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WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov is an excellent and hilarious book on learning how to stand up for yourself gracefully and with minimum stress. I hope it's ok that I'm sharing an excerpt from one of my favorite chapters, but I highly advise all the queens here to read the book in its entirety and absorb its wisdom. Stay safe, stay happy, vixens :-)
Dumb Like a Fox
The Dumb Fox Credo as outlined here, allows for smooth sailing and no room for conflict:
Agree with everything.
Explain nothing.
Then do what is best for you. It will make life a whole lot easier.
The Dumb Fox Is a Clever Negotiator
The dumb fox doesn’t give up power, she simply creates the appearance that she does. And this very much helps her positioning power because she gets what she wants.
Here’s a classic example. A woman I know named Michelle told me about a man she’s seeing. On the second date, he asked her if she’d drive to his place. She was put on the spot and then pulled a dumb fox move. She ignored the request and very sweetly asked, “Would you prefer to get together another night? If tonight is inconvenient, I do understand.”
Michelle averted the question completely. She didn’t act upset or tell him what to do. She simply gave him a couple of alternatives, one of which is that she may not participate. Then she let him choose.
The beauty is that the dumb fox is agreeable, tactful, and always polite, so he thinks he’s in control (even though he isn’t). Even though the dumb fox appears oblivious, she is very aware.
It’s no different than a successful business negotiation:
She doesn’t spell out where she’s coming from.
She’s prepared to walk away, if the terms aren’t favorable to her.
The dumb fox does both, without words. She negotiates with her willingness (or lack thereof) to participate. If the offer sounds good, she says, “I’d love to.” If the offer doesn’t sound good, she answers, “I’d love to, but I’m pooped.” She responds favorably when he behaves like a gentleman and backs off in a subtle way if his manners fall short.
The dumb fox doesn’t spell things out.
The nice girl, on the other hand, makes the mistake of wearing her heart on her sleeve almost all the time. As one man named Paul said, “Women talk too much. If she’s upset, she’ll go on and on. I’d rather get into a ring with Mike Tyson for six rounds than hear a woman repeat herself over and over.”
Think about the last time a man spilled his guts. At first it feels like “bonding.” But the novelty wears off very quickly. Men want bonding, sure—below the waist.
The two-hour phone calls you love are a big mistake. He likes it the first time because he knows you’re interested. After that, he hates it. Don’t let conversations on the phone last too long. Don’t let yourself be perceived as a tiresome obligation. Keep the phone calls short and sweet—and he’ll never get tired of calling.
The Dumb Fox Is More Mysterious
The dumb fox knows that familiarity breeds contempt, so she doesn’t spill her guts on the first couple of dates. She lets the “cream rise to the top” without rushing things.
When you first meet a man, don’t overcompensate by doing all the talking. Don’t talk constantly out of nervousness. Keeping cool and quiet will give you more appeal, not to mention the ability to wield more power.
I was once on a date with a man I had just met. He began to share all the sordid details of his last relationship. I had no desire to listen, but I didn’t criticize him or make him feel “wrong.” I was polite. I simply asked, “So John, what’s your workload like at the office this week?”
The dumb fox does not ask, “May we change the subject?” Permission isn’t necessary.
The dumb fox also doesn’t tell him about her past relationships. You’re “a prize,” and you don’t have a long list of calamities to report. He doesn’t need to know that your ex-husband stole your appliances, is defaulting on his child support, and has a Mafioso brother who is doing time for racketeering. If he’s classy, he won’t be impressed that your last boyfriend is “still stalking you and can’t let go.”
If he asks about your ex, you say, “We went our separate ways.” Here’s another option: “We wanted different things.” The dumb fox relies on a “vague generality” when he asks for information that’s none of his business.
As far as what you disclose? Don’t volunteer bad information about yourself. He doesn’t need to know that you’re insecure about your thighs or that you haven’t been on a date in 7.2 months. Inquiring minds do not need to know.
Men automatically assume that, if you’re interested, you’ll do anything to “nail him down.” He immediately thinks you want “exclusivity”; you want to break open the hope chest and have babies with him. It’s important for him to think you’re different: You are relaxed, secure, and happy with him or without him. This is known as the happy-go-lucky formula:
When you are always HAPPY;
And he is always free to GO;
He feels LUCKY
The Dumb Fox Is True to Herself
The fox is the smaller animal, and in the animal kingdom, the smaller animal is the prey. Therefore, the fox knows it is incumbent on her to look out for her own best interests, especially in the beginning of a relationship. On the other hand, the nice girl believes everything she’s told because it sounds good, which puts her out there to get hurt. The fox knows that, in the beginning, a man is likely to “flower up” his intentions; therefore, she must stay alert.
Trivia question: Which guy scores more women: the guy who “flowers up” his intentions, or the guy who tells it like it is? The point is, if he has a hidden agenda the last thing he’ll do is spell it out for her. So it’s up to the fox to figure things out on her own.
The reason the dumb fox doesn’t reveal what she observes is that he’ll show his true colors much more quickly when he doesn’t realize he is being watched.
When a man talks about himself or past relationships, he may do so as a way of helping her “get to know him.” Rather than getting into heavy question-and-answer sessions, the fox keeps the conversation light. Why? The truest things are said in jest. He’ll tell you everything you need to know in passing conversation, with a joke or an off-the-cuff remark here and there. If he’s a wolf dressed up as a sheep, his whiskers will inevitably pop out.
When the dumb fox senses something’s “just not right” with a man’s character, she does not bring it to his attention. The only conversation the dumb fox has is between her two ears. As President Lyndon B. Johnson said, “You’ve got to know when to keep your mouth shut.”
When you tell someone who may be manipulating you what you observe, he will immediately try to talk you out of it. He’ll say, “You’re insecure” or “You’re prejudging me.” Are you prejudging him? You had better be. The only mistake is letting him know it.
The dumb fox is self reliant.
She judges people by her own experiences. The dumb fox takes better care of herself and makes better choices because she lets time elapse and she watches to see how the man behaves. She trusts her observations and she trusts her animal instincts.
No hunted animal gives the “benefit of the doubt.” The fox senses danger and hightails it out of there. Never be around a person who has shown you he is a hurtful person. If he does this by accident, that’s one thing. But if he’s hurtful on purpose? Game over. You’ve learned everything you need to know.
In the beginning, have fun and go out… but keep your cards close to your vest. Most important, take your time. This will not only make you smart as a fox, it will help you keep your independence.
The nice girl loses an important protective mechanism when she assumes that life is fair, or that Prince Charming will always protect her. The smart fox is not governed by wishful thinking or the hope of a fantasy outcome, like Cinderella. Despite appearances, she trusts herself to watch her own back instead of giving a man the responsibility of doing it for her.
It’s what every animal in the wild does to survive, so that they don’t become “din din.” Above all, the smart fox understands—and adheres to—the first law of nature: Every animal for herself.
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Wish I'd have read this 10 years a go. or even 5 would do.