Obviously, dating apps are a shitshow and I am working on meeting people irl, but I do occasionally log on, these days mostly out of morbid curiosity. A gripe that I’ve had for a long time is that nine out of ten men who write to me immediately start interrogating me. They go “hello, so what do you do at work” or “what do you do outside work” or “tell me what a typical day looks like for you” etc. It feels like I have to present myself to them, and for a while I did, even though it didn’t feel right. Also note that my job, hobbies and some of my interests are already listed on my profile, but ok, whatever, gotta start the conversation somewhere, right? Wrong. The thing is, men do not know what to do with this information, when I provide it to them. All they can say is “oh, nice, so how do you [..]”? And on and on and on, and we’re both hating it. Why? Because the dynamic is wrong. Many men think they want to “lead” and want to “pick”, but, guess what, it’s not easy and it’s not their nature. Despite the unrelenting efforts of the patriarchy, you can’t override Nature, in which males present themselves and females choose. So, I don’t engage these questions anymore, I turn them around on the male, “you go first”, they happily do, in long paragraphs, and then I evaluate. I’ve done it a couple of times now, in all cases their answers uncovered dealbreakers, and I told them off, “not my vibe, but thank you for the answer and good luck out there”. To date, all have responded in kind. Perhaps, because the dynamic was right.
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The worst is when they ask you if you live alone. They should have the wherewithal not to ask such an intrusive question.
SO BORING. In addition to dangerous, time wasting, and gross, OLD is also SO BORING. I used to make them tell a joke or a say a fun fact. I thought I would at least get something out of it that way but I was wrong there too because most men are SO BORING.
I think it shows a lazy-mindedness too. Like you say, your interests are on your profile already. He could ask a thoughtful question about X interest, or talk about something else. It's not that hard, but too much for these men.
I wonder if they actually have any success at all on these apps? If they do, that's concerning. There are constantly articles about how hard OLD is for men, but they make less than 0 effort for the most part?
I don’t really entertain those questions. My HV SO and I initially met on OLD back when I still had it (I guess I really found my Gucci shoes dumpster diving). He asked me out on a nice dinner immediately within the first 5 exchanges. We FaceTimed before the date so I could vet him. He made sure that there was no hassles on my part.
If I get those questions I reply succinctly. Within 1-2 sentences. These non committal questions before a date render very little of my time and effort. These questions can easily be asked on a first date. You don’t get to know about me before making the time and money investment to take me out. It takes 5 seconds to ask a question but a couple minutes to respond. Not fair on my part. On OLD If the guy does not ask me out within the first 20 exchanges, I walk. I deserve the utmost respect from the very start.
In a lot of cultures it is rude to ask direct questions. Usually it is one person says something, another responds with relevant info and so forth. It took me some time to realize why I got put off by some people. I don't ask direct questions friends I grew up with. You spend more time together that's how you learn about each other.
They are just bad conversationalists and don't want to bother to master this skill.