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Someone asks:
"Could you go into a bit more detail about how you learned to express your gratitude appropriately? I am currently working on this and having a hard time finding a middle ground where I’m expressing my joy at receiving but not going overboard to the point where the giver might doubt if my reaction is genuine."
Now here's a concept:
You feel grateful for the INTENTION, not the gift itself.
When he decides to give you something - it is in his intention to do so.
And he chooses to proceed with that intention and find that gift and give it to you. So you think back to that intention, his choice to proceed with that intention, going out of his way and find that gift and give to you - and feel gratitude on that. Not much on the present itself, but on his intention, choice and actions.
And here's another important point - if his intention in the first place when he choose to find that gift and give it to you is to trap you into a nonconsensual give-and-take transaction where you have to "pay him back (with your body)" - then he has the wrong intention from the start.
It is like a scammer luring you into a trap by helping your first. So, just like you aren't obligated to feel grateful to scammers for "helping" you - you are not obligated to feel grateful to that man whose intention is to trap you.
REMEMBER: GRATITUDE FOR THE INTENTION, NOT THE GIFT.
There are many reasons why you feel awkward and trying too hard to show your joy for the gift:
1. You fear that he has hidden intention and dread the inevitable request he will make - so it is hard for you to feel genuinely happy for his gift.
In life, you will meet two types of gift-giver:
1) Genuine gift-giver that just enjoy making you happy, and
2) Scummy gift-giver that gives because he/they want something from you.
Unfortunately, we are surrounded by scummy gift-giver because we live in that kind of society. But like I said above:
Remember: gratitude for the intention, not the gift.
Vet the man for his gift-giving intentions.
When you still at that stage where his is still a total stranger -- receive with the standard "Thank you" and smile. Don't worry if you feel awkward -- it is normal at this stage -- because this is when you start vetting for his intention.
Start to OBSERVE his gift-giving attitude from then on.
If his intention is genuine, his actions are genuine.
So his gifts will be genuine. He will stay consistent, he will continue his gifting and becoming better as he understands more about you, he never makes a big deal about it because hear this -- IT IS NORMAL TO GIVE THINGS TO SOMEONE YOU ARE COURTING!
He likes you, remember? He wants to court you, he wants to attract you, he wants to win your affection -- how will he achieve that if he isn't gifting you things? Even simple-brained animals know this!
If his intention isn't genuine in the slightest -- you will start seeing the cracks.
Scrotes expect you to grovel and kiss his feet every time he gifted you something.
He expects you to get awkward and uncomfortable and offering him something in return immediately -- and that is his cue to coerce you into sleeping with him.
If he can't get that, he will start throwing passive-aggressive bullsh*t -- citing "EqUaLiTy" and side eye you until you get your purse out and pay your share. And while we are at it -- why don't you foot the bill next time? EqUaLiTy!
Scrotes are scammy, and scammy people go out into the world wanting to trap people into giving them what they want. They can't just straight up asking you to sleep with him -- you will run away screaming -- so of course he will bait you.
And what is the most effective bait? That's right -- making it so that you feel like you "owe" him because he has been "kind" to you.
You don't "owe" him shit -- just like you don't "owe" scammer shit.
2. Deep down, you don't think you deserve the gift - and you don't deserve him. You don't deserve being treated nicely by him.
Then that's a deep wound you gotta heal. You can't keep living like this -- when will enough be enough? How many more years do you want to continue being like this? 10 years? 20 years? Until you die?
You have to do the inner work. You have to go to therapy. You have to deal with the wounded child. You have to level up. You just have to.
He can't save you from yourself.
You have to GET OUT of your head and climb out of that deep, murky well. You have to start. You can't expect things to change when you aren't moving and just keep sitting there being hopeless and wallowing in misery.
When will enough be enough?
3. He got you something you really can't use
I can't use perfume (skin condition) or any adult products (too much fragrance). Also I can't use women handbags because I have ribcage and shoulder issue.
But of course in the newly dating stage, it is understandable he would not know any of these finer details (even the most observant of men will need some time) -- so he will follow the typical "safe" gifts template: perfume, handbags, a good-smelling lotion. So what do I do?
I will still smile, take the gift and thank him. But also tell him immediately after (politely of course) that I can't use any of the gift because [insert reason here]. Just be blunt and clear -- and you are still thanking him for his kindness, intention, and effort in gifting you.
Most men (and people) appreciate that. It may get a little awkward during that moment -- but it makes thing so much easier for everyone involved, going forward.
You can always tell him you can't use xyz because abc, and you mostly find efg useful and love hij during the date.
Just be honest.
4. You knew someone in the past - the toxic "friend" that used and abused you/someone you know and just take take take from her friends. You are TERRIFIED if you don't "pay him back" for his gifts - you will be just like that girl.
You won't. You are not her. You won't suddenly turn into her or be a monster like her just because you do something that in on itself is a neutral thing - but she abused it.
Choosing to say thank you for his gift and that's it is a neutral thing. There's nothing morally wrong with it - a good guy will appreciates it even because you aren't turning it into a business transaction.
What that toxic "friend" did was taking advantage of something neutral, something good and abuse the crap out of it for her own selfish desire and traumatize you for life. If you need to blame - blame her. The fault is not on the neutral thing - it is on her.
So when you do the neutral thing - understand that the fear of becoming like her is a trauma response not based in reality. You won't suddenly become this "person" you yourself don't recognize and take take take from him just because you choose to accept his gift. That's just not how human - just not how you works.
You are not her. You won't become her. You have complete control over yourself - trust yourself. Have faith in yourself.
5. You truly just don't know how to act when you get gifts because you aren't used to it
Get used to it. There's really no other way around it.
Smile and thanked him.
Smile and thanked him.
Smile and thanked him.
Even if you feel you are being cringely awkward, force yourself to keep doing it.
Keep doing it until something insides you "wake up" one day.
Bit by bit, that hard, icy, numb wall will fall down. And he is helping you along the way -- with his genuine intention, genuine efforts, thoughtful gifts.
Keep receiving with a smile and a "Thank you". You will get there.
THE KEY IS: IT IS NOT ABOUT HOW YOU EXPRESS IT, IT IS ABOUT HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL.
Receiving with gratitude isn't about the performative act of showing him you are "happy" with his gift, nor does it a compulsory feeling that you have to be in every time you get a gift - it is a reaction you naturally will have from a genuine, honest gesture.
It is not hard to feel grateful when you sense that the gift-giver is genuinely honest with his gift. And you don't even have to force yourself to act being happy when you are happy - he can see that. You smile, your eyes, your whole body will radiate intense joy and happiness. He can see that. A happy smile is fundamentally different from a performative smile - you can't fake it.
REMEMBER: GRATITUDE IS A REACTION. HIS INTENTION HAS TO BE GENUINE FIRST FOR YOU TO BECOME GRATEFUL, HAPPY, AND RADIATING WITH JOY. IT STARTS WITH HIM, NOT YOU.
This concept of "gratitude for intention" also applies to relatives, coworkers, "friends", random strangers who at first being all kind and helpful to you with the intention to trap you into helping them.
You know those people that suddenly got all chummy and bought you coffee - and want you to do something in return? You aren't obligated to feel grateful, much less "pay them back". Their intention is scammy for the get-go - so all bets are off, and you are free to NOT do anything.
The unfortunate side to the society we live in is that we encounter sooooo many of this scummy "gift-giver", so we feel like this is normal.
No, it is not.
The original culture of gift-giving is a pure, wanting-to-make-the-receiver-happy practice. But just like everything good in this world - toxic people came in and ruin it for us all.
The fault is not in the practice, it is in the people who use it for their own selfish intention.
So if you feel like you are surrounded by these scummy "gift-givers" - the only way to protect yourself is to stop receiving from them and cut them off. If you accidentally receive their gifts - either give it back or take it and don't feel bad about it.
They are scammers, they choose to give that gift to you - ain't your fault you aren't falling for their scam.
Only allow genuine gift-givers to surround you and eventually you will understand that saying "People give you something because they want to see you happy, that's it" is absolutely true.
Even the simplest gesture will make you smile the happy smile when you know that it is genuine.
Stay safe.
I’ve never read a post on a kind and honest way to receive gifts, this is so unique and helpful. I’ve also never come across a post describing the difference between a gift giver with good intentions vs a gift giver with manipulation behind it. Thank you! I love this post and will genuinely benefit from it!
Yes yes yes!
I would be careful with rewarding intention in the "He got you something you really can't use" case. There's a slippery slope to feeling forced to act grateful for shitty, thoughtless, inappropriate or plain insulting gifts just because "he meant well" there.
You only need to show gratitude if it was an honest mistake he truly couldn't have avoided, the gift itself is nice and appropriate (like your example of not knowing about your allergies in the early dating phase) and it is truly what you feel.
If the reason for the useless gift is him being lazy, thoughtless, cheap, selfish (e.g. giving you something that would actually be a gift to himself, like lingerie or sex toys or a kitchen tool used so you can make his favorite meal) or any other not truly, absolutely innocent reason, you are allowed to call him out and aren't ungrateful or a bad person for not acting happy enough just because he bothered to get you a gift. That's rewarding the bare minimum.