Meeting men in person

I did not write this post, I had it saved from the subreddit. I do not own the intellectual property. If you are the original author and would like it taken down, let me know.

This piece was inspired by u/theterminatress’ excellent post about ditching online dating. As someone who can make pleasant conversation with literally anyone on the planet, I thought I would share some of my own tips, tricks, and specific examples for breaking the “talk barrier” with strangers. This works with men and women, because the goal is simply to indicate to a person you don’t know that you are open to conversation. I haven’t read the John Gottman book mentioned in the original post, but I suspect this is similar to his concept of “bids”. I will also talk about a few of the options you have for meeting and talking to men when you are primarily (or solely) interested in activities that are heavily coded as “feminine”.

You may be wondering if you should even talk to men first, given that one of the major principles in FDS is that the man should be doing the pursuing. The truth is that many men will wait for a sign from you that you want to talk to them; they don’t want to bother women who aren’t interested! And while you can sometimes indicate interest simply with body language, it can also be very useful to “drop the handkerchief” and let him know he’s welcome to approach.

“Dropping the handkerchief” (or making a ‘bid’) is very simple: you make a statement or ask a question that invites a response an engagement. As I’ve said, you can do this for men and women, because the first few things you say to a person probably shouldn’t be flirtatious anyway! Some easy ways to open the dialogue include:

Asking a Question

“Have you tried the Vanilla Chai Protein Shake? It sounds good but I’m suspicious.”

“Sorry to intrude, but did you say you biked down Mountain Trail this weekend? I’ve always wanted to try it, how was it?”

“Where did you get [X]?”

“What a fantastic set – I haven’t seen this band live before, are they always this good?”

In general, men love being asked for their opinion on something (shocking, I know) so that will almost always work as an opener. Asking a question is nice because it almost requires an answer, and it also allows people an easy way to begin the engagement. Sometimes, however, there are no obvious questions to ask, and making one up might feel forced.

Making a Statement

Opening with a statement can be harder because you have to think of something to say, and it is more likely to fail because you haven’t given people an obvious response. However, a natural statement made with a little bit of humour can be absolute magic. The best opening statements are positive (or delivered positively, not in a whiny or disgusted voice) and invite the other person to see that you are like them.

Try commenting on something noticeable in your shared vicinity or an event/change you are experiencing together. For example, my gym recently removed the swinging plastic doors between the reception desk and the change rooms and it still confuses me (and lots of other people) every time. I joked about this with the guy at the reception desk, and we chatted for a few seconds as I walked past. Nothing came of it (I’m married, and wouldn’t hit on someone at work regardless) but that interaction was easy and fun because he heard my ‘bid’ (“I keep waiting for doors to open that don’t even exist anymore, and somehow getting stuck??”) and responded in kind (“Don’t feel silly, I work here and I keep running over to open doors that were removed weeks ago!”)

Commenting on something you share in common, even if only momentarily, feels much less awkward or forced then just trying to come up with random small talk. And it’s very easy for people to politely end the interaction, or simply chose not to engage, if they don’t want to.

If They Don’t Answer

If you “drop a handkerchief” and get ignored or a curt answer, disengage immediately. Do not try to come up with something ‘better’ or throw out another ‘bid’ if they don’t pick up your first offer. If it’s someone you might see again at a place you frequent, it’s much more likely that they’ll completely forget about your interaction and there will be limited weirdness for either of you. If you keep pushing, you’ll just come across as desperate and a bit thick. Some people don’t want to chat, and that’s no reflection on you. Move on to someone who does.

How to Talk to Guys in Public

Most decent men are extra reluctant to approach a woman at a gym, since he absolutely does not want to come across as a creeper, but they may also not want to approach you at a coffee shop, while you’re out at a pub with your friends, while you’re both at a sandwich place you’ve seen each other at a couple of times, etc. That’s why it’s important to let him know you’re open to talking.

In the gym, find a natural time and reason to talk to him either BEFORE or AFTER you work out. Nobody wants to have their sets interrupted to get chatted up, but many people are open to (slowly!) making friends (or at least friendly acquaintances) at their gym. You can ask a man about the name of an exercise he just did, as long as you’re genuinely curious to google it and try it out. If you’re waiting to go in, you can comment on anything (the ratty couches, the protein powder on sale, the trainers) just to let him know that you are open to a conversation.

The most important thing is to only ever do this once. Some men will be so confused that a beautiful woman is talking to them that they’ll bungle the first interaction, but they will remember that you were friendly to them and will come over and make conversation the next time they see you. Allow these men to see you, walk over to you, and start any further conversations. Allow them to ask you for your number. Do NOT offer him your number, do not suggest dinner, do not walk around the gym hoping to spot him and then chat him up. If he wants to talk to you, he will – especially now that he knows it’s okay.

In a pub, ask the man beside you at the bar which beer is good (I have yet to meet a man who doesn’t love to tell a woman about beer). Or ask for a wine suggestion – “I’ve never been here before, do you know if the house red is any good?” He may or may not take you up on your opener, but it’s hardly embarrassing if he doesn’t. You can follow up by asking the bartender, or a woman nearby who already has a glass of wine in her hand. And if you ever see him at the pub again, you won’t have any uncomfortable memories of getting rejected. The most important thing is that the question is natural and actually useful to you – don’t ask him about scotch if you hate it.

If you can’t think of a good question, you can always open with a simple statement about the place: “Wow, it looks so much nicer in here now that they’ve installed those new taps” or “I always have a hard time deciding what I want when I’m faced with a wall of bottles”. If he wants to talk to you, he’ll be thrilled at the chance. If he doesn’t’ – if he nods once, or grunts and turns away – no loss on your part. Just let the conversation drop and go on with your day.

In general, if you want to talk to someone in a public setting but are worried that it’ll be ‘weird’, do it close to when you’re planning on leaving so you have a natural exit. Chat with the guy in the parking lot of your favourite hiking trail as you’re packing up to go (also, honestly, a safer strategy). Chat with the guy you’ve seen at the doggy daycare a couple of times as you’re waiting to pick up your dog. Chat with the guy sitting near you at the restaurant as you’re getting up to leave. That way if you get ignored, you can literally just move on.

But I Never Even See Men!

Ah yes, the quintessential problem: you work in a female-dominated profession, or you work from home. Your hobbies include macrame, Zumba, cake decorating and your book club. All your friends are women and most of them are married. You live in the suburbs, surrounded by couples. What’s a woman to do?

-If you like a sport/exercise that is heavily female-coded, see if you can do it in a larger gym that has co-ed or general facilities. There may not be any guys in your class, but there may be some hanging around before or after.

-If you like a female-dominated craft, head over to a large, general-purpose craft store and wander the aisles you might not normally go down. Chat with the man in line in front of you – because yes, plenty of men have hobbies that might bring them in a Michael’s from time to time!

-Further to that, visit large, general craft/artisanal markets. Sure, you’ll come across lots of stuff you’re specifically interested in, but you’ll also find guys selling hand-made wooden cutting boards, leathercrafts or smoked meats. Even if you don’t like those things specifically, are you really devoid of curiosity about other creative outlets that you can’t chat with a man over a jar of wasabi mustard?

-Invite your girlfriends to meet at different pubs and restaurants in different neighborhoods. Offer to get the first round, and chat with the man at the bar (if you want to!). He likely won’t approach you while you’re at your table with your friends, but he might stop you and chat when you’re on your way back from the restroom or when you head up to pay your tab.

-Expand your social circle: invite some people over and specifically ask them to bring one or two people you don’t know, who they think you might get along with. You can be very open with this: “I’m trying to make new friends, but it’s hard out there! Do you know any interesting people you think I should meet?” Don’t specifically ask them to bring men, since they may try to dump a loser on you. Instead, allow your social circle to expand organically; eventually, someone is going to have a brother, cousin, coworker or former roommate who is available and interesting.

Interrogate Your Rigid Beliefs

Is it really true that there isn’t a single thing you like to do that men might also enjoy? You don’t like literally any team sport, but also won’t join a running or cycling club? You never go see a band in concert or in a bar? You never go to the movies? You never stand in line at a Chipotle? You never buy office supplies? You never walk your dog?

It can be hard to talk to strangers, so start by chatting with women if that makes it easier. Remember, the goal is not to walk up to a guy, look him in the eyes and purr “Hey hot stuff, want to be my Mr. Right?” Most HVM will find that creepy anyway. The goal to be comfortable saying “Hey, does this place take VISA?” to a man standing next to you. It’s really not hard, and I promise the stakes are low.