Handbook Posts: Debunking Male Reasoning and Why Casual Sex is Not Worth It

WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.

Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.

When I have discussions with guys on perspectives on dating and sex, they often use very similar lines of reasoning to try to convince me why casual sex in the form of hookups/FWBs/fuck buddies is “not a bad thing” and why guys should not be chastised for wanting it.

I’m writing this to debunk those beliefs to myself, why it is not worthwhile, quoting these guys’ own reasoning. When I was younger in college and heard these words, I felt confused, swayed, and very unsure about my self-value and personal beliefs. "Maybe guys have their own reasoning. But why do I still feel so uncomfortable and unsettled?" It took me lots of time spent following FDS to re-educate myself. I've been in FDS for a while now, but I think it's still important to reiterate in bullet points.

The debunking in this post is NOT meant to be used to argue with scrotes. Never try to argue with them. You block and delete them the moment they spurt out these lines. This post is meant to be a reminder to rewire your thinking for your own well-being.

Personally, casual encounters have never cut it for me. I've always wanted stable, healthy, and respectful commitment, as well as the sex and emotional connection that comes with it. So I'm writing this from that perspective.

1.“I can find a girl attractive and interesting and want to sleep with her. I don’t necessarily need or want feelings and commitment with her.” Well, of course, it’s a sweet deal to you because you pay $1 and get a deal worth $100. Wow why are you so smart my scrote! You are benefiting from her physical looks, sex, conversations, company, time, and effort while you don’t have to give anything in return.

→ FDS Moral of the story: Stay away from this. He blatantly claims that you will not get a full package from him and you are "cool enough to fuck" but that's about it. When you get involved, it's very detrimental to your sanity once you've internalized self-blaming, such as "Why am I not good enough? Is it my fault that I'm not seen as date material?", which can take years to unlearn. Especially dangerous when you are young and don't have much life experience nor a solid sense of judgment yet in order to distinguish between which is acceptable treatment from the other sex and which is not.

Between Guy A who gives you respectful attention & shared interests & feelings & dedicated sex & nice paid dinners at proper restaurants & beautiful holidays & family meetings & a ring,

and Guy B who gives you worthless flirty remarks & bantering fluff & cheap takeout pizza at 2 am & no Uber ride home after dry sex where he refused to go down on you,

which one would you pick?

2. “I’m in a confusing place in life and I’m not mentally ready for a relationship. It’s just my circumstances.” - A lot of the times it’s just a bullshit excuse to blame on “circumstances”. It’s your own issue for lacking the emotional maturity, self-responsibility, financial stability, career, life direction, or whatever that prevents you from wanting commitment. If only pumping and dumping someone also required as much “readiness”! Stop using it as an excuse to guilt-trip a person, especially someone who wants a relationship, into casual sex like you.

→ Spend your time on cultivating what you love doing in your own life, not some scrote's life. You are a capable woman, in control of your own looks, career, hobbies, standards, and dreams. Don’t try to be a Barbara the Builder to help the guy get out of that “confusing place in life”. Even if you manage to rope him into having a relationship with you, he won't give it 100%. Why settle when you can improve yourself and get a much better deal elsewhere? Either get a full package guy that has no issue expressing and acting that he wants to be with you and makes you really happy, or say “Nah fuck off. I can do much better than this”.

3. “Casual sex is fun for both sides. Girls want it too. Wanting casual sex does not make someone a worse person." - You don’t give anything worthwhile aside from a community dick. Girls who want it tend to be pickmeishas who bend over backward, have a thirst for male attention, or are just lonely and deprived of quality romantic and/or platonic relationships in life. They accept bad and unsatisfying sex where they can’t even get off because they don’t know what the real deal (loving sex + emotional assurance) looks like.

→ Ask yourself if the half-assed sex and the crappy hot-and-cold treatment you’ve got has EVER been worth it. For me personally, it's empty, degrading, hurtful, and disheartening. Recall the difference when you had great sex and a meaningful connection. If you haven’t had any meaningful encounter in your life, it might be a little hard to imagine, but take my word for it that sex with LVMs will destroy your self-esteem and leave you at a lower place than before.

4. “Not all girls are quality and have 100 great suitors waiting for them. Do they deserve a relationship themselves?” - Whether a girl is flawed or not is not your business. Who the heck do you think you are to shame her? Preying on her bad past experiences, personal flaws, lack of good dating options in her city, etc. reflects how depraved you are, scrote. Even if a girl is flawed, it doesn’t automatically qualify her as a fleshlight at your beck and call that bows down to your first "u up" text and half-assed sex.

→ Do not ever entertain LVMs, even when you think you haven’t mastered your goal of becoming a queen yet. They will pull you down to their level. You might think even just casual texting or hanging out with no expectations with them doesn’t hurt. But the ramifications of this behavior on you are subtle. It will subconsciously trip you into thinking that HVMs really don’t exist and you gotta settle with LVMs.

ETA:

5. "Come on, we are 2 adults who are attracted to each other. What's wrong with my desire to be intimate with you by all means?" - Very common trap. No, we are not 2 equally in power adults. I am a woman and casual sex harms me more. I am more susceptible to STDs. I can get pregnant even though we use protection. Chances are never 0. If my photos/videos are taken during sex, nothing happens to men but I am at the edge of the cliff. I can face isolation, trauma, and victim shame and my life can turn upside down just because I trusted the wrong person and slept with him. My future really depends on how well I protect my womb. I may get pregnant and want to keep the baby because of hormones or my own decision at that moment, but you haven't proved yourself to be a good father. I may be chained to you for the rest of my life because we are co-parenting. Also, my hormones will go crazy after sex and I will start getting attached and emotional. This will make me blindly fall for you without enough vetting. I haven't even mentioned possible rape attempts and sexual assaults during being intimate. For example, you may force me to have anal sex even though I said no. (from u/secularwitch)

→ Educate yourself on how much casual sex can put your health, emotions, and future at risk. I would like to add more on the consequences of unrequited feelings to LVMs. Investing in men who have not been vetted carefully can take a heavy toll on your well-being from so many hours of crying to your girlfriends, posting dead-end questions on relationship subs, and wondering why he can just dispose of you like trash after physical intimacy. It robs you of hours and hours from your life, your mental peace, your self-esteem, and confidence. His desire is "wrong" because he is using you, plain and simple.

6. "We've been going on 3/ 5/ 10/ X dates (or spent time for quite a while together) already. It's just natural that we proceed to the next step of getting a bit more intimate, you know?" - Classic example of the sublime male logic: Women are vending machines where I put coins in and sex will fall out. I have bought you 3 dinners so it’s time for me to reap my returns. Good job scrote for trying to play into the people-pleasing mentality that women have been brainwashed into since forever.

→ Always continue to vet men throughout the dating process. Stick to the 90 days rule of FDS before putting out sex too early. They haven't earned your trust yet. Do not feel indebted to them. You play by your own rules, not some arbitrary timeline a dude sets to pressure you.

Do not immediately assume commitment after an X number of dates and tie yourself down to him. Until he spells out the suggestion of going exclusive, you are only casually dating and this also counts as casual sex. LVMs would say that they treat a girl with the same respect even if they have sex early, but if it were the case degrading slurs like “sluts” who are “easy and free” would not exist.

7. "It's honestly no big deal if a girl decides she wants sex on a first date. It doesn't change how I view her and my respect to her. Couples who hooked up on the first date exist." - If I don't have sex with you on the very first date, then I must be using you for a free meal, but if I've slept with more than 5 guys, I'm a sl*t. So which is it, scrotes? Am I supposed to sleep with every guy that spends a dime on me, or do you want women with minimal previous partners? (from u/relationship_reddit)

→ Same lesson as #6. Don't be impatient and jump ahead in the process regardless of how attracted you are to a man. Scrotes can totally lie to you and say that they "don't respect you less" even after sex, but think about that dirty feeling and awkward air the next morning. They don't respect you, and you also lose respect for yourself and you will continue to feel humiliated and blame yourself the whole way home. No more. The odds of a guy turning HVM just because you offer sex are very slim. How many healthy relationships were born from cheap hookups in reality?

Thanks for reading! Looking forward to having you ladies comment and contribute to the list!

SayNad's comment:

All of you are adults and can damn well make your own choices -- FDS has no say in what you decide for yourself. But try once in a while to be brutally, and humbly HONEST with yourself -- because y'all know deep down what the TRUTH is.

You KNOW. You gotta look deep inside and face the very thing you have been trying to run away from -- it is going to be the most uncomfortable, painful thing you have ever done with yourself -- but maybe that's exactly what you need to do.

You KNOW.

The handbook posts project.