Ladies currently in a relationship, what was your dynamic like with your HVM at first?

We met on OLD, so we were not friends first. He invited me to dinner and paid the check. He was friendly while not touching me at all. He texted me promptly after each date to say he’d had a wonderful time and to plan another date. In the first couple months, I would say he seemed nervous and shy, while still initiating and taking care of everything. The nervousness was more like knowing I was a successful, beautiful woman, and he felt lucky I was giving him my attention and he knew he’d better not screw up. I liked that he did not feel fully at ease, but rather that he knew he needed to keep working hard to impress and satisfy me. I don’t take some awkwardness as a bad sign, since I’ve dated too many “charming” LVM who mask their manipulation and misogyny by simply coming across as slick and chatty. My feelings were on the cooler side toward him for the first 3-4 months, before starting to heat up and feeling deeper romantic attraction. I found him polite, kind, and fun before I found him sexy. After high-conflict relationships with needy/narcissistic LVM, dating a HVM was a much more calm, slow process. Now we’re in a secure, loving, happy relationship.

We had known each other from high school and had been friendly, but nothing more than that. Reconnected 10 years later. Found out we had lots of common interests and eerily similar life trajectories. I'd say the interest was there from the start. We were very comfortable, close to no awkwardness, as if we had known each other for years. He was very respectful throughout. I'll admit we jumped into the relationship fairly fast and in hindsight it would have been wiser to vet more – I was lucky this time but it could have been dangerous. Lesson learned. However I did have my boundaries, like no sex before I felt absolutely ready, and they were never a problem whatsoever. We've been together for over a year now and it has been lovely.

ETA: positive things that stood out to me from the start:

- he's an overall very friendly, warm and approachable person

- very mindful of my comfort (and that of others too)

- always gentlemanly (carrying my stuff, good compliments, paying for dates, little loving gestures like kissing my hand)

- active listener and remembers things I tell him (and often acts upon them, like getting that wine I wanted to try)

- loves animals and is vegetarian (but like 90% vegan now because I am), has two cats he spoils

- amazing with kids

- never pushy around sex, not even in the slightest, but always offering very loving touch

- gets enthusiastic about things I'm excited about

- no toxic masculinity BS

- really willing to learn what I need from a relationship, like verbal affirmations, and accommodates that

- soothes my anxiety with his calming presence lol

- great sense of humor

- felt very lucky to have had a chance with me (and still does)

I could go on, but obviously he's not a superhuman either and has his flaws. But he actually brings concrete value to my life and is just a joy to be around. I just love that I can always feel that he loves being a boyfriend, unlike so many other men who were there for the benefits but only begrudgingly showed up as partners. It's nice to be with someone who is willing to go the distance with you.

We were friends for about 4 months first. He had expressed interest in me early and I said I would rather not have a LDR, and was going on other dates. He was never butthurt or jealous about it, and gave me pretty FDS-aligned advice on those guys, actually. He was always respectful of my friendship boundaries, I just slowly fell for him and one time when we were getting dinner thought "oh well I guess I'll try distance" and started making out with him in the elevator.

A couple other random early green flags:

Within a few weeks after the elevator incident he initiated the discussion of exclusivity and took initiative to ask questions about what I needed from him/how I feel loved.

The first time he came over to my place I wasn't comfortable with him sleeping over and kicked him out at 1am, and he made zero stink about being inconvenienced.

That time he also noticed I was using instant coffee (I'm cheap about some stuff haha) and a couple days later took it upon himself to order me a nice coffee maker, grinder, and pour over thingy. When he was coming over more he also got me a tv and hung it up (I had just been using my computer).

LDR related green flag - he has always paid for my travel to visit him (which it's easier for me to do than him so I do travel more often, I work remote). He always makes sure his place has all my favorite drinks/snacks.

We didn't meet via a dating app - we were in the same PhD cohort. I technically found him interesting even while in a relationship with what turned out to be a ZVM (think secret alcoholism and AvPD, it's a whole thing) but never really bothered pursuing a friendship with him because I was already wasting my time in another relationship and because I don't really see the point of friendships with men (they're invariably less enriching than those with women) unless it's a prelude to dating. He carried discussions in reading groups and was super, super friendly, which I liked. I hate men with monotone voices or who don't smile or laugh much and he the polar opposite. He also wasn't just friendly with me but acted the same way with other men and women - it was just his disposition.

After my ZVM ex dumped me I basically knew immediately I wanted to get to know my current partner more, but didn't actively pursue anything. I did intentionally start participating more in the reading groups he led , though, and he started approaching me with more small-talk esq questions. I reciprocated in a friendly way and we eventually started talking online more regularly (he added me on messenger and started messaging me first). He asked me if I wanted to hang out (initially as just friends) and I expected it to be some kind of slow escalation into a romantic relationship, but about a few days after that he basically ramped up the flirting and then asked me out formally a few days later. The whole thing from attending his reading groups to getting asked out took around a month in total.

I was pretty comfortable around him because he's gregarious and sociable. I don't think I'm socially confident enough to date an introvert plus I just like the tendency towards initiating that extroverted guys tend to have. Unlike any of my online dates, none of our interactions (platonic or romantic) felt forced or awkward. It never felt like I had to reach for conversation.

He said "I love you" fairly soon, which I know can sometimes be a red flag, but I knew I loved him when he said it and I was also deeply averse to dating another avoidant man, so I took it as a green flag. He went all out with flowers, formal but customized dates, he converted to veganism (as a rule I don't date non-vegan men), etc. In keeping with the whole "no avoidant men" thing, I was always on the lookout for wavering effort. He's consistently been a great texter (which matters to me), great initiator of dates, and super enthusiastic, and we've been dating for around 15 months now.

My husband was willing to accept my request to take it very slowly. He was fine with four months of exclusivity before sex. He made himself useful by fixing my computer, and showed a ton of interest in my career. He was shy but willing to keep putting himself out there to get to know me. He called out friends for treating their partners badly and cut off a relative for trying to talk him out of being with me because “she’s controlling” (for making a very simple request) without thinking twice. Basically, he was more than willing to prioritize me without ever having to be prompted.

The silence 😅😅😅

I met my husband through OLD. I added him on Snapchat after a little while and he asked me on a date. I thought he was awkward and honestly pretty odd, but he came across as very genuine and I never felt unsafe around him. At the time, I had spent majority of my social life trying to be who I thought people would have an easier time accepting which I believed was a very normal thing to do. Over time he eventually showed me that I could be myself and he would love to be included. He asked me to be his girlfriend after about a month and he let me know that he was only into dating with the intention of someday being married. Until that point there were 0 red flags about possible game playing so I believed him and I appreciated his honesty. I met his family about a week after and I felt very welcomed. That same weekend we went camping together and he asked me for permission to kiss me for the first time. He always texted back in a timely manner, when I needed him he was always willing to help. I was with my mom and one of my sisters when my car broke down about an hour from our home town. We were stranded from around 10am to 12am. After trying to get my dad and sister to come help (they couldn’t/wouldn’t). He came as soon as he was able to leave work and stayed with us to help fix the car and took us to get food. We eventually had to get the car towed back home because it needed a part ordered. Fast forward we were married about 3 years later. We slipped up a few times but we tried our best to not have sex before we were married. Also he was very against porn from the moment I met him which I never understood until I found FDS (a few years after we got married). I was never into porn, so I didn’t think much of it at all and just accepted his stance. He’s asleep next to me and I just gave him a huge kiss after typing this all out lol 🥰

FDS Podcast Episode 97 (11 Jan 2023) “A Family Affair: Inside A High Value Relationship” is the best answer to all of your questions in this post. 👑 Savannah’s sister sounds awesome!

I love this question and the answers so far, and I really loved the newest fds podcast that addressed this as well!

It especially comforted me to hear savannahs sister tell her stories-I sometimes feel like a woman who just doesn’t know how to command good treatment. She still had to have some bad dates too and ended Up happy with someone who respects her.

I don’t like that she had to go through that, but it made me feel not so terrible about myself for what I accepted from men in the past and made me respect my own journey more.