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I got after my fiancé a couple weeks ago to do dishes, and we had some good discussion after some initial defensiveness. We both asked each other what our ideal dynamic would be and I realized the BEST that I can imagine for myself is 50/50–two partners who see work that needs doing and each just do it because they want to and because they enjoy the benefits of a well-run household (a type of 50/50 where you would notice and be grateful for the work your partner does, but without score-keeping).
That got me thinking about the best dynamic men imagine for themselves. Women will feel ashamed while they’re actively doing dishes that the task isn’t yet done while also feeling guilty about the laundry upstairs, but men? (We’ve heard the joke that they only clamor for 50/50 when it’s time to pay a bill.)
I asked my fiancé what he thought the average man would say is his ideal domestic dynamic…he said 60/40 while dating a woman with the man doing 60%. And after being married for 5 years, 90/10 with the woman doing 90%. (Fiancé claims his goal is 50/50 but obviously we keep after him to act right). So on average, they try to impress you and then slowly stop contributing.
And I think that’s spot on. The GOAL for men is to get you to compromise into long-term doing more or most on the domestic front. And they will use every slow boil, boundary testing tactic to get there.
(The goal for men doing 10-40% of the load is so that they have something to point to defensively about how they help or how they just did a thing and therefore are exempted from doing another thing. We call this personality “guy who washed a plate in 1982.” Or if they start out a relationship st a certain level, to taper off with excuses and boundary tests to see if you’ll pick it up.)
If you love your partner and/or want a future with him, CORRECT him! You can be polite, but be direct! “This dynamic does not work for me long term. I can pick it up today/this week/this season of life—but I am not doing a majority of the household chores long term.”
There’s a post-breakup video of a woman talking about how her ex was surprised after she told him over and over again about how unhappy she was and his reply was “yes, but I didn’t think you’d leave”. She observes that he was trying to find her ”tolerable level of permanent unhappiness”—where she would be annoyed, but not exit the relationship, so that he could be the laziest that he could get away with, and be free to spend his time doing whatever else other than domestic labor.
What’s the obvious problem if the goal for a woman is 50/50 and the goal for a man is 90/10? Where would they land if they “compromised“? It would be some level of PERMANENT UNHAPPINESS for the woman!
“Compromising” then would be your partner doing 11-49% of the work depending on how much he values your happiness, how vocal you are about being unhappy, and how effective you are at managing him to a higher level of efficiency. Sounds exhausting already doesn’t it?
(And all the while he’d be resentful about having to compromise while you’d be resentful that he’s both not contributing fairly and carrying an attitude about it.)
Most women would die a thousand deaths of shame and embarrassment having someone else feed them and clean after them on the regular. Most men not only feel no shame in this regard, they actually feel entitled to having you do it for them more often than not.
It reminds me of the “eat shit” example, wherein someone tells you to eat shit and you say, “no thanks, I don’t think I will” and they complain that you didn’t compromise and eat just a little.
You don’t have to compromise off of a position that is objectively fair for both parties. You don’t have to compromise off of a position when doing so would hurt your wellbeing. You don’t have to compromise off of demanding 50/50. (And your refusal to compromise on this front does not mean you have to compromise on other fronts either!)
You deserve a partner that not only wants to contribute their 100% effort, but someone who DOES. Men can “want to” all day, but the actions they show you month over month and year over year are most telling.
PS:
Men who have their entitlement coddled don’t magically appreciate you and all your hard work over the years either. When you go down recovering from surgery or after delivering children and his work load increases from 10% to 100%? He hates you. The piles of laundry and dishes will be waiting for you when you can physically stand again, and nothing will give you the ICK faster.
You would do better EARLY in a relationship to level your uncompromising expectations, ensure that he expresses wanting to contribute and actually, JOYFULLY contributes thereafter, because he values your happiness. (Shame does not motivate men—the only motivator for them is genuinely treasuring you.)
Recently I was headed out of the house for a long evening of work and professional events. My boyfriend saw I had a kitchen full of dirty dishes and asked if he could wash them for me. (We do not live together, but he was there that evening.) I told him he didn’t have to do that.
When I got home hours later, I found that he had done all of my dishes. Just because he knew I was exhausted, overworked, and short on time. He didn’t have to. I’d said he didn’t need to bother. But he did anyway. He told me he just wanted to make my life easier.
On the flip side, I had to talk him into letting me wash one dish he’d eaten off of. He often cooks for me and then does all the dishes.
Men who love being helpful are the true HVM. Do not stay in a relationship with a man who aims for 10/90 at your expense. Honestly, even a man who is complacent at 50/50 does not truly love and care for you. He should always be striving and desiring to give to you endlessly and relieve all of your burdens. That is how a man shows authentic love. If he doesn’t do that, he doesn’t love you enough in the right ways.