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hi all, im somewhat newly divorced from a man (a year and a few months separated, 7 months since finalized) and in my mid-20s. I've only been with men but have been questioning my sexuality the past few years. While I was married, I admitted to myself that I was bisexual and just accepted I wasn't going to be able to actually be with a woman since I was married.
post-divorce I spent some time on tinder and bumble to try and date women but nothing ever went anywhere bc I didn't know what I was doing and I'm honestly just way too busy to date. I deleted all the apps in September so I just decided I'll try again when I'm ready. I met a lesbian friend through bumble bff/bumble last summer and she's introduced me to other friends as well but I'm busy so I only see her once a month or so. I feel like I've going backwards in being sure about my sexuality like im not a valid bisexual if I've never been with a woman before.
Fast-forward to this month, my coworker came out to me as bi when I saw her at our annual company retreat and it got me thinking that if she could admit that while married to a man that I can as well and I should put myself out there since I have the opportunity to. My friend mentioned before had added a bunch of lesbian friends to some group chats I was in and I decided to hang out with a couple of them a few days ago to get to know more lesbian/bi women. One of them asked me if I was straight up while I was driving us (even tho I said I was bi in the chat beforehand) and my brain kinda panicked and I stuttered a bunch and said I was pretty sure I was bisexual but am still figuring it out. it was like once I was faced with the question in person I was unsure again.
Was wondering if any of you have felt this same way while exploring your sexuality? If there's any tips on how to feel more assured. Part of me wants to just try and hook up with someone to get confirmation, but that's A little scary to me.
In reality, what need is there for validation and confirmation?
Sexual orientation is inherent. If you are indeed bisexual it will unfold over time and if the opportunity arises.
I understand that people younger than me (I'm mid-50s) live under constant social pressure to declare their sexual "preferences" (a homophobic word used in place of "orientation") and "gender."
But both of those aspects tend to be the least interesting aspects about a person.
If you have to experiment with a lesbian, remember, she has feelings and you won't be the first one to seek intimacy with her to validate yourself so you can keep up to or fit in with your peer group.
Wildly unpopular opinion: I am constantly weirded out by how our current society treats sexuality as something that we can figure out "in our mind". I am aware many people are 100% sure of their attraction/repulsion and those people don't need to experiment. But for the unsure or curious population, the only way to know for sure is trying actual sex, with their actual bodies. The only possibile downside I see to this is the risk of treating other women as an experiment, but if you're honest and high value in the process, you won't let that happen. I myself am not sure about my sexuality, I don't think I'm 100% straight, but I never slept with a woman. To be honest, the only way for me to know FOR SURE would be to sleep with a woman I like and who likes me back. Maybe it's just me, but sex "in my mind" has always felt very different from sex "in reality". I'm not drawing conclusions based only on what happens in my mind. Otherwise I would have to believe I am not into men anymore, since the thought of men mostly repulses me. But the truth is, in real life I still like the male body if it's not attached to a scrote brain. So the only way for me to know if I like women too or if it's projection would be trying it. My point being, I think you need to take that leap in order to figure yourself out.
I can fully relate to this and I have been back and forth on this topic since my early teens. I always suspected I might not be straight, I have kissed women before, and I always had the feeling that I can see myself falling in love with either a man or a woman. However, the latter has just not happened yet and I haven't been actively trying to date women specifically either. I've just shelved the topic for the foreseeable future because I guess if there is truly something to this, I will find out anyway. Maybe fate will throw another bicurious woman my way haha. I'm a believer of not forcing anything in the dating department. I know that an attraction to women would be a great "escape hatch" as to not having to date a man, but the reality is, finding people you click with is hard no matter what. Women are on average much better people but that doesn't mean I will be attracted to them romantically, or they to me.