Exercising for bum:

Exercising for butt post: beware, very dumb post I apologize I just need advice.

Okay so I have a square butt, I'm trying to just get a rounder one so I can feel powerful over other people as a part of my levelling up process. (Sounds narcissistic I know.)

People look at my butt and I've been sexually harassed many times over it. Once I take pictures of it it just looks dumb and square.

Is my mindset about this wrong? Am I using the wrong motivation?

What also doesn't help is that my mom obsesses about beauty and by proxy I also kinda obsess about it even when I find males to be absolutely subhuman.

Even when I work out and look at my ass the only thing I can think about are the douchebags from my old job, like I can't separate their hypothetical opinions from my body even though they're ugly af and not worth anything to me.

Am I just super insecure? Is wanting a heart shaped butt normal? I also can't stop thinking about this 36 year old man that said "Your butts not even that great anyway" after I rejected him when I was 16. I know he was probably just trying to manipulate me but I want to have the most control over lv people in this area by being as pretty I can be. I want the crackheads to leave me alone and I want drivers to actually let me cross a damn bike trail. (Even though I am attractive I swear the males specifically can't even let people cross, it's pathetic.)

I can do 200lb hip thrusts (5 sets of 10 reps)

Weighted hip abductions:

150 lbs (6 sets of 15 reps + 10 last few reps)

I can do 150lb front squat machines (20 sets of 10 reps)

I was doing 360 lb leg presses and i think it made my ass look okay but it was tiring AF and I had viens showing on my legs from it and now I'm back down to 180 and I feel like a loser 😔

I can't do barbell squats well because I don't like when men stare at my ass while I'm doing it and I need to buy knee braces, I can only do 30lbs of these and I get very tired doing them, heart beats too fast and I get dizzy (I feel like a failure because of that too.)

My ass still isn't that desired heart shape and I'm getting tired /too busy to keep up. (Work and college starting soon...Also crushing Duolingo)

I recently got a discounted stationary bike (it was an old display, original price was 700$ and the guy gave it to me for 100$ if I had my tools to dissemble it.) I was so fuckin happy and I spend an hour on it each day burning about 980 calories.

I'm worried the bike is making my butt more square? Idk if that's a thing.

I feel like an absolute goober and I'm worried I'm wasting my time, maybe it's not possible and it's simply insecurity based.

Or maybe I'm getting standards from porn and models and I'm upset I'm not living up to those standards?

I could add Romanian deadlifts but those fucked my back up last time and I also get tired doing them.

I don't want to spend money on a trainer as the ones here are all male but also I'm just cheap and I swear that gym only hires hot people.

Anything big barbell related my energy literally leaves my body, like a dementor sucking my soul out. I could start smaller on them I guess? But I'm super impatient and humping the air / deep squatting around a bunch of sweaty men just feels awkward. Also once I get dizzy and tired I accidentally just start looking at people and I'm worried they get the wrong message, I get so delirious that I don't even think about it and it's just awkward. I also hate when people come to my machine to grab an extra weight while I'm humping 200lbs but they don't do that to a guy? And it's distracting AF because I'm looking right at them, I hate that shit.

Anyway yeah I just need to know if I'm missing something or if my goal is just absolutely unattainable and some of you have tried before. Maybe it's internalized misogyny and I'm applying unrealistic standards to myself. Maybe it's impossible or impossible to maintain once I get it.