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Those words were uttered by my brother after mom died last month.
My parents split up for the final time about 12 years ago and she never moved on. She couldn't put the hurt behind her and became even worse.
As a woman, I couldn't look up for her as a role model because when push came to shove, she was a pick me.
This woman used to smugly yap on about how if dad ever cheated, she unleash her worst on him. Well, when it happened, I waited for this independent woman to emerge, the one I'd heard about all my life. Instead I saw a sniveling pick me begging to have her man back and status quo resume. Pathetic.
Overall, the trajectory of her life was a sad one.
I can't help but think if she had stayed single, she would have been sooo much happier and not have met the lonely demise she did. I think singlehood might have kept her more sane.
Instead, she got married 'late' at 30 to a man much younger than her. First child came along and she stopped working. She was the SAHM who held it down while dad travelled a lot for work.
He took and took and took.
She thought she was getting away with something.
She was, until she wasn't.
He walked out, and her life ended.
He ruined her.
She had nothing left and refused to "lower" herself to go out and seek friends, community, and more. She never met a relationship she couldn't detonate. Being mentally ill will do that to you.
She absolutely was her own worst enemy and could have prevented a lot of her own problems. But if she had stayed single, a lot of those problems wouldn't have arrived at her doorstep.
As an FDSer, I saw a woman get used by a man then discarded. Not worth it. Not at all. Stay single. You'll never regret not giving your everything to someone else.
I'm sorry for your loss OP and I'm sorry that your mother let you down and wasn't a good role model to you. Speaking as a fellow daughter of a pick me, I can relate to your story. IMO the best thing women in our situation can do is learn from our mother's mistakes. Our mothers have taught us the dangers of being a pick me and of settling. I'm confident that if we follow FDS and refuse to lower our standards or abandon our self-respect, we will have far better lives than our mothers did. At least we have more control over our lives and are more self-aware than our mothers were.
Pick me-ism is a generational trauma wound. Even Shera seven says that when pick mes have kids sometimes they don't like the child because they chose a bad father and it perpetuates mental illness in the family line. Eventually the line will end up with superbly mentally ill offspring with personality disorders and pathologicies or a total lack of cognition manifesting in mental retardation or learning disabilities. When I see people with pick me moms bettering themselves it means they're undoing the trauma that has been going on for literal generations.
sorry for your loss op. sadly some people just succumb to their mental illness whether its over a man or any circumstances.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My mom’s death hit me pretty hard, she did what she was told she was supposed to do, she got married in her 20s and had babies with her husband, she left him when he became financially abusive, but she had medical issues and was never able to be self sufficient with two little kids at home.
Right before she died she told me her life didn’t turn out how she wanted it to, and I know it didn’t. And it’s because she did what everybody said she was supposed to do, not what she wanted to do. And it breaks my heart Sometimes she was a huge pick me, but also she was super supportive of me wanting to remain Childfree. It was very obvious having babies with that man is what ruined her life. And trying to raise both of us alone with no help from him after she escaped that marriage kept her from getting her life back on track.
And this man who ruined her life was so full of misogyny he loved to tell me “You know what they say about women who don’t have kids?” No dad I acctually don’t know what “they” say, but I would guess they say we are smart. And much happier than married women.