Are you crying?

"I hate that my eyes automatically water when someone yells at me"

"I hate that I cries easily. I hate that people calls me sensitive and a princess."

"Why does it hurt me so much when someone calls me sensitive and fragile?"

"I wish I can be as cold and detached when dealing with toxic people -- I am so soft-hearted!"

And thus, you start hearing this advice floating around the female-centric spaces:

"Don't cry."

No.

I am the one you are so desperately hoping to become.

For those who doesn't know, I am on the spectrum. On the side where my brain connections with my emotions aren't good.

I do feel, but not as much and as smoothly as others. Except for one emotion in particular: anger.

So you can imagine how I would react when people start yelling and throwing all kinds of insults imaginable straight to my face.

A blank stare. A smile. Holding back from yawning or laughing from looking at the 😡 face. That's why in my case people always resort to ostracization and smear campaign, because direct hostility never work.

People would beg to know how can I be so stone-faced and cold-hearted.

To that I will always say, "I don't wish it on anyone."

Why? Because I have it for a reason, and you don't have it for a reason.

So hearing this particular advice about "Learn how to not cry" again and again, citing people like me as the ultimate goal everybody should "aim to be";

I would say stop right now, get off that train.

Don't come here.

The argument used suggest to use Grey Rocking as a method to deal with these toxic ass people attacking you upfront.

Which is fine, a good advice because they want you to give zero reaction to any and all of their attempt to rise your heckles and give them the attention they crave.

It is generally a good advice, except people tend to use Grey Rocking as a one-solution-fits-all problem when it comes to dealing with toxic people.

How we wish it would be that simple -- unfortunately we all know already, dealing with toxic people is anything but simple.

I am working on it, but for now let's focus on the crying part.

The issue is -- they assume that crying is a "reaction" to those abuse. So the logic becomes:

Use Grey Rocking -> Give ZERO reaction to abuse -> Crying is a reaction to abuse -> In conclusion, don't cry.

They would say things like "Master your emotion, don't fall into their manipulation. So don't fall into your emotion."

Except people often mistaken crying itself as the emotion -- Nope, SADNESS is the emotion, crying is not.

Crying is just a biological reaction to a state of overwhelmed emotions.

Understand the difference - crying is not a reaction to the abuse from toxic people like people often misunderstood;

Crying is YOUR BODY'S reaction to YOUR state of overwhelmed emotions.

Crying is YOURS.

Why do you hate it (aka feeling deeply humiliated) when you cry after being attacked -- regardless if people are there to tell you how "sensitive" you, or nobody is around?

Because once upon a time, either by a single person or by your parents or by school by the dramas or book or just the general culture/understanding/common sense of where you grew up -- you are made to believe that crying is "wrong".

Crying is for women = women is weak = crying is weak.

Women are so f**king sensitive and prissy = women cries a lot for "drama" = crying is a manipulation tactic by horrible women.

The "superior" people (aka men) are not crying = they are tough and great = they are not crying = if you (women) are crying, something is deeply wrong with you.

And on and on. You can think back to your particular case and make a connection yourself.

You always wonder what is all this "brainwashing" I have been babbling on and on and on about? 👆👆👆 THAT.

If you see a baby crying immediately after getting spooked -- do you feel that she is being "dramatic"? No?

But if you see a baby just staring blankly at her mother after being yelled at, do you feel that that is "normal, she is so cool!" No?

Then what's the difference? Sure you have grown up now, but you were once a baby. Crying is just that, a normal human function.

So how come as you grew up over the years, something that was once a normal human function slowly becoming something "wrong" to have?

Did you stop being a human on your way to your 20s?

No, crying is still just that, a normal human function.

But just like everything fun and normal and healthy in this world -- some people don't like seeing others have that and strive to bully you out of it. Why?

So that they can be happy for 5 f**king minutes seeing you miserable until your last breath. Toxic abusive shitty people are miserable -- so why should you be left alone? They say.

Also capitalism don't want human being with human needs, they want perfect unfeeling robot. So they strive to beat everything human out of you, leaving you empty and mindless and always following orders.

DO NOT FALL FOR THAT LIE.

Here's the thing -- your eyes AUTOMATICALLY wells up everything someone raises their voice to you, why is that?

"Am I sensitive?" - YES, yes you are.

And do you know what another word for sensitive is?

HEALTHY.

You are HEALTHY.

You have a HEALTHY biological, HUMAN response to a state of overwhelmed emotions triggered by a piece of sh*t being sh*tty towards you.

Were you wrong in making mistakes on an otherwise simple report? Yes.

But is he right in yelling at you in front of the entire office, berating you for such a silly mistake? NO. That's a piece of sh*t, and I hope he stub his stupid toe on the way back to his stupid office.

Are you fragile, princess, soft-hearted blah blah blah -- anything all these people calling you? Depends, do you want to take it? If you don't, then it is not you. People have mouth, they say stupid sh*t.

(I love being called a delicate princess though)

And even when you have been ab*sed for YEARS by a pathetic excuse of a mentally rotting "parent" -- your body's resilience to stay HEALTHY and continue to work almost instantaneously every time your emotions are overwhelmed is something that never fails to amaze me.

That's one tough ass body you got there sister -- take care of it well.

Crying is YOUR BODY'S natural protective response to a state triggered by external threat -- so every drop of that tears is like a battle cry for you own [SELF].

Your biological response is so HEALTHY that the MOMENT it sense its host is in need of a relief, it would be like "All right folks, all hands on deck NOW".

It is so f**king amazing.

So don't hate that you are a crier, because it simply means that no matter how brutal and continuous the external attacks are in trying to take away your HUMANITY, your OWN BODY keep stubbornly holding on with all of its power.

Be proud to have that kind of tough, resilient body you have. Not all people are gifted with that.

Yet you are afraid to be made fun of by people once they know you cry easily.

You feel humiliated to the deepest core once the waterworks start falling and the therapist is looking at you, because you feel like such a small, helpless, weak child.

You feel like he is "winning" because he manages to make you cry -- you feel like all the things he had been saying about you as a woman -- weak, helpless, sensitive, dramatic, princessy etc2 -- is being "proven right" as every single tears touch your cheeks.

You just feel like there is something deeply "wrong" and "flawed" when you cry -- especially as a woman.

Even when you know NOW that it is because of the brainwashing you have been subjected to growing up, it is not like this feeling of deep humiliation will go away just like that.

So here's a thing you may want to start ponder upon:

You know the four response right? Fight-Flight-Freeze-Fawn?

Do you notice that whenever you start crying from an attack -- it doesn't exactly fit any of these four responses?

Some may say that it is somewhat a fawn response because you are crying because you are terrified of him, hence it seems like you are "fawning" at his feet in a blubbering mess?

NOPE.

If your response is fawn, you would cower and panic, making yourself smaller and being like a skittish hamster running around trying to pacify or remove the threat. And that usually means actively doing whatever the crap he wants you to do just to make his anger go away.

Crying doesn't create this 👆 situation. Usually you would sit still in your seat and silently weeping while the attacker is getting angrier and angrier. Until he exhausted himself from yelling too much and he goes away, by himself.

It is like you are freezing, but not. You are actively crying. Yet you are not actively trying to make the threat disappear -- it goes away by itself. The only active action you are doing here is the crying itself, right?

Now, what is happening?

This is also a response, a FIFTH response. That for some reason I never heard anyone talks about?

When you cry, you automatically go into a DEFEND response. Not defensive -- DEFEND.

Or a PROTECTIVE mode if you will.

Okay, so when you cry, you sort of go into this almost ball-like posture, correct? Shoulders hunched, head's down with chin to your neck, your arms hugging yourself in comfort posture, knees close together, that sort of look?

It does look like you are making yourself "smaller" -- but the key difference is that you are not exactly doing that out of fear and readiness to placate the threat -- you are doing the exact opposite.

You are doing this stance:

You are quite literally, going inside your body's sphere or shield of protection.

You are PROTECTING YOUR[SELF].

While your tear ducts are hard at work relieving you from that onslaught of overwhelmed feelings.

That is a DEFEND response hard at work.

So while the toxic people is busy throwing all these attacks on you, your OWN body is hard at work protecting and defending you while keeping your injury at minimum ON THE SPOT.

Can you understand how f**king amazing that is??

It is like your own body is the most efficient protective machinery when you are out on that battlefield.

And you wanna know another absolutely mind-blowing thing?

When you are deep in your tears, while that trash is busy yelling at you, and you shift into this fight-defend mode where you summon the courage to look straight into his eyes;

Watch all of his fire and intimidation disappear immediately, and he is now the one COWERING under your stare.

Because he is now in the presence of someone so BRAVE, so UNAFRAID, so COURAGOUS, that you don't give a sh*t about those silly ridicules of your tears and you are looking straight into his eyes while you bravely let your tears fall.

And watch his realize he made you cry.

Watch his get shredded as he realize -- HE. MADE. YOU. CRY.

Not many people can come back whole from that, you know?

So cry, and never stop crying. Be proud of your tears.

Stay safe, Stay WOMAN.