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Already posted by @Noemie Mathilde here: Handbook posts: A recipe for good Dating
I am posting this for myself because I have difficulty reading packed letters with white background.
WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
Apologies for the title that makes this sounds like a crock pot recipe...! I have been creating a mental list of practical tips that work really well for me, and I want to share. I just saw a post requesting this information, and I started writing one of my long comments so I thought, no, this needs to be talked about in its own right! This is not a cheat code, you have to really have the standards if you want to signal them. Please add yours too.
Obligatory caveat/ reminder:
You already know you have to be in the company of an HVM in the first place.
No amount of standard-signaling is going to change who's sitting across the table from you. Do not try to train an LVM. Some of these tips work as small tests to establish a man's disposition.
Essentially, for me it's mainly about spotting opportunities for him to demonstrate his true nature, and hanging back to see what he does.
The point of showing your standards is to demonstrate your worth, not to teach him how to be your man. It also forms an important part of getting to know each other, personal preferences, habits, little cute quirks, etc.
Secondary caveat/ reminder:
Know your standards and your personal style.
For me, some of the standards I look for in a man are manners, chivalry, thoughtfulness, financial security, generosity both material and emotional, gentlemanliness, intelligence, initiative, and being observant.
My personal style is ladylike elegance. There's no point expecting a man to treat me like a queen, if I'm not one. Lead by example and be honest with yourself about your standards and style. Live up to your own image of yourself before you try to find a man who you'll be compatible with.
Of all the practical tips I'm about to list, I would say there are two key aspects:
The first is pace. Slow your pace down a little bit to create opportunities for him to demonstrate his true nature. Don’t rush to fill the gaps.
The second is the power of being indirect. This avoids coming across as brash or spoiled. If you are a high value woman, you have manners and tact!
ACTUAL PRACTICAL THINGS YOU CAN DO ON YOUR NEXT DATE - PICK/ CHOOSE/ ADAPT ACCORDING TO YOUR STANDARDS AND YOUR STYLE:
1) When approaching doors or chairs;
Have both your hands softly clasped on your handbag etc and slow your pace. Mind your posture, very important here. This just gives him a couple of seconds to get in there and open the door/ pull out the chair, if he’s going to.
If he doesn’t, your hesitation gently signals that you were expecting him to, and if he notices and cares he will do it next time. You can’t be stuffy about doors, sometimes it’s just awkward for him to open them. I generally find 50% or more success rate is quite acceptable.
2) When you ask for your coat;
Instead of taking it from him, give a little smile of thanks, and turn around and put out your arms (behind you, not out to the sides - you're not a 4 year old). He should help you find the armholes then ease the coat up a bit and then you take it from there.
3) When you’re in the passenger seat of his car;
(Obviously this is further down the line!!!), or you are in a taxi and you’re about to get out: wait until the car has stopped and then spend a few seconds straightening yourself out or fussing with your handbag. He might hop round and open your door in this time, and if he does, a brief but beautiful smile looking upward toward him will have him floating on a cloud, and he’ll make sure to do it always.
One day - months down the line - tell him that it was something you first noticed in the early stages with him, and that you appreciated it. An HVM will try to build on this and keep finding more nice things to do.
4) In a restaurant;
If something is wrong, for example you need another napkin or whatever, always tell him, before you tell the waiter. This gives him the chance to fix it for you by calling he waiter and requesting what you need.
If he does this discreetly and smoothly, this is a good sign and believe me, you can get used to this kind of respect.
It’s bloody lovely and it permeates through your relationship. As you build on this, there is eventually a subtext that you think highly enough of him to allow him to do things for you, even though you are perfectly capable of doing it yourself.
5) When the bill comes;
You don’t even notice it.
When your glass is empty you don’t notice. If he’s going to take care of it, sometimes he needs time to notice, or for you both to finish a part of a conversation. Try to avoid topping up your own water/ wine glass.
If it goes on too long and you're thirsty, try to wait until you are the one telling an interesting story, pause, and say, hold on, I need a drink. Slow it all down and refill your glass. Choose the water not the wine if both are available. Take a drink in the spotlight and then resume your story.
HVM should notice that he could have prevented that interruption by being proactive sooner.
Always thank him after he's paid the bill, not as part of an umbrella 'thanks for a good time end of date' thanks. It's part of the fun. Don't say 'thank you for paying'. Either just say 'thank you' or 'thank you, the food was lovely'.
I.e. it's not about the money it's about the experience. Make eye contact, it's a nice moment that acknowledges this is a potentially romantic situation, not just friends grabbing a bite. He should enjoy it too.
6) If you have jewelry that you received from someone you love;
And you like it, wear it on a date. If he comments, just say ‘thank you, it was a present’ and move on. If you have nice jewelry that you bought yourself, say 'thank you, I bought this to celebrate X' (tell the truth).
Doing all of the above signals it's not costume jewelry, it's of value, and/ or sentiment. No harm in costume jewelry - as a reminder I'm just talking from my personal style.
You can alter it to suit you and your tastes. It could be that you're wearing a treasured band t shirt in which case say 'thanks I got this at the gig at X'. It could be your sense of humor in which case say 'thanks I think it's really important to see the funny side of life' Basically, use certain compliments to amplify certain messages.
7) In conversation;
Get used to pauses.
If you're smart, sparkly, and witty, it's easy to fall into the habit of filling the gaps. But that's not what you're there for. Wait and see what he does. Don't make it awkward, obviously!
But if it IS truly awkward, you can lean into that if you feel it's right. Use your judgement and be ready to ask an interesting question or make an observation at the right time. Just watch that you're not carrying it.
The pause is a power move in many contexts, and being comfortable with them demonstrates many high value traits in you eg confidence, expectation, strength, calmness.
8) Stick to YOUR rule
If you said you need to leave by a certain time/ can only have one course/ drink/ whatever limitation you set at the beginning of the date, you have to stick to it. This shows you mean what you say and he can be as charming as he likes, he isn't changing your plans.
9) Demonstrating standards
Indirect examples and observations are incredibly valuable in demonstrating your standards.
For example 'I went to the ballet the other week. I loved the experience, but I was a little disappointed to see so many people wearing jeans. Personally I love an excuse to put on a nice dress, it's part of what makes it special.'
Or whatever matters to you. It's just a template. Don't do solely negative comparisons, also talk about behaviors that you noticed or that your friends/ family exhibit, that you value. This one really is all down to you and your style.
Finally - only do this as part of conversation, don't go out of your way to say this stuff just for the effect.
10) Don't be a snob
Don't put other people down, but do call upon all your experiences in life to convey what you do and don't like.
The handbook posts project.
Anyone who wants to contribute to this project, please puts [Handbook Posts:] in their title so there's a distinction. Also tag @SayNad so that I can find them.