This is a topic that I’m currently thinking about a lot. This is going to be quite vulnerable, so if you as the reader don’t have the mental capacity for that right now, this is your warning to stop reading.
In my previous relationship, my partner was definitely the more experienced of us. He was already well-traveled and well-connected to important people at a young age, has many highly educated and successful relatives (whereas mine are formerly poor / now working class), is very ambitious and a natural leader and has held many important positions at our university, his community and at work. He could “show me the world”, so to speak, and always had advice or insight, no matter the issue. He often challenged me to get out of my comfort zone and to dream bigger. His status and wealth seemed to open up new opportunities and a higher standard of living for me. In many ways, they did.
My current partner is much closer in status to me, and his horizon doesn’t really extend beyond mine. He is not someone who can “teach me how the world works”, he is not a guiding figure or a role model in that regard (he has admirable skills, but they do not belong in the category of “how to achieve conventional success”). He has his own sh*t that needs attention, he is not an expert on the issues I am facing, and he can’t do much more than hold space for my feelings when stuff gets difficult — which he does.
So this is where I’m conflicted: I was suffering from the power differential in my previous relationship, and often felt emotionally unfulfilled. Sometimes it felt like a business more than a relationship. But we all know that romance is overrated, feelings are fleeting and long-term stability and security must often be achieved through pragmatic trade-offs. And to his credit, he was committed to the relationship even in the presence of emotional trouble. Maybe I was stupid to prioritize romance and emotional support over “hard facts” like earning potential, life experience and status. Sometimes I still beat myself up for breaking up with him, because I feel like I squandered a chance to be “elevated” into a social class that is quite closed off to outsiders and where only a lucky few can get access to through their own work. It sucks, but for many people, especially women, social mobility is achieved through close relationships with more powerful people (which often translates to hypergamy). Btw, I don’t need to hear that I can “have it all” by myself if I just work hard enough; I know that’s theoretically possible, but there’s still many barriers involved that I experienced firsthand.
On the other hand, I was frequently unhappy with the role of the “inferior” partner. I always felt like I was a project, that I still had so much to learn that I’d never catch up. I had a hard time deriving a sense of self-worth from a place outside of academic or career achievement. My ex always accused me of having a “victim mentality” when I talked about barriers I faced, which felt unfair to me, but I do know that complaining about your life and not changing anything isn’t going to get you anywhere. In this world, achievement IS important, and maybe I SHOULD have focused on catching up. I know this, and yet being constantly interrogated about my long-term life strategy did nothing to help me, it just made me more afraid of failure, afraid of the future. I realize it must have been hard for him to be with someone who was, in his eyes, “underachieving” and “not living up to their potential”, but I sometimes feel that I would have deserved more compassion, which I am also questioning because sometimes we do need some tough love. My current relationship feels a lot more supportive to me, but maybe it's just "enabling" me?
So now the jury is out on whether I have my priorities wrong, and should approach the decision of whom to date from a more businesslike perspective, or I still have a father wound from having a deadbeat dad and am foolishly looking for a man to “save” me. It further confuses me that FDS encourages women to go after men who have lots of money and connections that they are willing to share with their partners. I am now quite unsure of whether I (should) want someone to guide and lead me, or whether I need someone who will just hold my hand. I usually have a strong opinion on this, which I've frequently voiced on here, but I've recently started to question it.
I am obviously still going back and forth on my own judgment here, because sadly I’ve not felt like I can trust myself for a long time now. I’d be happy to hear some perspectives. Not to tell me what to think, but just to give my brain some new directions since I feel like I’m going in circles at the moment.
For me...a lot. I'm basically where I am today because of the men I dated. My first boyfriend convinced me to get a technical degree when I thought there was no way I would be able to handle it. He tutored me and helped me with homework and studying for exams. Now I have a very high paying job and only because I didn't go into the "softer" degree that I was planning on doing (and that my parents encouraged me to do). I broke up with him because the relationship got kind of boring to me and also at some point I no longer needed help.
My second ex helped me write five first author papers at the top conference of my field. He literally came up with the ideas and gave me bite-sized projects and then put me as first author to help me build a career. Now the papers are forever part of my resume.
Now I'm starting my own company and my boyfriend helps me with his connections for fundraising and also technical advice.
I don't care about being "inferior." I only care about improving.
So yeah, I do care if my boyfriend gives me guidance. I don't think that necessarily means they will start being controlling, I think you can just run at the first drop of controlling behavior.