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I've just finished reading the FDS handbook and was making notes as I went. Now that i've finished, i've collected up all the main points. Let me know if i've missed anything!
-Have your own full life (keep busy with hobbies, goals, friends, self-care etc)
-Look after and carry yourself well (gym, health, be well groomed, well dressed, respectable, stay grounded, independant)
-Be in your feminine (especially around men)
- Dont chase. Let him lead (he should send the first message and be the one to ask you on a date).
- He must have the basics down (be attractive, have an income, neatly dressed, good hygiene, look after his health, look after his surroundings - be tidy and clean, able to do basic adult things (do his own chores, do his own shopping, go outside) not be mentally unwell)
- Vet him very carefully for a good amount of time. Go with your gut instincts. Dont ignore red flags or anything that doesnt sit right with you.
-Be very aware that he'll be on his best behaviour at first, so whether he's brilliant or terrible, it'll go downhill from there. (Posh restaurant becomes nice pizza place. A walk becomes staying in)
- He must be a genteman (leading but respectful, pay for you, respect your space and what you say, even be a little nervous and keen to impress. Must remember things, open doors)
-Dont be too available (dont message back straight away, don't drop existing plans for him, dont accept last minute plans, dont start revolving around him)
-Dont get into backwards and forwards messaging, be sporadic (three decent messages a day-ish).
-Match his energy and effort level,
then go one notch down. Mirror him.
-Dont become infatuated. Stay grounded. Dont get obsessive or let him take up too much mindspace. It'll only unground you.
- Dont get drunk, or even tipsy, around him as it'll knock you off your game.
- Dont be a "Barb the builder. He should already be as you'd like upon first meeting.
- Dont give unless it's deserved and equal. Make him earn you.
-Use your "relationship virginity" wisely- dont have sex too soon. The time before you have sex is when youre most powerful.
-Set standards for how you want to be treated early.
-If you dont like something, tell him outright and clearly. If you have to tell him more than twice, leave.
-Dont get too familiar. Keep some mystery. (breadcrumb info and affection when its deserved)
- Dont swamp him with info, especially not bad things about yourself. Keep the spotlight on him, keep him talking.
-Occasionally lightly back off + see if he persues.
-Carry yourself in high regard and expect to be treated as such.
-Don't spellout what youre looking for (so he can change to dupe you) Let him play himself out.
-Give him the space to be a man (ask favours + for help, wait for him to open doors etc)
- "If he wanted to, he would"
-Must add value to life-take me to places I can get dressed up for • Pay for things • Help with goals (gym)
-Do you like him? Judge him for you rather than worrying how you seem. Be interview-like.
-If he's no good at the start, it doesnt bode well for the future.
-No scarcity mindset (dont date exclusively until discussion down the line) and dont give of vibe of him being obvious choice. Trigger mate guarding.
-Set standards from the get-go. Cant add them later.
-Men know that, culturally, the ball is a little more in their court when it comes
to leading and paying, so if they really like you, they'll play it safe by adhering
to this.
-"Would he be like this with his dream girl?"
- Go by his actions, not words.
- Be an immovable mover
-Frequently assess what he brings to the table.
-Never too late to leave.
-Always be aware that men are different from women.
So thats it! Can anyone think of anything i'm missing?
Here is a link to the PDF handbook! We need to make this a pinned post on top of the forum. It should not be hard to find for new members.
Well done. And when it says hold off on sex for at least 90 days, we mean 90 days after a commitment, always (official couple status/title, not exclusivity without a title because that is a trap)
Love this. Here are my added notes on a few points:
-Have your own full life (keep busy with hobbies, goals, friends, self-care etc) [fake the hobbies if necessary--gee I am too busy to see you on the weekend, I have a yoga retreat!]
-Look after and carry yourself well (gym, health, be well groomed, well dressed, respectable, stay grounded, independant) [whatever this means to you. You don't have to be a gym bunny, just take reasonable care of self]
-Be in your feminine (especially around men) [I don't really know what this means, other than have a sense of mystery and don't give too much info away]
- Dont chase. Let him lead (he should send the first message and be the one to ask you on a date). [or ask for your number if it is in person. Recommended listening: THIS FDS podcast ep on flirting strategies]
-Be very aware that he'll be on his best behaviour at first, so whether he's brilliant or terrible, it'll go downhill from there. (Posh restaurant becomes nice pizza place. A walk becomes staying in) [no coffee dates! Insist on a proper date and he should pay without being asked!]
-Dont be too available (dont message back straight away, don't drop existing plans for him, dont accept last minute plans, dont start revolving around him) [VERY IMPORTANT]
-Use your "relationship virginity" wisely- dont have sex too soon. The time before you have sex is when youre most powerful. [and don't tell him when you're planning to have sex--the timeline is in YOUR head and kept secret. we recommend waiting at least 3+ months]
- Dont swamp him with info, especially not bad things about yourself. Keep the spotlight on him, keep him talking. [No trauma dumping! Save it for your therapist]
-Don't spellout what youre looking for (so he can change to dupe you) Let him play himself out. [VERY IMPORTANT]
I have the PDS pdf on my laptop. I can send it to anyone who needs it.
can someone explain what these mean?
- Trigger mate guarding.
- Be an immovable mover
Where can we find the handbook ?