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We've all been there.
He's absolutely enchanted by you, lavishing his affections left and right. Maybe it's the flirty banter that seems to be reserved for you, the wining and dining, the elaborate plans for a seemingly shared future. Maybe it's in how he clams up around you (bonus points for a stutter), glances from across the room, an endearing shyness in your presence and how anyone around you who cares to pay attention notices he treats you differently from other girls.
The interest piques your interest. Seems promising, you think. After all, he is the one coming after you; you oblige and reward his attention.
Maybe it lasts a week, maybe it lasts 3 years. But inexplicably, after his very clear pursuit, poof, he's gone. Maybe he comes back, and maybe he doesn't; this pattern will continue however long you permit it.
Sure, everyone is allowed to change their mind. Everyone is allowed to decline romantic interest in someone. Ego bruised, you rack your head, trying to find that one, little thing about you that must have pushed him away. On and off situationships, ghosting, cartoonish host of interactions that seems dehumanizing and demoralizing.
While introspection and honesty with your self can be healthy, (Certainly, some women can exhibit pickme or abusive traits that are off-putting) the reality of it is, this isn't about you. In fact, it's far beyond you. This is a symptom of a much broader syndrome, a culture that puts a premium on "the hustle!" at any cost, and ultimately devalues the individual.
I see some women here say that this disappearing must mean he didn't like you. He never cared about you. I disagree; trust in your ability to read people enough , and trust in your desirability enough, to rest assured that yes, he did like/ still likes you. Remember, he came after you. He doesn't get a trophy for appreciating your desirability. But it doesn't matter. Because someone like this has already proven himself incapable of mature relationships.
With the advent of social media, narcissism has been noted to be on the rise; on the decline, are simple useless things like literacy, integrity and self-discipline (not my claims, look up the data). We have found ourselves here through a collective disappointment and surprise at the state of, not just men, but humanity. Instead of eagerly looking to partnership as an important life milestone, it's seen as a ball and chain. Something restrictive, rather than a lifelong companionship. We're left with men who don't know what they want, who flit from fling to fling until something falls into place.
A society that is bombarded with porn, OnlyFans, Insta models, "entertainment" that is basically porn (looking at you Game of Thrones) has flooded the market with the currency that was once sexual access to people. What once affected Hollywood couples has no trickled down to general society; that quote about testing one's character by giving them power is applicable here. The vast majority of people, when finding themselves in a position of power, will choose the easier option.
Why develop yourself into an interesting human being, why work on interpersonal skills if you can buy your deepest fantasies for a price? Why invest in someone and work on conflict resolution, when you can just swipe right on someone else? Why bother working for anything, if you can keep getting rewarded through the path of least resistance?
But everything comes at a price. With the unraveling of the most fundamental of personal interactions, romantic relationships, so too unravels society. After all, if you can't bother yourself to care enough about your partner to treat them decently, or even given them an honest explanation that you're no longer interested, how can you be expected to care about your fellow countrymen and women?
It's hard to find high-value partners and high-value friends because it's hard to even cultivate them in this society. This is not to discourage you; if anything, this is to reassure you. This is not your problem, or a reflection of you (although leveling up is always encouraged); this is a global, societal problem. I'm hopeful though because I am seeing more men and women wake up to this; the more open we are to discussing this, the easier it will be to change.
Keep your head held high and don't settle. Hang in there ladies!
Excellent post. Thank you so much for writing it. I developed limerence for a man who, I believe, showed obvious interest in me at the very beginning. He initiated contact with me, and came into my life. I did not seek this man out. He was clearly drawn to me. Once I showed interest, the tables seemed to turn. He was inconsistent, confusing, indifferent to me. I felt tricked. I felt crazy for ever believing he liked me even though I know there were signs of it. It all ended with him ghosting me.
The nature of limerence leads to obsessive rumination and intrusive thoughts. What did I do? Why doesn't he like me? Why am I nothing to him? FDS has helped me deal with these thoughts better. A man who acts inconsistently and only gives intermittent reinforcement is not an emotionally mature man. Unfortunately, the vast majority of men lack emotional maturity. We must stop internalizing their confusing, hurtful, and cruel behavior.
We must free ourselves of endlessly obsessing over why this or why that. You will never know. Just remember how special and important you are. Feel pity for anyone who can't recognize your beauty. Focus on those who can return your love and who are worthy of knowing you.
This resonated. I've been complaining about this phenomenon since my teens basically, with everything being customizable, on-demand, instant access, etc. It's satisfying in the short term and ruinous to your happiness in the long term. I see so many people having a hard time being grateful for what they have, or not trying to change what they can, instead they chase new forms of satisfaction in the outside world. Maybe the next vacation, job, video game, gadget, hookup or what have you will finally fill the void, right? Nothing wrong with having goals, but success and adventure aren't helpful goals unto themselves when the "why" is missing (or it's just "to feel good about myself"). With so many people looking for the next amazing thing to finally fulfill them (instead of working to create fulfillment for themselves), it's no wonder that dating is such a mess. I feel insanely lucky that I just stumbled upon a man who, like me, takes immense joy in the small things and practices daily gratitude. It feels like we're a dying breed. The older I get, the more I just want to do my own thing away from the rest of society, because I don't vibe with the incredibly fast pace of, well, everything. Today's hot shit is out by tomorrow. Even the value of many skills and bits of knowledge is degrading at lightning speed. Attention span is collectively getting shorter and people expect information condensed into smaller and smaller formats. No time for nuance or extended pondering. Get to the point already! The direction things are going at the moment is not for me. But I see other people getting tired of it as well. So I'm at least a little hopeful that there will be a counter-movement to all this madness.
This kind of guy still plays on my mind as much as I’m ashamed by that! The guy that pursued me hard, harder than anyone had in such a long time. The one who I was so attracted to, who planned our dates, payed for everything etc. Then to me feeling insecure because of his sudden inconsistency and him vanishing for days. I am glad however that I never slept with him and when he apologised and gave lame excuses for his disappearance I didn’t even reply. Never did. Delete and block. But boy does he feel incomparable to others. I hate that.
Fascinating post. I love it. I guess the essence boils down to the fact that there is always something or someone better. Nobody feels the need to invest long-term in anything anymore.
Great post!
In teenhood and early 20’s I tried my best to be liked by men. I let them act the way they want as long as they don’t hit me or call me names but that doesn’t guarantee that they wont neglect your feelings. Coming late, flirt with other women in front of you, trying to get other women’s personal details in secret, being hot and cold like a light switch. Cold when he’s in the progress to replace you and hot when he feels guilt for doing that or feels lonely Isn‘t hitting or calling you names but it’s the one of the worst type of disrespect.
Now in mid 20’s I’ve changed. I’ve sworn off online dating and I ignore msgs from men to my fb. I didn’t want to deal with men anymore and I thought I was cursed because all family members ended up alone because their partners are sh!tty. I didn’t know it was because I’m a pickme and that’s what I’ll attract. If you allow perverted talk towards you because you fear you are being difficult or your boundaries are lowered because you fear of not being liked you’ll end up alone anyway.
All I wanted is for the men I talk to, to be nice to me. Be caring like in the beginning but the nice guy act always has an expiration date.
But now I’m wiser. I will guard myself from love bombing, lies, and have my generousity taken advantage by being unforgiving. When you act out, even if it’s not that bad it’s goodbye.
My New Years resolution was that I will not tolerate crap.
I am unforgiving and intolerant. You behave accordingly or get out.
It doesn’t matter if your standards keep you alone, if you lower them you will end up alone anyway because in a man’s mind there is always something better out there.
My own uncle admitted that If younger women gave him attention he would have divorced his current wife.
"He did! He loved me as I loved him"
This post reminds me of this heart breaking scene in Sense and Sensibility.
You are worthy and loved.
Do you have any sources on the rise of narcissism? I don't doubt you, I just like the science of human behavior.