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Originally posted on FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
I'll admit I wasn't sold on this idea at first. I had/ have this idea that if you want something, you should pursue it wholeheartedly. But that's not incompatible with FDS. More on that later.
A former FWB once told me if a woman ever came on to you, you should go for it because otherwise it's an opportunity for sex that goes wasted. This was a guy who had a constant rotation of partners and was still bitter about getting rejected at times. I was at peak Pickme back then and I've learned my lesson since.
In this point of my life I was active on dating apps, sending first messages and scouring every profile I could for some sliver of compatibility. I worked too damn hard for a woman on OKC and had little to show for it. My desperation probably showed in my messages. Oh well.
The one "success" I had was with a different FWB (see a pattern?) Who flat out told me he didn't want anything serious and I stupidly thought by hanging around and being nice I could change his mind. We'd talk a lot, and not just about sex. He was an extreme introvert and I helped encourage him to overcome his shyness. He did... and found himself a new girlfriend and disappeared. Not a new story.
Looking back I've noticed that for the most part, the men in my life who treated me best (including my current partner) were the ones who pursued me. The ones I approached weren't really into me but were more than happy for the attention while they kept their options open.
On "go after what you want," I still believe in that. But my wants now aren't the same as they were in my early twenties. Back then I just wanted someone. Now the bar is much higher. If you want someone who pursues and treats you like a queen, you're not going to find that by chasing fuckboys online and wondering why they haven't asked you out yet. Redirect your attention elsewhere.
Stay safe.
I second this. I find myself naturally pursuing men but I have to hold myself back because once they know you are willing to put work in/are an initiator, they’ll fucking recline back and feed you crumbs to make you believe they want you too. You’re just a wet hole offering itself up for free to them. OP, your fwb was right. When you pursue, you’re just an opportunity to get their peepee wet. I don’t advocate for going against one’s nature but if you’re a pursuer then you need to use restraint. Save up that active energy for when you’re in a relationship with a man that has proven himself worthy of your energy, attention, and time.
Thanks for your insight OP :)