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Learning from all the highly intelligent and accomplished women here has been nothing short of a blessing. I know I say that a lot, but it's true. I have so much to thank for and the grace for all the women here who have taught me so much about men and how I may have acted the fool for so many years now. I think it's safe to say that I can give yet another nugget of my own wisdom once again with this.
I don't trust men for the most part. We all know why. Men have a horrid track record of being the sex that is historically unfaithful, disloyal, selfish, hypergamous (ie youth diggers), abusive, murderous, and most of all, dishonest about nearly everything. He'll lie to you about his age. He'll lie to you about his height. He'll lie about his job, his marital status, how many kids he has, or even what his favorite color is. Men will lie just about anything there is to lie about, all in the hopes of keeping the women in his life confused and in the dark of who he truly is or his true motivations are.
But there's one thing I can always trust men with. There's one thing I can bet with my own life or all of my life savings on, knowing I can win them both back easily. Men know exactly who they want to end up with.
There's been many discussions about this. Women outside of this website have been splitting hairs over this for years. Decades. Here at FDS, we talk about the whole golden pussy theory, with several of us scoffing at the very idea of it. We talk about how men know which woman he wants to be with versus not based on actions alone. Some of us believe that men will treat all women like shit, even to his "dream girl" should she ever step foot inside his world. Some of us might be offended at the idea that a man could be an absolute asshole to every single woman until "Miss Right" shows up, and suddenly he's ready for and believes in marriage, when he wasn't at all yesterday.
Let me put some of these worries and frustrations to rest once and for all. It doesn't matter what kind of guy he is. It doesn't matter if he was a dick to his old girlfriends before meeting the one. It doesn't matter if he's an HVM the whole way through before finally meeting the one. It doesn't matter if he wasn't good to you, but now he's an angel with the new girl in his life. It doesn't matter if he did treated you well, but suddenly married to the next one. The taxi light theory. The box theory. The whatever else theory.
None of it matters at all.
I can be downright hateful to men right now, because of how much societal power they still have over us and how much they've ruined so many women's lives. I can make jokes about their receding hairlines and their gorging beer bellies. But there's now a very small, tiny part inside of me where my heart towards them softens and understands. I trust that men, as a whole, know who they were meant to be with in the end. I trust that men have the common sense to know the kind of woman that they dream of being his wife. I no longer wish to fight with men or challenge their preferences about who they really want to love and spend the rest of their lives with.
This is more than He Is Just Not That Into You. It is actually, He Just Knows You Aren't It.
There is nothing I can do to change a man's mind about who this Miss Right is. If I'm not her, I will gracefully exit his life and that'll be the end of it. He can be the worst NVM on Earth or the most caring HVM ever; I trust him with my entire being that he knows who he is desperately waiting for his entire life. It's more than just the golden pussy or that he's too stupid to realize what a great catch I am; none of that matters.
What matters is observing men with my eyes instead of with hopeful ears of whatever lies he decides to tell me that day, and moving accordingly. You will know when a man sees you as his one. You will know when he truly loves you with everything he has. You will know that this is the man who will drop everything to make your life better, if you could let him in. You will know this. Trust me!
I have to write all of this out because I keep seeing women all around me trying to theorize about what is it or who is it that a man truly wants. And the hard truth is that he already knows the answer. How? Men have been given permission from the world around him to always choose himself first; to choose what he wants out of life and to go get it, and to who he actually desires and go find or wait for her without shame. I think there's still a lot of people in general who might have some fun with shaming men about who it is he wants, but I think I want no part of it anymore.
Some dude could tell me right now, "My Miss Right is a tiny little petite redhead with huge boobs and just graduated from college." and I'll be like, "You know something? I believe you. Good luck finding her." and actually mean it. If that's his one, that's his one. No sense fighting with him over it.
I only say that last part because I realize what a waste of time it has been in my life to try to talk with men or convince them that I am who they want or who they are waiting for. They had the answer since childhood, while the average woman (such as myself) realizes what kind of man she actually wants to be with later on in life. Sometimes, much later on in life. So, I trust men for just one reason only, and it's that he knows who his one is. The man I will end up with, already knows that it's me that he's waiting for, and when we meet, it'll be as natural between us as breathing. And yours will know, too. 💟
I agree but I also think some of what you describe is giving men too much agency and women not enough say. We also choose who's right for us too and somehow our society gives men all the power to direct and steer the course of the relationship. I believe if women took more control and cut them off sooner it would be better for society overall. Women are the choosers and I think this makes it seem like men are the choosers when really most of the time they just take what they can get that's convenient and in front of them and their so called dream girl doesn't really exist, just like our dream guy doesn't exist. I believe there's no the one and we're compatible with a lot of people. It's just we have to vet who's qualified and who's not. Men aren't out here vetting who's qualified for a wife. Their standards are nonexistent. they're looking for women who can do for them like a slave. They want women for the services they can offer. Not the value she has as a person or who she is at her core. We have a lot more power than we realize and we keep handing it over to these men that half the time aren't even rational or logical decision makers themselves. I won't ever let a man lead me anywhere because most of the time they lead a women straight into a psych ward or an early grave. A narcissist/sociopath will treat everyone with the same abuse, whether it's a hookup or a wife so I don't believe men ever switch up for the woman they marry, they treat her the with the same disrespect. They're just looking for a doormat so they are definitely not looking for the one, just someone dumb and gullible enough to fall for their lies and manipulations. If a man knows he can't manipulate you he won't deal with you and will find someone who let's him get away with the abuse.
I was someone's Miss Right and he abused me. He pursued me, chased me, wine&dine-d me for years. He invested in me. His friends thought he was "changed". He abused me LESS then his exes, because I was Miss Right (lucky me!). But he still abused me and discarded me, after 10 years of being casted in the role of Miss Right, when the reality of my real personhood started clashing with the fantasy he had envisioned for his life with me as his beautiful supporting act, whose only purpose in life should have been standing on a pedestal irradiating light and being content with being spoiled by him in return. Agency was not on the cards for me and got me punished.
For the love of god, STOP romanticizing love bombing and "The One™️". The One doesn't exist, and in the rare instance it does, you can only know ex-post. "Oh look, I happily spent 20/30/50 years with her/him, they're The One™️"
"The One" when it comes to men means "I'm obsessed with this woman". It doesn't mean for the right reasons. It doesn't mean he's capable of loving you as an actual human. It doesn't mean he has integrity or honesty. Men are obsessed with women for stupid or opportunistic reasons. Can we please STOP romanticizing love bombing on this community in the name of "high effort"? It hurts women just as much as chasing unavailable men, in my opinion it hurts women even more. Women don't literally die from unavailable men, if they have the sense of dropping them, but they DO literally die from men who can't let go of "The One" they're obsessed with.
When we are focusing on "who and what men really want" we are missing the point. It doesn't matter what men really want. A man that "just knows" that he "truly deeply wants YOU" means NOTHING if he's a man with no integrity. The only thing that really matters is what WE want.
LVM are fickle, insecure, and self-destructive. Don’t put any weight on what they want. Their minds can change based on who is youngest, prettiest, best validates the jello of their pathetic ego, which porn categories they’ve been watching lately, etc. Just ignore them all.
But I agree that a HVM will recognize that he wants you and will pursue you and make it clear that he wants to be with you and care for you. In which case, you still need to vet him and make sure he’s really HVM, that he is capable, that he makes your life safe and joyful.
The best path is to selectively provide men with opportunities to pursue you, yet completely ignore them.
I don't know, a man who has such a strict and superficial definition of his ideal "type" is automatically LV to me. So he's never going to be right for me or any woman for that matter. He might treat his "dream woman" marginally better but only to convince himself that none of the issues in his past relationships were his fault, but the woman's for not being "worthy" of his best self. These women never even had a chance at being "the one" because this guy was not willing to love them for who they were. Love is not just about meeting the right person and everything magically falling into place, it's also a continuous act of acceptance and benevolence. Sure, we all have an internal blueprint of our ideal partners but some people just don't have the capacity to truly love someone, most they can do is desire. "My perfect woman is a tiny redhead" is desire, not love.
I agree with the comments saying that this take gives men too much agency
I think men have a physical type and know immediately who they find physically attractive
And that's about it.
I don’t think there is ever the one for them if it were they wouldn’t have gotten married and still cheat on their “ the one ” .
I agree with all of this completely. The question I have for you, though is...
How are you certain that you will meet your HVM? How do you know that you're definitely going to end up partnered?
Have you thought about what you would do if the in the event that your perfect guy doesn't show up?
And what about if a guy makes it seem like you're his Miss Right, and treats you that way for a while, and then... stops?
I see the core of this message as “if he’s not actively choosing me, I’m not wasting my time with him”.
I don’t believe that men will suddenly become good people for “the one” if they’re already abusive arseholes.
Men will happily fall into a relationship with any woman who will have him, while she deludes herself that he is really choosing her. This is why we vet men, and why we don’t do things for them until they’ve shown active commitment to us.