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WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
8 types of LVM from How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
This is a summary of How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved. This is not an exhaustive list of dangerous men, and the types are not mutually exclusive, but it gives good examples of men who add a negative value to your life.
I also took notes on what type of women these men prefer according to the author. I don't think it needs to be an exact match, but it can be helpful. At the end of the day, dangerous men will go for any woman that works for them.
1- The clinger
Needs you so much he can't stand to be without you.
Guilts you into being with him and changing your plans for him.
Threatens to kill himself or "never date again" if you leave him.
Evokes pity from you to keep you in a relationship with him.
You try to boost him up so you can leave, but his self-esteem never gets better.
When you do what he asks, he stabilizes a bit, but then he needs even more.
How to spot him:
He is meek and mild.
He is socially awkward.
He has few friends and hobbies.
He doesn't seek promotions at work (people who started working after him are already past him or gone).
Who is at risk:
He seeks women who were recently hurt in a relationship because his victim-mentality makes him relate to them and because they are more likely to want to avoid hurting him.
He seeks sensitive women who don't want to be seen as rejecting or critical.
Women who "don't want to hurt his feelings".
Note: According to the book, a clinger has avoidant personality disorder, so that makes him also the fifth type of dangerous man, the mentally ill man. He might have additional mental disorders too, none of this is mutually exclusive!
2- The parental seeker
"My husband is my fourth child."
Needs directives to do things.
Wants you to make decisions for his life.
You have a power dynamic where he expects you to nudge him into doing things and he initially resists and you need to reassure him that it will be okay.
You worry about what will happen to him if you leave.
How to spot him:
He is "a kid at heart".
He has few friends and interests.
He doesn't help you do chores.
He stays in bed when he has the flu and wants you to pamper him.
Who is at risk:
Women who are nurturing.
Women who have "mommy issues".
Mothers.
Women who are controlling.
3- The unavailable man
He is either dating someone else OR he is so invested in his career/hobbies that he doesn't seriously consider a relationship.
How to spot him:
He initially seems like a well-rounded individual because of his hobbies.
He tells you his marriage is "on the rocks" or he is "just looking for fun".
He only talks about himself.
He sleeps around (his relationships stay shallow).
Who is at risk:
Women who have low self-esteem.
Women who have "daddy issues".
Women who are also emotionally unavailable.
Note: I think the uncomplicated unavailable man is the "fuckboi" who just doesn't seriously consider settling down with you, but there can be something else keeping him unavailable, like his addictions (type 6) or his secrets (type 4).
4- The man with the hidden life
He doesn't feel obligated to share the details of his life with you or others so he keeps some parts of his life to himself and sees nothing wrong with doing that.
At worst, he's hiding something dangerous.
Once he is done with you, he might disappear without a trace.
How to spot him:
He is "a private person".
He refuses to answer questions about his job, his past, his education, etc.
He has "started over".
Who is at risk:
Women who are trusting and don't want to seem impolite by not trusting him.
Women who are distracted.
Women who date casually.
5- The mentally ill man
He has a mental illness.
Examples from the book:
Bipolar man gets depressive when she tries to leave and tells her "if I lose you, then my life is nothing".
PTSD man has her life revolve around managing his stressors.
Borderline man is cold and distant one day, overly attached the next.
OCD man tells her about his fantasies involving her.
Who is at risk:
Women who work in caretaking.
Women who are tolerant and will be willing to look past abnormal behavior.
Women who like thrills (with a bipolar man).
Mentally ill women.
6- The addict
He is addicted to something: drugs, porn, sex, gambling, work, perfectionism, thrills, chaos, drama.
How to spot him:
He lies so he can use.
He promises to quit.
He is "X years sober".
Who is at risk:
Addicts.
Women who grew up around addicts.
Women who minimize their own needs.
Abuse victims who find the feeling of not having their needs met familiar.
7- The violent man
He uses physical, verbal, emotional or sexual violence against you.
How to spot him:
He is angry a lot.
He punches or kicks objects.
He gets into physical fights.
He likes violent movies.
Who is at risk:
Women who believe him when he says it's her fault, she deserves it, he had no choice, he didn't mean it, he will change, etc.
Women who can be bought by gifts.
Women with low self-esteem.
Women who have already dated abusive men (they are already "trained").
Note: The chapter lists other types of violence, but this really paints the portrait of a "wife-beater". He has "a short fuse" and the battered wife thinks he can change. He might only be violent when drunk (type 6) or has a mental illness (type 5).
8- The predator
He either wants to use you for something (money, sex, validation, purpose) OR WORSE, he wants to sexually abuse your kids.
How to spot him:
He listens more than he talks.
He shares your interests.
He wants to help you, or maybe he's the one who needs your help, or he's very charming and he "gets you" like no one else - he has some angle.
He sticks around after you turn him down under the guise of a "concerned friend".
If he is targeting your children, he might be a youth leader, pastor, coach, etc.
Who is at risk:
Vulnerable, needy, lonely women.
Naïve women who think everyone is good.
Women who were taught to "give everyone a chance", "play with the less fortunate" and "see the best in everyone" (ex: women who correspond with prisoners).
Note: He is similar to the clinger (type 1) as they both manipulate vulnerable women, but the clinger doesn't attract women as easily so he's inexperienced and clingy, whereas the predator attracts women easily so he isn't needy.
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