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I understand that I am a sensitive person and can get offended easily. I want to work on this flaw of mine and grow into a better person. Last night at my boyfriend's birthday dinner we went to a hibachi place with his brother. We'll call the brother BB and his fiancée is JJ.
BB has a bald spot on the top of his head and was trying to show us at dinner. I honestly couldn't see it so I tilt my head to the side and lean forward, knocking over a lot of my martini. BB then goes on to make fun of me saying, "Have you ever been to a restaurant before?" And some other jokes I can't remember exactly because I was so embarrassed.
I took that on the chin and tried to stay cool. But then JJ , the fiancée, spills a bunch of soy sauce all over my dress. No jokes from BB, which I understand bc he actually cares about her, but it was just super annoying. So, the whole night just kinda killed my mood and from then on I was just being quiet trying not to really cause any more attention to myself. I was just pouting like a baby, and I hate that about myself.
Looking back it would have been better to have made my own jokes back at him probably about the bald spot. My boyfriend said he would talk to his brother for me, and that his brother likes to troll everyone including waiters and just random people so it wasn't targeted at trying to make me feel bad. I noticed BB made similar jokes to my boyfriend as well. So in all honesty, I don't want him to talk to BB. I want to get better at dealing with these kind of situations.
So, how do you guys save face or recover from social mishaps? I don't want to be the annoying person that can't take a joke. I know that I am confident and secure around the people I'm closest to, but how do you handle it with strangers and acquaintances? After the soy spilled on my dress I just felt drained from the social situation. Maybe I try to hard to be perfect around ppl and when that inevitably fails, I take it super hard especially if exacerbated by jokes at my expense? How can I learn to laugh at those situations too and not let it get to me? Writing this out has already helped me kind of understand what I can do better next time. I think just getting more and more exposed to his family is probably the only way, and this incident wasn't a big deal at all just that in the moment I was taken out of my character and wasn't able to let the best part of my personality show.
BB is the asshole here for making fun of you for something that was clearly an accident and that you were already embarrassed about. Your boyfriend is the asshole here for not keeping his brother (and his plus one) in line and telling them to leave you alone, while deescalating the situation like saying it's not a big deal and trying to clean up and call a waiter after you knocked over your glass, asking if he should drive you home to change after you got sauce spilled on you etc..
Being a HV woman does not mean laughing when you are being disrespected and people make you uncomfortable on purpose. It does not mean hiding that you are unhappy in that situation to make them feel better. Do not reward their bad manners and attempts to make you feel bad with a smile or a laugh. Why on earth would you want to learn that?
Regarding the "how do I handle a mishap"-question: If I knock over a glass, I apologize, try to clean up t keep the flood from spreading, call a waiter to ask for help and maybe (maybe!) make a light comment about having two left hands today. If people at the table make a big deal or joke out of it, they are the ones with the bad manners there because accidents literally happen to everyone. Good manners would mean acting gracious in a situation like this and helping the person who had the mishap save face and solve the problem discreetly.
Learn to think on your feet and give it right back to them.
"Have you been to a restaurant before?"
No one can be expected to see properly when your bald spot reflects more light than LED headlights
Soy sauce incident
Do I pay extra to marinate in soy sauce?
Looks like clumsiness might be contagious at this table
First of all, you definitely don't have to laugh at jokes made at your expense. Having a snappy comeback ready is great, but it's not easy to do if you're not used to it and can sometimes adds fuel to the fire if the delivery isn't right.
There was some FDS podcast episode about handling argumentative scrotes at work, but I think the general advice was that engaging with a man at their level usually just eggs them on, while only draining your energy. Even if you're the type of woman you can hold your own, there's really no benefit for you and you're just giving LVM what they want by giving them attention. Instead, men respond more effectively to shame and being dismissed, rather than you trying to go toe-to-toe with them.
So if he makes some shitty joke at your expense, look at him like he did something kinda cringy and embarassing. Just say, "Umm... okay... anyways...!" and then start a new conversation topic. You can even dumb fox it a little. Pretend you didn't hear him, and politely ask him to please repeat himself. "Huh? Sorry I missed what you said, could you please repeat that?" Unfunny jokes are even less funny if you have to say it over and over again. And when he repeats himself just give him a blank stare and move on. You can even make him explain it for you. "I don't really get it? But whatever, anyways..."
It's kind of hard to explain, so I'll use this silly Key and Peele skit as an example. If you watch it, you'll see this type of behavior is obviously infuriating, but in my experiece it's a great way to deal with the attention-seeking type scrotes who are always looking for a reaction. It really dampens their ego and it's also easier than thinking of clever comebacks.
The only feedback I have for you is to not have looked at this scrotes bald spot in the first place 🤮 just because someone asks you to look at something doesn’t mean you have to. I work in healthcare and the amount of people that ask me to “look at things” or talk about their symptoms over dinner is annoying as hell. Like I’m trying to eat a meal here.
Are you neurodivergent? I ask because this kind of stress about ultra perfection behaviour resonates hard with me. Not to mention how you described becoming overwhelmed and shutting down when the situation turned too 'chaotic' and emotionally distressing.
Anyhow, whether you're neurodivergent or not, you're going to have to let go of this desire to be absolutely perfect in your behaviour, reactions and other's perception of you. You can be perfectly yourself without this much effort. It's obviously not easy, because it requires entirely new coding, re-wiring and re-organizing your inner self and subconciousness, but that kind of re-structuring is definitely worth it long term.
I definitely agree with the comments, respond back with good comebacks bc imagine, he will keep on trying to step on you and your boyfriend will start feeling some type of way if you don't