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Preface: The FDS reddit sub is open (don't know for how long) so I am slowly migrating my old posts here.
We all often heard things like these from women in a shitty relationship:
"He hits me and says mean things to me, but that's because he is angry/drunk/stressed etc. Other times he is nice and caring."
"I just don't understand why he would say something like that... But other times he is nice."
"He says he loves me. But sometimes he insults me/hurt my feelings/is mean to me etc."
"It is my fault, if I had not offend him he wouldn't be angry and hit me/say things that hurt my feelings. When he is happy he buys me nice gifts and lavish me with words of love. He says he loves me."
Here's the thing :- Genuine true LOVE is NOT something that can be turned on and off. Genuine love is simple - it is simply two people who love each other and is happy to be together. He is happy when you are beside him, and you are happy when he is beside you. And the two of you do things for each other simply because you want the partner to smile, to be happy - because that makes you happy too, so that the happiness can be twice as big. Even when the situation is harsh, you both are in it together, all hands on deck.
Yes, couple do fights, have miscommunications but it is not like what depicted in movies and dramas - you don't scream at each other faces and run away to weep at the top of the mountain or shit. That's not love, that's toxicity. Couple who genuine love each other engage in fights that are either funny (like how to pronounce "egg" or do ants fart) or a healthy debate - I prefer the x way, you prefer the y way, lets discuss. And you both either came to a balanced conclusions, or agree to disagree and respect each other's way.
There should be no hidden resentment because that shit can grow to the point you will fall out of love some day. Healthy couple strive to clear any dissatisfaction/resentment/anger and work as a team to solve the problem head on. There's no just one person do all the work while the other just laze and boss you around.
There's no need to say much, but you can feel it deep in your core - that's love. Genuine, pure, raw love.
If you ever have to:
- Question if your partner truly loves you
- Feel alone and lonely even when your partner is there with out
- Feel exhausted, feel like you are talking to a wall
- Constantly have to bottle everything up and pretend everything is fine (even when it is not) so that you won't make him angry
- Can never make new friends or spend time in peace with people other than him, because if you do he will be angry/jealousy/throws tantrums/sulk
- Feel that you are the only one pulling the weights in the relationship, and have to nag him every single time so that he will do his share
- Feels like your life is a constant walking on eggshells, afraid to make even a single mistake because you know he will get angry/sulk
- Catch yourself looking forward to his next "nice" phase so that you can get the love, while silently enduring his "not nice" phase now. OR
- Currently enjoying his "nice" phase now but silently dread the incoming "not nice" phase that you know will come with just a single misstep from your part.
Then you are not in a genuine love relationship. You are in a power-play relationship. He have the power you, and you have to do all the things he want in the way he wants every time he wants it, and he will "reward" you with the occasional "love" and nice gesture.
Remember, genuine true LOVE is NOT something that can be turned on and off. It is a feeling, a constant state of mind, heart, and soul - you can't just love one day, not love the next day.
But if the person is merely using the illusion of love and niceness to take advantage of you, that's when you will see the "nice" phase and "not nice" phase - because the "love" is just a tool for him, he doesn't feel it but he knows how to use it, pretend he has it. It is a lie - a very good lie, but still a lie.