My 3 year journey with FDS, sustained success and a farewell

Hello ladies,

I've been thinking about writing a farewell post for close to a year now, but have been somewhat hesitant and wanted to see changes sustained in my life before I can claim success.

My story is quite typical and similar to many of you: terrible childhood ( I wrote elsewhere about chronic abuse I'd been subjected to), social conditioning of the 90s and 2000s that in order for women to be as valuable as men, we must act and be like them, including being sExUaLly eMpOwErEd 🤡, which only made me very accessible to sexual and other predators when I left home at 20 and added another decade of DSM-5 level trauma inflicted by various so-called boyfriends and strangers, that I still occasionally have flashbacks and nightmares of, but very infrequent now and I can manage them well.

If you can imagine a pick-me queen, that was me: at one point I truly, genuinely believed that ALL men want to degrade women, ALL men are basically abusers, and our only way to make something out of this life is to be "smart" and give in to the abuse to avoid being cheated on, dumped etc. At the same time, of course, I felt very modern and empowered. I just wrapped it all up in woke, extreme left terms. It never really occurred to me that if the situation was that dire, the other option available to me was to NOT be in a relationship.

Fast forward, I did graduate from sexual abuse, to verbal, to eventually dating a polite and kind, but a closeted gay man 🤡 He eventually dumped me, as he had done with all other women before, requesting that we continue our "friendship" but without sexual/romantic side. At that point I finally mustered up strength to politely, but firmly say no.

I then started listening to Deeper Dating podcast by Ken Page, which focuses on digging up your long-lost authentic needs in relationships and in general, dropping your taste for attractions of deprivation (the ones that feel very hot, but you are always chasing that carrot that feels only one step away) and growing your taste for attractions of inspiration (people who inspire you with their kindness, generosity of the soul, character etc.). I have to say, it was a very weird concept to me at first, because I didn't know how to be attracted to kindness, safety, consistent respectful treatment and to generally be loved as a human being, and as a woman. All of this was uncharted territory to me, and my fear of potential good relationships would come up as boredom, losing interest fast etc.

Anyhow, I was so tired of awful relationships and devoid of energy, that this alone must have helped me stay single (and I mean - no dating or even online flirting of any kind) for a couple of years for the first time in my life. This, along with the podcast and a job as a consultant, constantly flying around the country allowed me to clear my head and start thinking of what I really want and what I don't want.

I then came across FDS on the old site. I must have read and re-read every post religiously, especially the handbook. It provided me with a new framework, sense of sisterhood and a few much-needed laughs.

Eventually, I felt my view of self, relationships and the world shift. While I became stronger within myself, losing useless patriarchal indoctrination, I was still very doubtful that I will meet a single HVM, since they're so few and far between.

It helped that with FDS I at least started seeing they exist, even if long-married. I saw some amongst my colleagues, some in the couples in my friend circle. Any LVM friends were eventually pruned out, even if they were always respectful with me, but awful treatment of women they had dated was evidence enough for me to do that.

Finally, a couple of years ago, I was out with my sporting friends any we all started chatting to another group with similar interests, and when we were parting, one asked to exchange numbers (he also happened to be the one from the group that caught my eye immediately). Since the very beginning of our relationship, he made it very consistently clear that he was interested in me, while also being very respectful and not pushy or love-bombing.

Early on, I still had a mild fear that something will inevitably go wrong at some point, as it always had done, but my fears proved to be unfounded.

He was and two years later is generous and kind in every way- with his attention, money, time, affection, sex, everything. Perhaps because of his natural, non-ostentatious manner of doing this, I never felt uncomfortable accepting or even like I have to offer to cover a tip for the waitstaff, a taxi or any other such nonsense. I did not feel guilty accepting kindness, and that surprised me.

I remember the first time bringing up something that was a bit of an issue for me, my heart was about to jump out of my chest, because I was expecting a push back, a confrontation, gaslighting - all the things I was used to when I voiced even a smallest need in a relationship. Instead, he stopped what he was doing, I saw his eyes grow big with remorse, he apologised and fixed the problem the same day. I have never seen it reoccur. I have had situations where I had to say no to him about plans he suggested, raise any other minor issues as they came up to only see the same mature response. He's seen me tired, sick (including hospitalised) and irritable, and has only ever been kind and respectful. I have also seen him have a healthy range of emotions, but always retaining his self-control and manner of interaction.

The little things that I enjoy doing for friends and loved ones - cooking a nice meal, helping out with some daily tasks when the other person is overwhelmed, he appreciates very much and always tells me how lucky he is to have that from me.

I have been vetting him according to FDS standards and he ticks every box from the most superficial to the most profound one. He's a wonderful person that is always volunteering for his community, while also working in top layers of a very well-respected profession. He's been widowed for a good few years, and has been raising his children alone from the time they were toddlers/babies. He has been resisting everyone's advice to get on the online dating apps, since he wanted to meet someone organically.

He gets on very well with mothers at the school, is often invited by them to events (with me now), because he can swap stories about teething, feeding, crawling and other issues. He is not a big fan of men who pull minimal weight as husbands/fathers, and when they do they have a nerve to post on social media about it. He pulls up other men when they talk sexist crap, even if it's subtle.

When he talks about his late wife's illness, he says "the problem that WE had", or "the news that WE were told" etc.

And he's the kind of man that if I showed him FDS, he would not be shocked or surprised by me reading and learning from it, but would confirm that women's observations about men here are quite correct, and that the advice to weed out LVMs is correct.

We also have a few good laughs - the other day I told him about the more recent phenomenon of some men refusing to wash their asses, and he was amused/ horrified, offering his own theory about closeted homosexuality and internalised homophobia. When we went to sleep, he laid awake in the dark traumatised, repeating that he can not believe this sort of thing is happening 🤣🤣🤣

We talked about getting married and moving in, but there are a few practical things that need to be organised before that, and I would not like to be married for at least another year or two. In any case, we're together every single weekend and all holidays, and the rest of the time I'm very happy at my beautiful home knowing I'll see him and the kids at the end of the working week. I'm enjoying this time before routine will inevitably kick in, once living together.

All in all, I am the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. It's not frantic/manic elation that comes with unhealthy roller coaster relationships, but a real, calm, blissful happiness. I never feel "needy", or this unhealthy impulse to chase, because I'm safe in the knowledge that he will do what he said he'd do. And that if he doesn't pass my vetting at some point, I'll be just as fulfilled on my own.

I should also mention that while I've always been on a good career path (education paid entirely by myself and/or grants while juggling a mortgage in one of the world's most expensive cities and a full time job and living on cheap canned food), I have recently started working for myself and it seems to be going well. Perhaps I'm also emboldened by my boyfriend's emotional as well as practical support, connecting me with the right business partners and providing with professional advice that he specialises in, and his insistence to give financial support ( I haven't accepted yet as it isn't needed, but will have no hesitation if things change). My life is good. I'm not loaded, but I'm for once comfortable.

I keep coming back to FDS, but for about a year now I feel like I've really internalised all your wisdom. So it's time I say goodbye and thank you all for your incredible help. It has been a long transformation journey for sure, and somewhat painful, but not anywhere near as painful as being in a bad relationship. If this post can spark hope in at least one woman, then I've achieved something.