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WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
Hey all, I'm sure this topic might have been mentioned on the sub before. Wanted to send out a warning to FDS lurkers / newbies who are trying to maybe quietly determine whether or not their partner is LV / NV.
Just because you met his family does not make him "safe"
His family can be culpable in attempting to bleach red flags under your nose to make you comfortable and thus easier to use/control. Please be vigilant in vetting his family, as well as him, continuously.
Beware these glaring red flags 🚩🚩🚩:
He wanted you to meet him family very early on in dating
His family, soon after meeting you, immediately expect you to be at their beck and call
Poor boundaries, enmeshment, over-involvement
Stressed family dynamics, to which you may be subjected to witness/be involuntarily involved in (yelling between parents/siblings, triangulation)
Pressure from the family for you two to move in together, or for you to move in with them (subsequently asking you to pay rent, effectively becoming your in-laws / landlord). This is actually a big one. Financial boundaries are essential to avoid becoming a cash cow for the family/financial baby sitter for their son. This also means being weary of any handouts, as they expect commitment from you to their son in exchange for their "investment". This could be in the form of "gifting" you the down payment on a home. This could also look like them bailing him out of his poor financial decisions, and eventually expecting you to take on that responsibility on their behalf.
Inappropriately using you for emotional support
Becoming the "trophy girlfriend", expecting you to be present at all family events, effectively using you to bring status to the family (you make them look good)
They are hurt when you set boundaries, or choose to spend time away from them as a unit
His mom tries to laugh off any complaints you have about her son
His family expect you to participate in the form of paying for a big dinner, to your part of a cruise vacation without any assistance from them or their son, however fully expecting you to come up with the funds, or else risk insulting them with setting a boundary/not showing up
Pressuring you to produce their grandkids well before you're ready or willing to have that conversation, if you express this, they insist that they would "help you" (they're trying to baby trap you too sis. goodbye autonomy and choice, hello indentured motherhood)
Almost desperate to keep you around to care for him
It may feel good initially to have your presence in demand, but this is not healthy or sustainable. Being used and discarded by one person is harmful, but that one person comes from a family unit that enables each other to act in this way for their advancement / betterment at your expense. Remember, its not just the parents that benefit from you assuming wardship of their son; its also siblings, aunts and uncles, hell even kids from previous relationships. Literally nothing is off-bounds.
To counter act this push and pull, you can spend some time to quietly meditate on what you bring to the table. Write out the perks of dating you. And you can also write out the perks of dating him, for kicks. It is key is to bring constant self-awareness to your value and worth, in order to counter-act devaluation methods that make it easier for others to control you.
Share your red flags in the comments, I'm sure I missed loads. Stay vetting!
SayNad's comment:
While vetting for the man, don't forget to vet his family too. It is actually good to meet his family as soon as you are comfortable so that you can start the vetting process asap. Because you get a far clearer picture of the guy when he is around his family -- and even if the guy wears his mask well, his family members usually are a little too "saccharine" in their acts -- too polite, too smiley, too nice, too "kind", too careful, too fake. They aren't as invested in you (as the guy is) so they won't put much effort in perfecting their masks. Just defaulted to the "nice happy family with welcoming arms" act.
The handbook posts project.
Anyone who wants to contribute to this project, please puts [Handbook Posts:] in their title so there's a distinction. Also tag @SayNad so that I can find them.