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It took me until now to finally understand this, mainly because I came from a place of wanting to empathize with other people's pain and feel compassion for whatever they're going through. I'm terrified of rejection; I have social anxiety because of the way society has constantly shamed me for simply existing as a woman.
"No girls allowed" boys have told me in elementary school.
In middle school, I corrected a couple of guys on a math assignment. They had it out for me because "oh she think she's so smart. Yeah I'll show her."
"She's ugly and there's nothing interesting about her" boys have said about me in high school.
Once I graduated high school I got prettier I guess, so I had people who began labeling me as stupid when I first began studying for my STEM degrees. At work, guys thought I was pretty and gave me positive attention---only for them to manipulate and use me sexually. I was so naive. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and rescue myself from those shitbags.
But those were just a few things from an endless list of negative experiences that I have had. So of course when guys began coming out with the thing that they were so afraid of rejection, of course I sympathized with them. My ex was afraid too.
He wasn't afraid to cheat on me though!
Now that I've known about FDS for nearly 2 years, I've been given a new perspective about my place in the world, especially in the dating realm. And yet, I still couldn't get it in my head that "if he wanted to, he would", at least not really.
I kept feeling compassion because of my own struggles with relating to other people. I kept forgiving and sympathizing with guys thinking that he didn't or wouldn't ask me out because he's scared. I should be more approachable! I should keep giving him hints! I should make my intentions absolutely clear!
Wait, but why is he so afraid of being rejected? Beacause rejection hurts? We all feel that though.
When women take a chance to enter relationships, women are more likely to end up victims of domestic abuse, end up victims of sexual assault, are more often cheated on, go through the excruciating pain of pregnancy and labor, are more likely to end up as a single parent, are ghosted just as much, are more likely to end up on a date with a shitty looking dude who hasn't showered in days and expects her to go 50/50. It's humilating when a woman gets rejected by a man because society then deems her unattractive and undesirable... and we all KNOW how much value is put into a woman's "desireability."
I keep forgetting why men are afraid of rejection and expect women to be "approachable" and even, god forbid, make the first move and pursue the man instead?
I suppose it doesn't really matter. Actually, after listing out the reasons above on how women often end up hurt in relationships with men, men absolutely should be terrified of being rejected by women. He absolutely should make the perfect case for why you should date him as opposed to the next guy or as opposed to your own singledom. It's honestly the least they can feel for all the shit they put women through on a daily basis.
If he's scared but still makes the effort to pursue and court you properly, at least that shows some care and authenticity on his part. Maybe that will actually force him to value the relationship more.
I know, I know. Everyone probably knows this but it took me so long to finally understand. My mother still chastises me for scaring guys, but why are they so afraid when I have been victimized at the hands of boys and men throughout my life? Because I might say no to them? Oh well.
Men's rejection hurts because they've been raised their whole life to see themselves as the superior sex. An "inferior" would NEVER say no to them. Well the obvious happens and that's how we get incels
Yeah, this is what I don’t understand about men, is that that they can’t accept the tiniest thing going wrong or any negative reaction but we’re meant to tolerate every criticism and rejection and take it on the chin!
In my younger single days, I always pursued and made the first move and was rejected plenty of times. It honestly was not a big deal. A way worse rejection is giving a man a chance and him using you. Being treated like trash or a piece of meat is absolutely devastating. Men will be fine.
I have always struggled with the empathic side of myself making excuses for my partner. I, too, would make excuses for their behavior because I wasn't perfect either, and if I expect him to accept me as the imperfect human that I am, then I need to accept them for being imperfect. But I forgave and looked past a lot. Naively thinking that men have the same capacity for empathy as I did, and of course he'd take my feelings under consideration! Ha. God how naive I used to be!
One of my favorite analogies from Susan Winter is that you don't see football players out there on the field afraid to get tackled. They know there is a risk to playing the sport, but that's just part of the game. Love and relationships work the same way. Don't play the game if you're afraid to get hurt.
I wished old men were rejected by the woman they want to exploit and suck their youth out of them. I saw a video about a man who is terminally ill he said himself that he never planned on marrying his long time girlfriend until he got sick. So with other words when have no options, their life is shorter than expect they all of the sudden are capable of making decisions that doesn't just revolve around them. If women stop dating older men who can be their father or older then men will use their prime years better and marry young, they would also focus on college better so that they have the money to have a family instead of waiting until his 50's to have heaps of cash and lure a 18 year old in his trap. When you give men options they become assholes, when you take their options away they have no choice but to man up.
When women have options or not they will always make better decisions than men in general.
To a man, a blow to their ego is worse than any negative feelings he makes you feel by being with you (sadness, anger, fear, disgust). To a man, a blow to their ego by a woman is unacceptable. You weren't entitled to hurt his feelings. Gender aside, shitty people have the instinct to stomp people to death with their hooves if they feel threatened in any way by their talent or confidence.
I've been beaten with the "be nice you don't want to hurt his feelings" shtick my whole life and ask me if it's changed how I deal with men ever.
This is Queen Shit!