A lesson in kindness (Part 2)

I have some more thoughts since then.

As y'all already know, I fell for the Masculina independent strong woman BS (for those who don't know, here's the story) and have been slowly re-learning how to be a feminine woman again. And one of those lessons is learning how to accept help and trust other people to take care of the problems for you.

In Part 1, I discussed how if I am still stuck in my Masculina mindset -- the whole situation will make me feel totally humiliated. But because I've been learning how to comfortably accept help, I was able to get out of my own head and recognize the genuine kindness all those people had shown me -- and the whole situation becomes a valuable gift. My whole perspective has been shifted.

Now I also start to notice another shift; it is the way I offer help to people now.

Before, as a Masculina, I would be the first in line to help others but would rather die than accept help from other people. I would feel disgusted by myself, like me needing help was an insult to my whole being.

Now, what's wrong with this situation?

It was in the way I helped people. I didn't recognize it then -- but now, thinking back, I start to realize that a lot of those help weren't for other people -- they were for myself.

In a lot of ways, a Masculina is not that much different from "I am not like the other girls" mindset -- subconsciously, I was very insecure about my place in the world so I was busy everyday trying to shine, trying to prove that I was the best person in the room (unlike those other women).

And one of the way I did that was by aggressively trying to "help" each and every person I came across. I recognize it now -- my "helping hands" weren't from a place of sincerity. Because if not, why would I get lowkey offended when my offer to help was (gently) rejected?

I realize it now -- being the first in line to help is just another way for me to get validation and attention.

Here's the thing;

Everybody is eager to help, but very few people are comfortable accepting help -- and this pandemic is the worst among women. And most of those that can accept help are toxic and narcissistic takers -- and what's the gender with the most narcissists again?

So what happens? The takers get all the fun while everybody else is running around, lowkey getting offended with each other because either:

• Their offer to help is rejected again and again and again -- to the point people start to silently resent each other

or

• Instead of getting the euphoric dose of helper's high -- they are made to feel like they did something "wrong" when the one being helped act all awkward and saying things like "It is okay really, I am fine, I got it."

I think part of the reason why I stayed with my narcissistic boss for 4 years despite her treating me like an absolute crap from day 1 -- it was because she is the only one (during the time) that comfortably take my help and don't act weird about it.

I wonder if this is why narcissistic people get all the love, money, and high positions easily while decent people get treated like crap, used, and abused wherever they go.

And here's another thing;

Even when I was seemingly a person with a "golden heart" -- going all "selfless" and "kind", eager to help others -- deep down, my intentions weren't sincere at all. My insides were always in turmoil.

I am still a woman -- I think, deep down, the core of femininity is that we yearn for care so that we can, in return, care for others. If our own need to be cared for, validated, seen, and loved aren't properly fulfilled -- how can we sincerely and selflessly care for others?

When I was a Masculina and busy helping other people every single day, without me even realizing -- I was so horribly distrustful of other people, I was actually looking down on their capabilities to solve problems. NOT intentionally, but it became that because I was so busy being inside my own head.

I was so busy fighting with my own insecurity that my field of vision became so narrow -- if I was the one who help and my help solved the problem -- that proved that I was "right", that I was "worthy", that I was "something" in this world, not just another face in the crowd.

Also, speaking as a woman, it was a way to prove that despite having no physical attributes that can immediately attracts a man's attention to me -- I was still 'unique'. "See? I help people on a daily basis -- I am 'unique'"!

(Ironically, I am unique. Men were attracted to me in spades because they wanted to know what's going on inside my head -- but once they got closer, I repelled them with my insecurity and aggressive Masculina BS)

I saw a Facebook discussion recently, asking people how they think others see them, and one comment struck a chord: "I don't know how people see me, but I hope people can see that I have a good heart"

That was it -- a "good heart". I wanted people, men to see that that I have a "good heart".

Because I was so insecure with myself, so convinced that I have nothing else going on that I needed to show others I have a "good heart".

I helped people, jumping first in the line when others were hesitating; I helped with anything, big or small problems. I saved everyone and make everyone life's easier. See? I have a "good heart"!

I took care of my own problem, I didn't trouble other people, I was independent and need no help (unlike those other women). I am not a burden! See? I have a "good heart"!

Why were I like this? Because like I said earlier -- I think, deep down, the core of femininity is that we yearn for care so that we can, in return, care for others -- but because women have been brainwashed by the patriarchy growing up, we got this f*cked up belief that if we want other people to care for us -- we have to give first and give so Goddamn much, but ask for nothing in return.

So that one day, after you have "proven" how "good-hearted, selfless, kind, good, real, sincere" and blah blah blah you are -- you will finally get that care you yearn for so much.

Except that's not how it works and the patriarchy is lying to us all again, as usual.

Now that I am learning to get comfortable with accepting help -- I notice that whenever I help people now, my insides are no longer in turmoil.

Instead of jumping to action, pumped full of adrenaline and my brain going all "Me I help me I help me I help me me me me me!!!" -- my insides are calm, I go at it slowly and carefully, I calmly asses the situation, asking myself "Hmm, does this needs help?" and when I make offer to help -- there's absolutely nothing behind it.

Not in my insides, not in my mind, not even in my subconscious. I am doing it on auto-pilot, almost. All very mechanical up there. It is like when doctors see a patient bleeding -- there's nothing in their mind aside from "GO". They move on auto-pilot and muscle memory.

So like this, even when my offer is rejected (most offers will be rejected honestly, women are really bad at accepting help nowadays) -- I have two choices;

• If I asses that the person is in fact, fine and she "Got it" -- I feel nothing about the rejection and calmly go on my merry way.

or

• If I asses that the person is in fact, not fine and she does not "Got it" (I remember this one woman with herniated disc, walking with cane, obviously in pain -- and still said she was "fine". No ma'am, you are not fine) -- I will push my way into helping and have no problem ignoring her attempt at gently stopping me from helping.

But here's the important part -- I am NOT EXHAUSTING myself.

By getting comfortable with accepting help and seeing, time and again, just how capable other people are -- I now have no problem calmly assessing the situation and realizing that most of the time -- they do "Got it" and only very rarely that I have to step in and help.

Before, I would just jump into action and be all bargain sale and free-for-all with my help that I ended up totally exhausted by the end of the day. I never trusted anybody else to do what's "right" (or rather, what I deemed "right") so I pushed myself into helping them anyway.

And that was a daily occurrence, ladies -- because problem always arises and as women, we can't help but notice the smaller, nitty-gritty details. Some of you will be very familiar with what I'm talking about -- I ended up never stopped helping, because problems were always there one after another, and there was always something wrong -- no matter how small.

Before, I silently dreaded waking up the next day because I didn't want to face the next wave of helping people. Now? I am starting to look forward to the prospect of being helped and helping others because it is will another new experience that I can learn from.

Now I am going to start asking myself everyday;

Am I still looking down on other people, other women?

It is really necessary to be "right" in this particular situation or am I just being a smug ass piece of shit right now?

Is it really necessary to take the spotlight here, be the "heroine"? Shouldn't I give the other person the spotlight and let him/her be the "hero/heroine"?

What happens if I just sit back, relax, and let things unfold?

What happens if I just trust this person and let him/her think for me and find ways to solve the problem for me?

What happens if I just allow other people to help me?

Try it ladies -- because once upon a time, I too thought being the "damsel in distress" is pathetic and disgusting.

But once I understand that what I see in books and movies are not what it is like in reality, life becomes amazing.

You do not become "less" -- you actually become the oasis in the desert that everybody -- and I mean everybody; men, women, children, teenagers, older people, animals -- trip over themselves, rushing to help you.

Why? Because you make them feel like they are the most amazing person in the world simply by looking into their eyes and saying "Thank you" from the depth of your heart.

You give them the validation they have been so desperately seeking all their lives. YOU make them feel like they are worth something. YOU.

That is selflessness. That is sincerity. That is kindness.

I realize it now -- I am already shining so bright and so intimidating that the more I try to shine, the more I overwhelm others. That's why they get so quiet and trying so hard to pretend I am not there. It is not because they can't see me -- it is because they do, and they feel like shit.

So my way of showing kindness is by sitting back, relaxing, and saying to them "I trust you, please help me." This world is still full of insecure people -- this is the least that I can do.

God made me a woman because God knows I can make other people feel like they are worth something.

Give it some thoughts. Stay safe.