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WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
How to Avoid Getting Pavlov'ed via Technology
I've been trying to find a way to write this one out because I feel like it should seem obvious at first, but it definitely wasn't for me until I found FDS and left a NVM. This applies to everyone who uses text messaging or social media, but even more so for the Gen Z'ers on here who basically grew up with phones. So here it goes:
LV/NVM will absolutely try to get you hooked via technology.
To elaborate: A lot of social predators and f*ckboys, in general, use social media as their playground. They're trolling women on one app, swiping right on another, all the while texting a few of their real-life supply. If you happen to date one of these guys, they will try to condition you to depend on them emotionally. What do I mean by this? Let me give you some real-life examples:
LV/NVM (especially the narcissists) know how to manipulate women.
They've probably studied psychology, and they know that if they can get you to associate them with something positive (pictures from Snapchat, good morning messages, shared memes), they can hook you. All they have to do is send you a bunch of nice, thoughtful texts for the first couple of weeks during the love-bombing phase, and soon you're hearing that notification bell and your brain starts thinking of them, releasing that dopamine hit and associating the sound with their suffocating attention. It's weird, but our minds are like that.
They'll do most of their "getting to know you" via phone.
They don't call you, or set up a proper date to really talk. Why? Because that would take too much time. They want to hook you (and several other women) as soon as possible. They don't want to go on a dozen first dates and go through the talking stage over a paid meal every time. They don't want to invest the energy. So what better way of circumventing this issue than involving you in a three-hour texting exchange about your childhood? Now you're emotionally invested and he hasn't even left his bed yet. Next!
Many LVM want to accrue social media capital via their follower list.
They like having women follow them, especially beautiful, HVW. If they can get you and multiple other women in their social media sphere, it makes it that much easier to engage you in conversation (and, ultimately, a relationship). It's also helpful in compartmentalizing: they have you in real life, and then all of their "sides" in their DMs. This type of guy will triangulate you with his female followers, and the hot and cold behavior will get you emotionally addicted. Block him!!!
This one is the worst, but it works so well when you think about it: the little "read" or "opened" notification that never. gets. answered.
Yeah, we've all been there. Isn't it infuriating? Once you're past the obsessive stage, they'll start dropping off the face of the earth every now and again. This serves two purposes: first, it deprives you of that attention they taught you to crave at the beginning with all of the social media interactions. Second, it tells you a not-so-subtle message: I can't even be bothered to reply to you. Aren't you wondering what I'm doing right now? Aren't you starting to question and degrade yourself?
And on and on it goes...
So, how do we deal with these tactics? A few simple steps:
1) Set boundaries.
From the moment a guy asks for your number, you must set rules (with him and yourself). For example: "I would prefer that you message me before six pm. I am unavailable after that time," or: "I don't like using Snapchat. I would rather you contact me via text or Facetime me." If he constantly violates these rules, drop him. He doesn't respect you enough to listen.
2) Limit/edit your social media + phone use.
This doesn't mean you have to completely throw your phone away, but do small things like removing Instagram notifications, or putting him on "mute" while you work/engage in hobbies/socialize with friends. This way you put the focus back on yourself, and only interact with him when it's convenient for you. Not him. You are not a man's emergency hotline; you should not be available at all hours of the day.
3) Back away from social media lovebombers.
If you've known this guy for twenty-four hours and he's already sending you multiple snaps a day and requesting you on your social media accounts without even talking to you in real life, distance yourself from the relationship. Guys like this jump from one woman to the next. In six to nine months, one of you will be blocked on the other's phone and he'll be spam-liking posts of Instagram models. Trust me on this one.
4) Turn off your notification sound for Instagram/Snapchat/DMs.
Prevent your brain from getting addicted to the little "hits" of attention.
5) The minute he ghosts you, block him.
I don't care if he's a six-foot-four-millionaire-genius. If he's disrespectful or manipulates you via technology... who's to say he won't do it in real life, too? Let that man goooo.
Have a lovely day, queens. 👑
(SayNad's comment: Social media isn't real. The whole damn internet isn't real. People have personas online, I have multiple personas online. Don't believe any of it ladies, be smart)
The handbook posts project.
Anyone who wants to contribute to this project, please puts [Handbook Posts:] in their title so there's a distinction. Also tag @SayNad so that I can find them.
related to the "getting to know you via phone" part--watch out for dudes on OLD that try to get you off the app or website ASAP. I used to think it was sign of interest...it's not. It's an easier way for them to be inappropriate without you being able to report them and/or stick their nose in your life any time they want without having earned their place first.
They can stay on the app until they've scheduled a date or proved themselves as worthy of having your phone number or social media. If you immediately give a guy your number you're just getting added to his digital harem, he's not asking you out 99% of the time.