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WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
He Knows, Sis.
This post is long overdue. I notice this insidious pattern of women trying to explain their man's shitty behaviour. We tell ourselves and each other how men are inherently clueless-- like the bumbling dad stereotype on TV.
Many of us have been there with LVM and NVM. Many of us used calm words, polite notes, texts, cards, and heartfelt letters to express our feelings when they did something to hurt us. When that didn't work, a lot of us begged, "nagged," cried (genuine) tears, sobbed, fallen into depression, and dragged them to couple's counseling. Some of us enlisted a mutual friend or family member to "see our side" and validate we weren't "crazy."
Many of us thought, "if he *saw* how much this is hurting me, he can change. Maybe if I use the perfect script, the most tactful words, the most market-friendly vocabulary in just the right tone of voice, he will get a stroke of insight and understand."
Guess what-- your LVM/NVM *knew* he was hurting you. He knew exactly what he was doing and did not care. Your pain was obvious and they literally could not be arsed to put in basic effort to treat you with respect.
We have had men view us as caricatures rather than human beings. We have had them tune us out as we spoke to them, half-listen to us, or respond with something completely tone deaf because they have a distorted view of us. Men are excellent at playing dumb when they want to. It's a trope as old as time. "Me dumb man."
Sorry lurkers, the jig is up. Queens, when he hurts you, he knows he is hurting you, and will not change. When he sees your brow furrow, and shoulders tensed up to your ears, he knows. When he sees you huff a bit as you calmly, politely, yet unhappily ask him to do the thing he promised/treat you decently/stop disrespecting you. When you shed a pretty tear, he knows. When you "ugly-cry" and your face turns red with leaking, swollen eyelids and snot dripping down your nose, he knows.
He knows a text everyday could make you really happy. He knows you want to take a day trip or weekend with him. He knows you wish he would compliment you more. He knows it bothers you when he gets off on porn then shrugs when you show up to bed in new lingerie. He knows you want to get married someday. Unless if course, he tuned you out. 🤦🏼♀️
Don't even bother psychoanalyzing him. Even if you are a mental health specialist, it's above your pay grade. Why? First, it's unpaid labor. Second, he will not change nor appreciate your efforts. Third, why does the exact mechanism of the poison matter when this person is simply toxic for your physical, mental, and spiritual well-being?
If you must do research, you can read Why Does He DO That? By Lundy Bancroft, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, and Chump Lady. The answer is stunningly simple: a messed up attitude. That's right. Your NVM/LVM justifies, rationalizes, and uses entitlement to gain control/perks. Maybe he views you as an extension of himself. Maybe you are working under a model of cooperation and wonder why you two keep having "miscommunications." Sis, he hears you but is viewing you through the warped lens of "every interaction is a fight and I must win." There is no "we" for him, only "me."
Can he change? Theoretically, a small chance exists he can, like any human being. Is it likely? Not at all. People only change when they want to, or if there is a fire under their asses. Even with consequences, many try the same behavior repeatedly, or with different strategies to be sneakier about it. Small habits and behaviors can be learned relatively quickly in 90 days, but revamping an entire values system? Unlearning misogyny and patriarchal "ideals?" Switching to a better friend group? Learning to wash himself/do basic household task? Breaking the cycle of treating partners like shit? We're talking years of intense therapy plus homework plus sustained effort. What are the chances your Nigel will actually do that for you when he already treats you with less care and attention than rubbish?
Sis, he KNOWS what he does hurts you. And he keeps doing it anyway, which means he doesn't care about your happiness or his character enough to change.
If you're reading this and thinking, "no, my man really is that ignorant! I must teach him," really sis? Do you really want to be attached to a manchild for the rest of your life? Do you want someone you cannot call for in an emergency? Someone who will leave you to do all the adulting? Someone who is perfectly physically/mentally capable of running to the pharmacy for a box of sanitary pads but won't because he is obsessed with his new Xbox Live game? Or maybe he said "nah that's gross." The rewards are stellar, as he will relinquish all the drudge work to you, barely make an effort, and maybe make a minuscule change!
If you don't believe me, there is evidence. This source indicates how men can read soft nos and body language: https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/
Dr. George K. Simon, when discussing character disorders, states:
They already see but they just disagree. A little rhyming phrase I use a lot. I can’t say it enough! Therapists make the same mistake! And they’ll change only when the cost of their behavior rises too high, the benefits of doing something different becomes more clear, that’s when they’ll change. It’s not that people can’t or won’t change. It’s under what circumstances they’ll be motivated to change. What you need to do if you’re in a relationship with someone like this is set those limits and enforce those boundaries! You must set the terms of engagement!
https://www.chumplady.com/2012/06/an-interview-with-dr-george-simon-on-character-disturbance/
Ladies, take the good doctor's advice. Set the terms of engagement by safely high-tailing it at the first whiff of disrespect, carelessness, or feigned cluelessness.
Don't you deserve better than a man who neglects you, actively harms you, or (in the words of Captain Awkward) keeps stepping on your foot and making comforting reassurance noises when you ask him to stop? Who makes you feel responsible for his bad behavior? Get yourself one of these AT MINIMUM or stay single: Common courtesy things your bf should be doing
Tl;dr: Men are not stupid, ignorant, or helpless. But they can be exploitative and great at acting. He understandsvyou hurt and will not change. Even if he were that clueless, do you really want a man-child, sis?
The handbook posts project.
💯 “They already see, they just disagree.” Entitlement to treat a woman any type of way, and do the bare minimum to keep his supply of W.I.F.E. = Washing. Intercourse. Feeding. Errands 🤡 Never give wifey benefits on a situationship or forever girlfriend's salary.
This is the same with anyone you meet. No one is awful to you without meaning it.
"Sis, he KNOWS what he does hurts you. And he keeps doing it anyway, which means he doesn't care about your happiness or his character enough to change."
Yes!