I need advice: HV Way to Deal with Grief

Hi, OP! First of all I am so sorry. There are no words that can truly fit in this type of situation. I hope you have HVW friends who will just sit there with you and be because presence is the best medicine. I hate that this has to be a consideration, but I would ask yourself, is this a safe place/time to fall apart? In first aid courses, one of the things that you learn when approaching an injured person is to assess if the surroundings are safe. If the person has a broken arm, but they are in the middle of oncoming traffic, the first step is not to set the broken arm, but to get them out of traffic. I would first assess your situation. You mentioned several things that need doing such as planning the funeral and finishing your year of medical school. So my question is, is this a safe place/time to fall apart? I don't mean a safe place to cry-- crying is a natural release. However, when you do deep feelings/trauma work in therapy, sometimes you feel worse at first rather than better. You do eventually get to the better part, but it can take time. You are the best assessor of your situation, but my advice would be to keep your feelings work shallow until you have reached a safe time and place for you to fall apart and be put back together (it sounds like this summer would be that time). I would rely on HVW friends during this time and ask for help where you need it. Most women enjoy being helpful to their close friends and cooking meals or even helping clean. Asking for help in general will be invaluable for you at this time. Perhaps professors will be willing to work with you or give you extensions on certain assignments? Another thing I would suggest is to give yourself as much rest as you have time for (probably not a lot in medical school but still) Prioritize deep rest, walking in nature, just being still with friends, and healthy meals when you can. Grief is an overwhelming emotion. Your grief may always be present, but I have the utmost confidence that its potency will lessen over time.

I am so sorry for your enormous loss. There is no amount of words that I, or anyone can say that can take away this pain. Just know that there is no right or wrong way to handle this. You are going to have a lot going on right now, and it is doing to be overwhelming. Making funeral arrangements and planning after such a major loss is difficult. First, I would start planning the arrangements according to your fathers wishes. If he did any end of life planning, that will help. If not, then just go with whatever you think. After all, y’all are the ones who know him best. I learned that when my mother passed away, funeral home and the directors are especially helpful. They unfortunately experience the grief of others everyday. I remember calling them and asking all sorts of questions regarding location, logistics, music, decorations, etc. Reach out to them if you have any questions, as I’m sure they will be happy to support you. As for the LV family members, just do your best to minimize contact with them if at all possible. If you wish to allow them to be at the funeral, tell them that you will send out the service information as soon as possible. Aside from that, do not feel as though you need to engage with these people. Because you don’t. Lastly, I would highly recommend that you and your mother seek some form of therapy if and when you are able. Losing a loved one is a traumatic loss and there is no shame in seeking help. I would highly recommend this for your mom, as I’m sure her experience was very traumatizing. I’m not sure where you are located but I do know therapy can be expensive, especially for me here in the US. If you are fortunate enough to have healthcare coverage, reach out to your provider and see what kind of benefits they offer regarding mental health resources. I found out that my plan covers most of the cost for online therapy through phone or video. This may be something to look into. If this is not an option, or this is not feasible I would look into local support groups in your area. Not sure if you are religious, but many churches offer grief counseling and support groups. You can also find other local groups that are out there, depending on where you live, you just may have to look around. Please reach out to those around you. Friends, close family that you can trust, etc. People are very supportive in times like these. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your dad would be so proud of the way you are taking care of everything, especially your mother.

I know it’s kinda frowned upon to talk money but a lot of people end up miffed later on by the high costs of funerals… Costco sells really nice well priced caskets and they are beautiful - they ship fast directly to the funeral home. And you don’t need to embalm if you don’t want to. If needed bring a friend or other family member with you to pick out services at the funeral home so you don’t get upsold. I really like the “askamortician” channel on YouTube, she has lots of good content on funeral and death related topics. Beyond the funeral, order extra death certificates (I think I ordered 10 and used 5 or 6 to close various accounts). If any financial company is giving you a hard time with transferring funds beyond providing death & marriage certificates and a will, it may be worth while to consult an attorney for advice, just an hour session could help. If you’re American, brace yourself for the medical bills, they’ll be addressed to your mom but if your mom is like my mom, she will be quite overwhelmed in the beginning. Make sure to regularly check in with your mom… especially within the next year and on any dad related holidays. As for LV extended family, you only need to tell them of his passing. Sometimes it‘s nice to hear stories from them but if they start ranting about something stupid just say you need to go do XYZ and leave or hang up. As for the grief… it will come in waves, maybe forever, hitting less and less as time goes on. I cried like a baby on my birthday recently since my dad would always call and sing to me... even though it’s been a couple years since he passed. I still miss my dad a lot, but I’m comforted by the fact that he taught me well and he‘d be proud of what I’ve accomplished to date. I am very sorry for your loss, it sucks being in charge of everything but you’ll learn a lot from the experience.

I’m sorry for your loss. This is what I did when I lost my parents. Not saying they’re HV or LV, but you take whatever works for you. - I worked very hard. I’m in the finance sector, so naturally the work can be demanding. An idle mind is the devils playground. You want to keep yourself busy so your mind doesn’t wander so much that you sink into depression. I’m not suggesting you use work to numb yourself but if you’re going to get out of your head, you must as well focus on something that brings you money. - Try new hobbies, experiences, travel. I did my first solo travel and has not stopped since. (Obviously not during pandemic) It’s amazing what being alone in a foreign country does to you - amazing mental benefits I must say. Travelling alone also helps you to see that the world is larger than yourself so you don’t feel trapped and isolated. Going with other people is nice but solo travel is amazing. How can people who hate being alone actually be happy? I also tried new hobbies. - Make time for your family and people who truly matter. Death puts everything in perspective. You no longer want to spend time with people who waste your life and bring no value to you. I did not engage in alcohol or drugs but I did get limerent - everytime I see a guy who’s exactly my type, I immediately drift into thinking he’s the one who will give me that happily ever after. It’s easy to feel alone in this world and while waiting for our spouse. it gets better though.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my father about 18 months ago and I can’t say he was a HVM but the grief is definitely still there. The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself. It can be hard to focus on you right now but eat if you’re hungry and cry if you need to. Feel the feelings because they’ll come and go and change in the stages of grief. The healthy way to deal with them is to process them as the flow. Others have given good advice too. Best wishes to you and sending love ❤️

Sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad a few years ago very suddenly. I found throughout the entire process I spent more time consoling everyone else than actually being consoled myself. I fielded a lot of the telling people/relatives what happened, and talking to/consoling people at the wake.

I cant really give any advice in regards to grieving. When my dad died it was sadly almost a relief. He suffered severe head injury when I was a teen and wasn't the same person anymore, so I supposed I worked that out when I went through my rebellious stage.

Take the time you need and grieve however you need to. Stay away from alcohol.

Hello, I lost my father as well and wanted to recommend the book its ok you’re not ok by Megan Devine. That helped me immensely when finding a therapist specialized in grief was difficult.