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I recently became the GAL for a woman in her early 20s who, due to disability, functions on the level of an upper elementary school student. We will refer to her as Meg.
Meg wants to live independently, which am in favor of (with appropriate supports).
However, Meg is very insistent that her current boyfriend be included in her housing benefits. I said no.
I feel like I have had a lot of practice with this. I have been through this with my adult foster daughter as well as my cousin- I have explained to them repeatedly that I am unwilling to help their male partners with housing or other life logistics because *I don't know those guys and I don't care about them*- the way that I operate, my efforts only extend to people for whom I am explicitly responsible, via family ties or legal proclamation.
I tried to explain this to this Meg in developmentally appropriate terms.
Meg's response to me was absolutely incredible. " I just feel like I need to be the woman and get a house and stuff set up so that my boyfriend has a place to call home."
That's it. That's the message that we are culturally indoctrinating girls with- and I use that language specifically because Meg has the mind of a girl. She operates on a level that is childlike. In spite of the fact that this young lady lives on less than $1,000 a month in the form of a disability check, she has mentally taken on the responsibility to provide housing for her boyfriend.
In previous eras, the onus was put on men to protect and provide. There are obvious problems with this, as it essentially forces women to partner with a man in order to have an income and a stable home. Now we have entered into an era where the expectation is not just that women protect and provide for themselves and their offspring, but wherein we are also are expected to do that for a male partner.
This is clearly the message that Meg has received: in order to be seen as an adult, it's not enough for her to be independent and self-sufficient, she must also have a male in her care. Furthermore, Meg has received the message that in order to have a boyfriend (and/or find emotional and sexual fulfillment) that she needs to protect and provide for said boyfriend.
This, of course, is in addition to the fact that women are also socialized and trained to be endlessly giving, endlessly empathetic and take on endless amounts of emotional labor.
I think that we need a sea change in how we raise and socialize girls in this culture. We have to redefine what womanhood means so that we can allow our girls to exist for their own sake . Yes, girls, keep prioritizing your education. Continue to make strides in the workforce and to amass wealth and power in this economy. But my good god, *be selfish*.
Focus only on yourself. Do not consider being a successful adult to equate to having a man . Do not equate taking care of a man as being a woman or a good mother. You can be all of those things without a man, or with a man who is an actual adult who can take care of himself.
This is disgusting.
That guy is using her for free housing and benefits.
She's got the mind of a child — use that to guide her away from this idea, if you can. Social conditioning got her into this mess, let's use it to get her out.
"I just feel like I need to be the woman and get a house and stuff set up so that my boyfriend has a place to call home."
No no no no no. That's the man's job. That is what HE is supposed to be responsible for. Not the other way around.
"Continue to make strides in the workforce and to amass wealth and power in this economy. But my good god, *be selfish*.
Focus only on yourself. Do not consider being a successful adult to equate to having a man. Do not equate taking care of a man as being a woman or a good mother. You can be all of those things without a man, or with a man who is an actual adult who can take[s] care of himself."
unfortunately i learned this all too late...waaay past the era in which i had the most social "power" and currency as a late 20-something/early 30-something woman. i was fairly self-focused, but still hung onto dudes and made too many compromises.
ladies, if you are younger, take these words to heart! of course follow your own intuition, but it's worth it to be uncomfortably selfish.
There was a snippet on the news on homelessness and crime, and they've mentioned that local social housing is housing double the people than they have officially on the books. I immediately thought of all the scrotes boarding with pickmes and their mothers.