliding-scale costs if your insurance doesn’t cover, and it’s very much worth it even if you can only afford to go once a month.
I also recommend volunteering for a cause you care about. For me, that was feeding the cats at my local rescue. It was almost entirely self-led, but I had to sign up ahead of time for shifts and reliably show up, and this helped me get back into a routine of doing things that made me feel good.
Another thing that has helped me is journaling, and logging the activities you do that bring positivity to your life. After a month, you’ll start to notice that on the days or weeks when you prioritized those activities, your mental health was also better, and you probably had more energy, creativity, etc too. It may feel like your anxiety is the only thing motivating you right now, but I promise it doesn’t have to be the only thing. Restart those good habits today, and remember that every day you can start over. One missed day doesn’t mean you’ve failed and should give up - it’s just an opportunity to try again tomorrow.