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Before I embraced FDS, even when I followed it but was in denial I:
Took hours to look good for a night out while men around me barely showered
Let an abusive partner go 50/50 with me but then used me as a live-in maid
Had no self confidence
Lost interest in even trying in life - depression.
Felt like a loser nobody who was lucky to even have a man with a job even though I knew I was settling.
Couldn't find work due to mental illness and abuse, then struggled to work when I finally found any.
Felt like I couldn't "treat myself" because my ex didn't want me to spend money (but he could of course).
Felt like I had no rights or value. I wasn't allowed to say or do anything that might compromise my partner's appearance to the world.
Long story short, I was a shell of a person, trapped in a place without work or friends. I tried, but I was fighting a massive battle on my own. Reading FDS was the only thing that validated me. I would listen to the podcast while cleaning the apartment. My ex would complain about me listening to it, but it was the one thing I refused to budge on. I guarantee you now, this man will blame you guys for me leaving. GOOD. I have become the woman he feared I would - the type abusive men can't keep under their thumb. Men fear that we will find ourselves and that they will have to be alone or face actually being decent partners. They fear losing their many privileges. Here's who I am now:
I say no when I want
I expect men to pay and I outright refuse 50/50.
If a man throws a tantrum at me, I don't try to calm him down, I quietly exit.
In a big mixed group, if the men start being sexist, I am the first to defend women.
I am loud and proud about choosing women over men.
I am awake. I know men don't see our friendships as friendship. I still do, but I know to be sensible in case they do anything.
When it comes to business, I don't go above and beyond when I can already sense the other person is "off".
In my everyday life, I make myself look "cute" if I feel like it.
I realise that most men like most women, so I am attractive as I am (you wouldn't believe how much power this one gives you!)
How have you changed ladies? Or what do you hope to change?
FDS changes everything. The biggest thing it has done for me is to crystallize my decision to keep away from men and live my life for myself without apology and focus on contributing something meaningful to this world. I am a worthy human being. I am not defined by my age, weight, looks, or relationship status.
I love this post. Kudos to you. You’ve made huge strides. This is seriously impressive.
What I’ve changed:
-Took control of my finances
-Stopped wasting time on an on-again, off-again relationship
-Set boundaries with my emotionally abusive family members
-Stopped letting other women bully me
-Felt more confident to express my opinion
-Submitted some of my work for potential publication
-Began working out again
-Got out of the house more despite having pretty severe anxiety
-Made friendships with independent, strong, kind, thoughtful women
-Ditched friendships where there was no integrity or meaningful connection
-Began to believe that I am a valuable human being just as I am -- I do not need to be young, beautiful, in a relationship, wealthy, or any other particular thing to be a person who is valued and worthy of love.
-Stopped centering men. I’m not planning my life around them anymore. I don’t waste hours trying to strategize how to attract one or keep one.
I don’t jump through mental hoops.
Instead I put that time back into my own life, and trying to be supportive of other women.
Yes! I live for stories like this. So happy for you. 👏😊 Getting out of an abusive relationship and lifting the veil from the world's misogyny is life-changing. I've been there. It's really hard at first to give up everything you've known, and there is a period of wishing you could go back to blissful ignorance, but then it's just freeing. It gives you permission to prioritize yourself and your needs, because no one else will, and many of those you're told to love will even actively seek to destroy you. Women can achieve great things if they set their minds free. I'd like to see every woman start to delight in her own insightfulness, intuition and creativity again. Men can never take your light if you don't let them. I personally feel so much healthier and more secure in myself since I discovered radical feminism and found the courage to leave my own abusive ex. And I am definitely and unapologetically defending women when I get the chance, when I used to side with men because I wanted a seat at the table. No more!
FDS helped my mental health incredibly. I was the doormat, the stereotypical nice girl that guys liked to walk all over. Fuck that. I embraced the FDS mantra, delved into the handbook, and changed my ways. People can call me a narcissist, a bitch, frigid now, but I'm happier than ever. It just goes to show how transformative decentering men can help with women's mental health.
Don't waste your empathy, kindness, and understanding on males, ladies. 99 percent don't deserve it and you're best focusing your attention elsewhere.
I've realised that it's not me it's them. I used to cry when I got ghosted or rejected but now I'm content doing my own thing and I recognise lv behaviour much quicker in those around me and steer clear. Well done Queen!
So called friends soon started attacking me with novel length texts and smear campaigns soon after I discovered FDS and reinforced my boundaries and standard. Soon after they took themselves out of my life and I soon blocked and deleted other people who clearly were not healthy for me or wanted to use me straight up.
FDS has changed my life in fundamental ways for the better.
I prioritize myself, my comfort and my health now
This community gave me the insight and support I needed to leave an emotionally abusive and cheating scrote.
I see men for what they are and not through rose colored pickme lenses
I no longer put dating as a top priority and instead center my own self, passions, peace and learning
I have the mental tools and strategies to protect myself now by properly vetting everyone around me
Another woman I know came up with the saying, “High standards protect you from having low quality experiences“ and it really is reality
Very happy to see you found yourself! I wish you more success and even more peace of mind for the future. I love seeing women thrive <3
You are the true, real definition of being "woke". Your eyes have opened to those male supremacist world and you're now helping other women in it! Thank you🩷
thank you for sharing your journey, and for the invitation to discussion:
we weren't dating long, but i did start to invest in him, only to have him pull a complete 180.
in the last ~two months since that scrotastic disaster, i have:
- made it into the top 9% globally in my age group of women in my sport
- nearly completed my Machine Learning Specialization course (the lab is killing me, but i can do it!)
- secured two new clients who committed to 3-month contracts
- have entered into negotiations for an amazing new road bike
- partially upgraded my bedding (helloooo comfy new comforter)
- got started with my spring wildflower planting (they make me sooo happy)
- am learning a ton from facilitated discussion on this forum about current events related to women's rights, feminism and gendered cultural values
- rekindled my pen-and-ink sketchbook practice (i have a Master's in the arts)
- regained the muscle i lost while we were dating (it's amazing how fast this can happen), and then some
not bad for 51 days!
this is also making me see that it's ok to give myself permission to rest and check in with my emotions and soul. time for some more time in nature!
stay strong, Queens. 👑