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WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
Early warning signs he’s low value when dating
1. He reveals sob stories too fast
This is a very common low value male tactic that can be easily overlooked and taken as a positive sign he’s ‘opening up' and being more vulnerable or emotionally intimate with you. You might innocently assume this means his guard has come down and you’re getting somewhere deeper, like his layers are peeling off. Don’t worry sis - we’ve all been there😳.
But don’t give these men the benefit of the doubt- I have regretted it enough times to see this is a distinct pattern amongst low value men in disguise. Please keep in mind manipulative types usually lure you in with some sob story where they are the victim- but over time they will often reveal themselves as trailblazing hypocrites and you will view that story in a whole new light. Plus most times you’re never going to meet said perpetrator to verify his side of the story. It costs nothing for him to make it up on the spot to fool you. Nothing .
If a guy is selling you an emotionally charged sob story quick in the early stages of dating- stay cautious as an empathetic woman because every low value manipulator I have encountered sold me a sob story fast and the HVM I encountered didn’t do such a thing until at least several months in- almost like they were sticking around for the longhaul and didn’t find it appropriate yet🤔.
Ask yourself why a man would reveal such sensitive info so fast given how awkward men are with being vulnerable? What is his intention to tell you this without knowing you very well? Often, its to get you to reveal your own weakspots quick & to forge an emotional connection fast without dedicating a lot of time or effort. Usually the sob story is about how his crazy ex hurt him or ‘cheated’ or ‘abandoned him for no good reason’ thus giving him ‘trust issues’ with the opposite sex that gives him an excuse to stall and mess you around.
He is trying to get under your skin & gear you into emotional slavery- make you warm to him before you’re flooded with red flags and find out why she left. He will say this because he knows it appeals to your empathy as a woman - we are pretty responsive to emotional trauma and have been socialised to sympathise and nurture people, especially during vulnerable confessions. Its almost like a kneejerk response. And we definitely relate to trust issues from cheating.
But he's a man and he knows this is women's universal soft spot- a LVM doesn't view empathy like you- he sees it as a weakspot to manipulate to his gain- like an open window for a burglar. Its a discreet way to get into your heart & toy with your emotions. He wants to look like the overlooked nice guy who just hasn’t met a good egg like you yet (rolls eyes ). But most likely he’s a low value manipulator out for sex/freebies/free therapy/a maid/ revenge.
Chances are if he’s revealing that fast- he might not be over her and could be seething from rejection still. You do not want to date an LVM in revenge mode- he will string you along just to make you feel ‘what he felt’. So make sure to question how fresh that was and how long it lasted 😳 . There's also a very strong chance he’s lying through his back teeth about how the relationship ended- that he was the cheater or mistreated her or he’s just intolerable.
No man is going to tell you ‘I cheated on my last GF because I’m insecure af’ or ‘I am a pornsick loser addicted to weed who pushes everyone away’. They’re going to sell you a sob story to get your defences down and sympathise with him fast. To make all the other bullshit coming somehow make sense. To make you feel special- like he thinks you’re different and trustworthy- you're worthy of this intimacy. It also gives him the upper hand- it’s now up to you to fall over yourself to prove you’re worthy of commitment he was never going to give you. You’re trying to take things at his tortoise pace to not scare him off.
He could also give you a sob story about his deadbeat father or the broken home he grew up in during childhood which will make him seem high value like he ‘gets it’. They will often later use this as the prime excuse for why they turned out trash (addictions/broke/emotionally unavailable/serial cheat). Sorry to break it to you lurkers: but YOU are responsible for doing better than your parents- NO ONE else.
I have noticed a lot of LVM do this to garner sympathy early on- but they’ll quickly reveal they’re on the same bullshit and have no self reflection whatsoever. They’ll have you take pity on their personal circumstances whilst taking you for the same ride their mother had with LVM. They’ll try to grind your esteem /standards down and lure you into a false marriage or a rocky relationship just like their father did. Don’t assume they connected the dots. Don’t assume most men have that level of self reflection 😂.
Take this information in but wait to observe their behaviour before you swallow it whole and start getting your hopes up. It could well be true and he wants to be better - but there's a much higher chance he’s using it to get your guard down quick- so don’t start telling him about your personal issues or let him in to the deepest depths of your soul yet.
If you do have a slip- just stay suspicious. They will always use these sob stories as the hook with their best sob face to draw you in - stay guarded and observe his behaviour to see if it all lines up. Us women are eager to assume we found a unicorn too quick because we are SO tired of meeting trash. We soooo badly want to meet the unicorn we jump to conclusions, idealising this carefully crafted image of a high value man. But remember there’s way more trash in disguise. LVM are typically very self serving and full of promising worldly BS they can’t live up to. They claim they connect the dots - but they do not.
2. Immature friends
No matter how mature and high value he seems, it says a lot if his friends seem low value. After all he’s the one spending a lot of time going out with these men without you. If they seem childish, obnoxious , uneducated or just generally lame - this is a red flag.
Men are like sheep and want to fit in with their friends- they take WAY more notice of what their friends think of their status and partners. If said friend is a fuckboy and thinks he’s ‘pussy whipped’ already- guess who’s not being faithful to you at the weekend because he wants to retain his fuckboy ‘status’ and not seem like a ‘sellout wuss'. Yes that’s right they will miss out on the opportunity of a high quality match and loving stable family simply because they want to impress their trash immature friends who are not going anywhere and are destined to end up a lonely car crash spat out by 3 baby mothers.
Whilst HVM can keep some old LVM friends at a distance- I'd still be on guard even if he ‘seems’ to shame their behaviour. Watch how he interacts around them- he should be pulling back from any low value friends. He should want to do better. Pay attention to the stories he tells you about these friends and whether he sounds amused.
3. Overbearing mother
PHEWEE. This is such a GLARING red flag you’re in for some dead end bullshit. If his mother is constantly up in his face about his whereabouts like a jealous pickmiesha stay very guarded with your emotions- chances are this is not going anywhere fun. These mothers can quickly get hostile if they think another woman is stealing their precious son away.
They're like a female radar that goes off when they see a threat. If he can’t put his foot down or set boundaries with her without you demanding he does so- he’s a LVM still attached to her breast. She pulls the puppet strings first.
Could indicate a number of things: she knows her son is a shit deep down a knows and it’s futile him pursuing a high value woman seriously right now so she will purposely sabotage to avoid him ending up spat out by an FDS type. Lol she knows her son is garbage and not ready for that yet.
She could also be lonely and possessive which means she’ll constantly guilt trip him about seeing you and constantly install doubts in his head. This will cause you major issues because you’re new and she’s family. It’s a tug of war you will likely never win. And if his mother is overbearing: chances are she let him get away with murder- the sun shines out of his ass at all times, even at night.
You will never be a priority to a grown LVM attached to his mothers hip, just his 2nd mother, no matter how hard you try. You will be expected to go above and beyond her to even stand a chance. Trust me, shes shooing you away for your own benefit. Abort mission!
A HVM * usually *has a strong mother that keeps out of your way- she’ll be welcoming and stay out of your business together - she’s not up in your face like a third wheel when you’re together. Even if she isn’t totally sold she will let him make his own judgements and won’t butt in. She knows it’s his personal life. If his mother is toxic- he’ll stay well away.
A HVM makes his own decisions and doesn’t let his parents dictate his adult choices. Because you’re NOT dating his mother. We all know the fate of mommys boys....they always turn out to be shits.
4. Future faking - moving too fast
This can initially present itself as lovebombing and quickly escalate to future faking territory. He will come on super strong and act like he’s taking you seriously whilst also showing inconsistency and giving you doubts. To offset those fears or any red flags he may wine and dine you at nice restaurants, introduce you to friends and parents very fast or bring up marriage a indicators and of longterm investment.. but he has no intention to deliver. It will all seem like a whirlwind romance- but that's just what lovebombing feels like- like a drug rush.
Think seriously, would a high value man escalate this fast without knowing you well first? This keeps you off balance and half in half out...and he will likely start to withdraw as he realises what he got himself into. He’s doing it to shut you up from asking ‘what are we?’ every 2weeks -the faster he does it the more ‘safe’ you feel to invest-but they’re all futile gestures if he isn’t laying down his commitment and giving you ZERO doubt.
He can still do all that and breadcrumb you attention. He may also pretend he’s dying to have a baby to you if he’s especially low value and desperate to trap a HVW down - don’t give into the googaga talk when he barely knows you..he might just want an excuse to get a live in maid (car crash men mention babies VERY quick- they 'assume' its what you want to hear).
He is doing all this so you don’t go anywhere and remain attached enough to ignore other options. To make you think it has potential. LVM will do this with HVW especially because they know you hold them to higher standards to stick around. He will skirt around actual commitment /exclusivity whilst hinting at a future together. If you address red flags or concerns he will deflect and affirm just how ‘serious’ he is : ‘why would I do XYZ if I didn’t want you?’. You will feel conflicted- exactly what he wants. He may bring up his ‘trust issues’ or ‘broken home fears’ (red flag no1 and 2) again as his excuse for keeping his foot out and spinning plates.
If he hasn’t starting taking up considerable amounts of your time and hasn’t asked you to be his partner: you are still single. He is dangling the forever carrot until he gets bored. He will pump up your esteem, acting like he is curious about you as a person, but will mostly compliment your looks /sex appeal- he is mostly interested in how you make him look 'we'd make pretty babies' 'look at that ass' etc a lot of objectifying. If things are moving too fast- stay alert.
They can easily put you on a pedestal and dethrone you when the lust or novelty wears off and it’s getting all too serious. He may be doing it to keep you hooked as he knows a high value woman is expecting commitment and won’t stay long if it’s not on the cards- it’s a classic case of mirroring what you want to hear and see. You want commitment? Me too (kinda)! If he’s treating you like a potential wifey lovebombing tf out of you but can’t , quite, commit. See yourself out. He doesn't want to be kept. HVM won’t leave you questioning his intentions.
5. Obviously texting or looking at other women
If he’s obviously checking out other women on early dates- you know what he’s about. Ofc people can catch our eye naturally - but there’s a difference between that and his eyes roaming around the room at every breast and ass in sight. He’s probably even doing it to try make you jealous- which clearly won’t work because you’re not blind. It shows a complete lack of manners and respect- no matter if the date went wonderfully. If you can’t keep his attention then - there’s no way he’s going to stay faithful once ‘committed’.
First impressions count and he shouldn’t be giving you doubts or attempting to make you jealous. Also back to the compliments- if they’re always about your looks and not much else you know where his values lie. He isn’t interested in you as a person- just the ego status and novelty from pursuing you, which will soon wear off. His attention span will soon turn to other women with similar features he also finds attractive. To LVM, women are just walking body parts to collect , use and adorn himself with. He's too much of a loose canon to commit- so avoid the heartbreak.
Likewise if he’s texting sidechicks on his apps in plain view of you- he does not give a shit and is not afraid to offend or lose you. If he was in it for the long run he’d want you to trust him. A commitment minded HVM does not want to run the risk of giving you cold feet or losing you- he’s not stupid.
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