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About a month ago, I came out as Same-Sex attracted to a female family member of mine. (I'm FebFem) She is a conservative Christian, so I knew she wouldn't "agree with" my attraction. Honestly, I didn't need her to agree; I just needed her to respect my autonomy. Thankfully, the conversation went much better than I anticipated; she said that she "still loved me" didn't want to cut me out of her life. However, she said some things about relationships that I found straight-up delusional, and I want to unpack them here. This will be equal parts rant and reflection as I try to make sense of this bizarre conversation.
She said that people will sometimes have same-sex relationships because they "didn't have success" with straight relationships, and she wondered if that's what I was doing. She said "you haven't dated anyone (read: haven't dated any MEN) for a few years;" she was basically insinuating that I had "given up" because I couldn't make it with men, so I "switched" to women.
IF I can be really blunt: I don't consider her to be generally a stupid person, but she IS the kind of person who accepts things at face value. She's the kind of person to see the discourse around the Barbie movie and say, "When I was a kid, Barbie was just a doll!" Like, she's truly unable (or, more accurately, unwilling) to consider deeper ideas or concepts outside the box. She really thinks that I "failed" at heterosexuality, so now I'm joining the loser squad...
Now here's the real kicker... this same person has had two divorces from men, both of whom left her. In both of those marriages, she took his name, played the submissive role, agonized over her own appearance and beauty to the point it made her genuinely depressed, etc... and still, in both of those scenarios, she was left. Now I want to be very clear: by my own feminist viewpoint and moral code, I do NOT think that makes a woman a failure. I believe a woman is often freed by being released from men. However, by HER standards of perpetual heterosexual servitude, shouldn't SHE be the loser? How does she have the audacity to say that I'm choosing women because it "didn't work out" with men (aka, I failed to get what women "really want")... when she played the societal role and it didn't work out FOR HER?
Is it just me, or is this straight-up delusional? Maybe I'm being overly defensive, but I can't help but think she's just projecting her own "failures" onto me. I don't judge her for being left by men; both of the men in question were scrotes, and she's better off for it! I'm just shocked by the sheer level of Straight PickMe Audacity.
Also, I don't want to sound cruel to straight women, because they also suffer under patriarchy...
but I can't help but think that lesbians and bi women are a kind of socially acceptable "punching bag" for some straight women. It's like... men are the masters, straight women are the dogs; and those striaght women making fun of lesbians and FebFEM bi women because we don't enjoy being walked on a leash the way they claim to. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's honestly how I feel.
At what point does PickMeism, especially with straight women, just become complete delusion?
She is acting like a wise person yet already tanked two of her marriages. Be careful people like that want to control others to avoid their own issues.
I think straight women are way less likely to attack bi or lesbian women than males are (this goes for gay, bi and straight males). I think they could be more understanding of women who just never had any attraction to men..personally thought chronic abuse (physical, financial, emotional) by sociopath and narcissist men I lost my attraction to men years ago and haven't dated in five years. But that doesn't mean I'm attracted to women now all of a sudden just cause I got abused by men (I've also been abused by women in my family but it wasn't as bad as the men's abuse). I think people should get more of a context of people's situation. In this case I believe now I'm asexual and strictly look for platonic relationships with other women with no sexual attraction involved. I think sexual attraction is either there or it isn't but it's certainly controllable. Anyone can be a pickme, even to other women but if you're no longer sexually attracted to anyone you can't possibly be a pickme anymore lol.
First red flag is she said she "still loved [you]." That is some a-level homophobia sh*t. 🚩
A true ally would say, "Wow! I'm so happy for you, and grateful you feel safe enough to share with me. 💕"
Then she blabs her bullsh*t about your lack of "success," with "men?!" She is deep in the dark side, sis. ☠️
I think this is a B&D situation. She will continue to spew this crap, and could do damage to your sense of self-worth. Why confide in her or have her in your life at all?