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WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
There's no shortage of men who write us off saying we all just want a guy who earns seven figures and has a six pack and a jawline that could cut diamonds, and we'll be lonely old cat ladies forever because of it. Maybe that is what you're looking for in a man and if that's the case, girl, go get it. But High Value is more than that and it's more subjective than that.
High Value means high value to you, personally.
A man who adds value to your life rather than subtracts from it. A banker with a penthouse may look high value on paper, but if your vision of your future is a cottage in the country where you can sit on your porch and watch the sun rise over the mountains, he's not going to bring that value to your life. If your greatest source of joy is travelling- getting overnight trains and waking up in another country, exploring new cities on foot, making friends from all over the world in backpacker hostels- then a successful entrepreneur who can't take much time off work won't be able to share that with you.
This is why it's so important to know yourself, your dreams, your sources of happiness, so you can know if a man will be able to share those with you and add to them, rather than dulling or taking them away completely.
True high value is specific to you so you need to know yourself to know when you encounter it, but there are some qualities that all men who can be considered high value have in common.
1) He needs to be respectful.
That bears repeating, he needs to be respectful. Respectful of your boundaries (sexual and otherwise), your emotions, your time, your dreams, fears, and ambitions. He needs to hold you in the utmost regard and if he doesn't do that, he is not high value. That means no repeated behaviours that make you vaguely uncomfortable or stressed, no off-colour comments about you to friends or relatives, no looking down on your career or personal goals, no teasing or jokes that you have to convince yourself are funny. He should be helping build you up rather than wear you down.
2) He needs to be financially responsible.
Note that I didn't say wealthy, because wealth doesn't mean he'll treat you well and it doesn't necessarily mean you'll have a happy life with him. It also doesn't mean he's financially responsible, there are countless pro athletes who've made millions and gone bankrupt in the space of a few years. Whatever his pay grade, your potential partner should be able to budget and live within his means, pay bills on time, save for the future and not take on unnecessary debt.
Mortgages (and student loans if you're American) are difficult to avoid unless you're the 1% and fine as long as they're being paid off on schedule, but he shouldn't be racking up credit card debt, overdrafts, or small loans for things he could have just saved up for. He should also have no problem with you earning and having your own money (this goes back to respect) and I strongly advise against ever becoming totally financially dependent on a man. On the subject of money, he should also have no problem with you earning more than him.
3) He should be attractive by your standards.
Again, maybe you want a dude who looks like life breathed into an ancient Greek sculpture of the perfect male form, there's nothing wrong with wanting that. But maybe you like slim guys rather than shredded, maybe you like stubble, or a lot of tattoos, or softer facial features. Being over 6' tall gets memed but I don't like men who are too much taller than me, it's inconvenient. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there's no one way for a person to be attractive. But he should be attractive to you, don't try to force yourself to be into someone just because you feel like you should give them a chance.
Saynad's comment: I like my man strong and scary-looking. ผ(•̀_•́ผ)
Your partner should genuinely make you happy.
You shouldn't feel like you're giving up your dreams or selling yourself short to be with him, or hope that the work you're putting into the relationship now will pay off some unspecified date in the future. He should be easy to be around, and have a similar vision of the future so you can share your life with him rather than have your life revolve around his.
Whether you want a high-earning career, or to have children and spend a lot of time with them, or sell handcrafts and live out of a van, a man who is high value to you will live those dreams with you and enhance them, not require you to reconsider everything you want so you can fit unobtrusively into his life. And he should always he proud of your successes, supportive of your struggles, and happy for your happiness.
And remember: high value is not a status that's granted early on and then rescinded if he turns out to be a douchebag.
It's easy for a guy with ulterior motives to be on his best behaviour for a few dates, or even months or possibly upwards of a year if he's trying to trap you in a relationship. Some abusers don't really turn on you until after the wedding when they're sure you're stuck.
Vetting is an ongoing process, don't let red flags slide and never be afraid to admit you misjudged someone and walk away, you're never in too deep to decide a relationship isn't working for you.
The handbook posts project.
Anyone who wants to contribute to this project, please puts [Handbook Posts:] in their title so there's a distinction. Also tag @SayNad so that I can find them.