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It’s been said here a lot that LVM will test you by treating you badly and lose respect for you if you allow it, and still continue to treat you that way because *you* deserve it because *you* allowed it.
As someone who’s grown up with a narcissistic mother, I’m still struggling to not just take disrespect and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do.
Like say for example at work it’s male dominated and they are mostly LVM. I always feel like I am at the whims of these people and their requests, and because of my low self esteem, I feel that I am not worth anything else because I will lose my job if I do not meet every request. And so I feel like it’s my own fault for getting treated badly because I don’t know how to protect myself.
And I’m trying to leave this current job but the sadness and exhaustion from this makes it hard to even start applying (along with all the interview prep thats required in tech). The exhaustion and depression just makes me lie in bed after work and dissociate on my phone.
and I’m scared that if I continue to let men disrespect me then I’ll never even be able to date because I’ll allow LVM into my life.
So basically I’d like advice on how I can even begin to gather self respect and not feel obligated to meet every person’s needs without fear of some consequence (I.e ppl complaining about me not doing enough work).
I always keep my resume polished up and maintain my relationships with my recruiters. That way, I can leave at the drop of a hat. Preparation, my dear. Always go into a job thinking of rhe next job, and always remember that they can say and do a lot of things to you, but they cannot take your knowledge away. So even jobs that were disasters for me due to crazy bosses end up going in my favor, because my attitude has always been, "Fuck these guys. I'm gonna learn everything I can here and move on."
You usually have to do something like grey rocking. You don't need to get actively mad at them, but you can sort of ice them out. I teach at a college and even though most of my students are men, they've generally been pretty respectful because obviously I'm controlling their marks. The one exception is old scrotes: they're usually from trades and trying to reskill in my discipline and they always have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to me. The only thing that works is 1) being extremely neutral in my tone 2) not over explaining anything 3) setting clear and explicit boundaries (e.g. "I won't be responding to any emails on the matter." - they tend to think begging me and spamming me with emails will make me grant them exceptions, despite being assholes)
They basically bust in their pants if they see you're either angry or overly friendly/submissive, so #1 is super important. Internally it's also important to sort of try and detach from your interactions with them. The only question you should be asking yourself is "could they successfully report me based on what I've said/done?" - if the answer is no, then you don't need to stress, regardless of what they think of you.
Start centering yourself at home and as you can at work. Check in with yourself often throughout the day. Figure out when you’re alone and quiet what triggers you the most at work, and think of contingencies. You’re only at the whim of your actual boss. LVMs often try to act like mini-bosses without any authority so figure out who has the real authority in your office. This is crucial. Practice saying things like “I can do that at x time. Right now I’m doing y project.” That shows you have priorities and their request may be put on your list but you’re not going to drop everything. Make sure your resume is updated as LBC Tosca said and if it’s just a toxic workplace with a bunch of bums, level up and get out if you can. Best of luck.
Read ‘Get Out of Your Own Way’ by Mark Goulston. Straightforward guide to learning how to develop boundaries. Pretty sure you can find a PDF free online if you google it.