Personally, I see wife benefits as the ability to create permanent legal and financial ties. I wouldn't buy a house or start a business or open a credit card or have a kid with a boyfriend. But I would do it with a husband because there's a mutual understanding that this is a higher level of commitment. Plus the legal protections of marriage. The one exception for me is living together. I wouldn't move in with a guy right away but I also wouldn't get married without a period of cohabitation. Perhaps that could be a fiancee benefit? I think each relationship is different in that regard.
In regard to what wife benefits are NOT, I wanna say that I don't believe doing an excessive amount emotional labor/taking on most of the mental load is a "wife benefit/wife duty". I mention that because I see women online and on this forum say that men need to put a ring on it and bring home the bacon if they expect a woman to do all the domestic labor, as if that's an equal trade. I don't care how long I've been married to a guy, I'm not gonna stress myself out picking up after him/reminding him to go the doctor/telling him to call his mom, etc. All of these "benefits" should only be conferred to men who have proven themselves to be of high caliber, and getting down on one knee doesn't cut it.
Before the GF label, I will agree to go out on a date with him once a week only. But once the commitment talk commences and I agree to be his GF, he can see me around 2-4 times a week. (I make sure to still have the other 3-5 days to myself to keep my independence + not get so attached in case it doesn't work out.)
In the courting stage, I will accept a phone call from him to check in with me once a week, preferably before or the day of the date to confirm the time, place, restaurant chosen, how I'm doing in general, etc. He can call me one more time that same week if he likes, or Facetime/webcam to chat for 15-30 minutes to get to know one another in between these romantic dates. Once I'm his GF, of course I want the phone calls/Facetime/webcam to increase to a few times a week. Text and email more or less follows the same rules here for keeping communication.
After 6+ months of overall dating and vetting, we can have sex. There's no tight deadline here as I will have sex when I feel 200% like I can trust him like that. I refuse to "date" a man for longer than 8 weeks without the commitment talk happening from him, if he doesn't bring it up, it's game over and I block him. After the commitment talk, it's good to still hold off on sex for another month or so to see if he's being for real with me or if he just brought up the BF talk just to hit it.
I can sleepover at his place and then go home afterwards, and he can sleepover at my place but he'll have to leave afterward. On vacations, we can obviously sleep in the same bed together. I refuse cohabiting until marriage; not even an engagement ring feels safe for me, I need the whole she-bang to happen in order for me to feel safe enough. The only exception is if he can prove to me somehow the wedding date will be within 1-3 months of him proposing and I can get to plan and choose the venue, where to marry, who to invite, etc.
I refuse to cook for him anything, but I don't mind making him very simple things like a sandwich, popcorn, hot dog sausages with sticks in them hors d'oeuvres style, a simple salad, and heating up leftovers of takeouts. I don't want the restaurant dates to stop; if I show him how well I can cook, he might pull the ol' "Welp, since YOU'RE such a great cook, let's stay inside to eat from now on!" Hell no.
He can finally meet my immediate family.
Fiancée:
As soon as the ring goes on, I can finally tell everyone else in my life-friends, colleagues, employer, etc-that I am happily engaged and it's with this man here. I find that it brings horrible luck to let the whole damn world know of your relationship, especially so soon in the early stages. People pray for your downfall, it's scary; ex-gfs of his might catch wind of it and they'll want to wreck it. Drama will spill. At least with an engagement news, it'll catch everyone off by guard and they won't know what to do. It's too late for them to try to change the dude's mind since he's now pretty much all in. I'm serious, y'all, don't even bring him up on social media until he becomes your HUSBAND.
Again, provided he can prove the wedding date will be within the next 1-3 months, we can move in together. We can now spend all day everyday together now if he wants to.
Despite all of this, though, I refuse to mix our money together. He wants me to move in with him? He's going to have to pay the entire rent of the place he wants to start our lives together in, or buy the house completely. Once we marry, then yes, that's when I can finally do the 50/50 in where ever we need to have a great life.
Still refuse to cook or clean up after him.
He can send me gifts and flowers at my place of work. Remember, he now exists. ;)
Phone calls and text/email/etc pretty much everyday to every other day.
Wife
We can finally do things like open up credit card lines together, purchasing cars and property together, etc.
I can get off birth control and stop condom use comfortably, since I won't mind falling pregnant with him. It's safe to do so now.
I can now cook him fully thought out meals we can both enjoy together.
Phone calls and other forms of communication every single day. No exception. I should not have to wonder where he went, where he is, or if he died at any point in our relationship now that we're married.
+ All the perks above, basically.
16
Unknown member
Jan 12, 2023
Replying to
This is such a good, comprehensive list! Also its true you should keep your private matters esp relationships a secret on social media until its official. The evil eye is real i swear, people are weird and jealous these days. however its a matter of the man to not blast your relationship all over the web 🙃
I'm gonna kinda ignore fiance because (at least for me) I don't see the point in a long engagement. If we decide to get married, we get married (it's not like the proposal will be the first time it's discussed, and I don't want a big party so I don't need time to plan for it).
I think the main difference is that in both GF and wife mode, the relationship needs to have an overall positive impact on your life, but when you're married that positive impact can be balanced out more over time. Like in GF mode the relationship should be making your life better as averaged over a couple days or a week, but in a marriage that timeline can get lengthened a bit.
For example, he needs to put in a ton of effort at work for a couple months in order to get an important promotion. If you're the GF you're understanding that he's stressed and may have to spend a little less time with you (and have other friends/hobbies you are happy to spend time on). If you're married that means for that period of time you can do more housework so you both are "working" an overall equal number of hours a week. Because in marriage you have the legal/financial protections that make his career growth also benefit you, so the sacrifice on your part is more justified (and you chose a guy who would do the same for you).
Dating * We spend time together in public places* He plans meals, activities, etc. No “hanging out”* Physical contact limited to quick hugs, holding hands, etc. * See each other 1x/weekNew girlfriend (recent commitment)* Meet each others’ friends* Spend time at each other’s homes* Kissing and more physical comfort with each other* See each other 2-3x/weekEstablished girlfriend (after several months of commitment)* Meet each others’ families * Physical intimacy, based on my pleasure and preferences* Occasional sleepovers* Attend friends’ weddings together* Travel together - make sure we can get along* See each other 3-6x/week (gradually increasing over time)* Spend some holidays together* Minimal to no compromises for him - I do what I want in life* Within about a year, have a series of serious discussions to confirm that we both see a life together Fiancée:* Start actively considering and planning a shared living arrangement* Attend family’s weddings together (I will never again bring just a boyfriend to a wedding in attendance by my entire extended family!)* See each other near-daily* Spend all holidays together* We have discussed and agreed upon all essential topics of a shared life, including children, lifestyle, finances, career, religion, a shared vision for our lives* Some compromises necessary, but maintain own strong boundaries and values Wife:* Live together* Some shared assets* Sleep in the same bed together every night * All major life decisions are shared, with my opinion considered essential and guiding
6
Unknown member
Jan 10, 2023
Oooh good question!
Girlfriend:
Introduce to my family/friends
Spend time together-but not prioritize him over my other relationships
Can spend the night
Cook/bake for him
Fiancé:
Introducing him to my colleagues
Let him move into my home fully
Cook/bake for him to give away (for example, making something for his work potluck or something)
Factoring him into my decisions
Can keep food in my fridge lol. I HATE other people's food in my fridge.
Wife:
Sharing of assets, money, bank accounts, etc.
Moving. Even if I did move for my husband, I'd want to keep my home. I own it & it's in the place where I grew up so it's very important to me.
Prioritizing him first in my life
Adopting a dog together
One thing that I struggle with is gifts. Honestly, I'm a great gift giver & I have a HARD time not getting him something that I know he'll love but is a lot of money and/or effort. 😅
For me, it's about the levels of commitment, investing, future plans and about how much I'm ready to put effort and give myself.
Girlfriend: I want to spend time together but also keep a little distance to my personal space and stay fully independent. Having a good time together but keeping separate apartments, money and being strict about having my me-time. He is important, but I prioritize my firends over him and absolutely without hesitation I will put my own needs first. I keep practical things simple as I'm able to end the relationship very quickly without mess and only reason needed is that it doesn't feel right anymore. I'm loyal to the rules we have agreed for our relationship but not being too serious. I won't invest anything what could make it difficult for me to leave. I make only short and quite small future plans. Not asking or taking opinions about anything related to my life. Not taking any risks or making changes to my life because of him. Living for myself and other one is a nice addition in it. Like an appetizer but not a main course.
Fiancè: I can consider moving together and share more daily life with him. I can also make him a priority over most of other people but still putting myself first. Making longer and bigger future plans together. Listening opinions and taking advices. He's not anymore just an addition to my life, but a part of it, so I'm ready to accept changes in my lifestyle. Still not taking risks (no owning anything together, for example, not depending from another). I'm not against long engagement (couple of years would be ok for me) but forever-long or shady "some day" is out of question. As long as mindset is to get married when the time is right, I don't necessarily have to start planning wedding right away (well, I wouldn't even want any big wedding ceremony, it wouldn't take much of planning anyway). No rush needed, but both have to be seriously aiming there. I wouldn't end the relationship so quick&easily at this point. When accepting proposal it would mean that I'm ready to commit with full of my heart. That commitment will become reality when married.
Wife: Living together, building a life together. Discussing about things together, and making compromises. ready to give my everything and truly put all the effort for keeping a strong, happy partnership. Sharing dreams and sorrows, taking care of each other and facing also the dark sides of the life together. Not only planning future together, but also living it. Trust and support. At this point is not about me, it's about us. Not "my life" but "our life". I'm ready to jump into unknown with him if needed. I prioritize the relationship. I don't say I would never leave, but definitely not easily and if I would, there'd be huge problems without any possibility to work them out.
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Personally, I see wife benefits as the ability to create permanent legal and financial ties. I wouldn't buy a house or start a business or open a credit card or have a kid with a boyfriend. But I would do it with a husband because there's a mutual understanding that this is a higher level of commitment. Plus the legal protections of marriage. The one exception for me is living together. I wouldn't move in with a guy right away but I also wouldn't get married without a period of cohabitation. Perhaps that could be a fiancee benefit? I think each relationship is different in that regard.
In regard to what wife benefits are NOT, I wanna say that I don't believe doing an excessive amount emotional labor/taking on most of the mental load is a "wife benefit/wife duty". I mention that because I see women online and on this forum say that men need to put a ring on it and bring home the bacon if they expect a woman to do all the domestic labor, as if that's an equal trade. I don't care how long I've been married to a guy, I'm not gonna stress myself out picking up after him/reminding him to go the doctor/telling him to call his mom, etc. All of these "benefits" should only be conferred to men who have proven themselves to be of high caliber, and getting down on one knee doesn't cut it.
Girlfriend:
Before the GF label, I will agree to go out on a date with him once a week only. But once the commitment talk commences and I agree to be his GF, he can see me around 2-4 times a week. (I make sure to still have the other 3-5 days to myself to keep my independence + not get so attached in case it doesn't work out.)
In the courting stage, I will accept a phone call from him to check in with me once a week, preferably before or the day of the date to confirm the time, place, restaurant chosen, how I'm doing in general, etc. He can call me one more time that same week if he likes, or Facetime/webcam to chat for 15-30 minutes to get to know one another in between these romantic dates. Once I'm his GF, of course I want the phone calls/Facetime/webcam to increase to a few times a week. Text and email more or less follows the same rules here for keeping communication.
After 6+ months of overall dating and vetting, we can have sex. There's no tight deadline here as I will have sex when I feel 200% like I can trust him like that. I refuse to "date" a man for longer than 8 weeks without the commitment talk happening from him, if he doesn't bring it up, it's game over and I block him. After the commitment talk, it's good to still hold off on sex for another month or so to see if he's being for real with me or if he just brought up the BF talk just to hit it.
I can sleepover at his place and then go home afterwards, and he can sleepover at my place but he'll have to leave afterward. On vacations, we can obviously sleep in the same bed together. I refuse cohabiting until marriage; not even an engagement ring feels safe for me, I need the whole she-bang to happen in order for me to feel safe enough. The only exception is if he can prove to me somehow the wedding date will be within 1-3 months of him proposing and I can get to plan and choose the venue, where to marry, who to invite, etc.
I refuse to cook for him anything, but I don't mind making him very simple things like a sandwich, popcorn, hot dog sausages with sticks in them hors d'oeuvres style, a simple salad, and heating up leftovers of takeouts. I don't want the restaurant dates to stop; if I show him how well I can cook, he might pull the ol' "Welp, since YOU'RE such a great cook, let's stay inside to eat from now on!" Hell no.
He can finally meet my immediate family.
Fiancée:
As soon as the ring goes on, I can finally tell everyone else in my life-friends, colleagues, employer, etc-that I am happily engaged and it's with this man here. I find that it brings horrible luck to let the whole damn world know of your relationship, especially so soon in the early stages. People pray for your downfall, it's scary; ex-gfs of his might catch wind of it and they'll want to wreck it. Drama will spill. At least with an engagement news, it'll catch everyone off by guard and they won't know what to do. It's too late for them to try to change the dude's mind since he's now pretty much all in. I'm serious, y'all, don't even bring him up on social media until he becomes your HUSBAND.
Again, provided he can prove the wedding date will be within the next 1-3 months, we can move in together. We can now spend all day everyday together now if he wants to.
Despite all of this, though, I refuse to mix our money together. He wants me to move in with him? He's going to have to pay the entire rent of the place he wants to start our lives together in, or buy the house completely. Once we marry, then yes, that's when I can finally do the 50/50 in where ever we need to have a great life.
Still refuse to cook or clean up after him.
He can send me gifts and flowers at my place of work. Remember, he now exists. ;)
Phone calls and text/email/etc pretty much everyday to every other day.
Wife
We can finally do things like open up credit card lines together, purchasing cars and property together, etc.
I can get off birth control and stop condom use comfortably, since I won't mind falling pregnant with him. It's safe to do so now.
I can now cook him fully thought out meals we can both enjoy together.
Phone calls and other forms of communication every single day. No exception. I should not have to wonder where he went, where he is, or if he died at any point in our relationship now that we're married.
+ All the perks above, basically.
I'm gonna kinda ignore fiance because (at least for me) I don't see the point in a long engagement. If we decide to get married, we get married (it's not like the proposal will be the first time it's discussed, and I don't want a big party so I don't need time to plan for it).
I think the main difference is that in both GF and wife mode, the relationship needs to have an overall positive impact on your life, but when you're married that positive impact can be balanced out more over time. Like in GF mode the relationship should be making your life better as averaged over a couple days or a week, but in a marriage that timeline can get lengthened a bit.
For example, he needs to put in a ton of effort at work for a couple months in order to get an important promotion. If you're the GF you're understanding that he's stressed and may have to spend a little less time with you (and have other friends/hobbies you are happy to spend time on). If you're married that means for that period of time you can do more housework so you both are "working" an overall equal number of hours a week. Because in marriage you have the legal/financial protections that make his career growth also benefit you, so the sacrifice on your part is more justified (and you chose a guy who would do the same for you).
Dating * We spend time together in public places * He plans meals, activities, etc. No “hanging out” * Physical contact limited to quick hugs, holding hands, etc. * See each other 1x/week New girlfriend (recent commitment) * Meet each others’ friends * Spend time at each other’s homes * Kissing and more physical comfort with each other * See each other 2-3x/week Established girlfriend (after several months of commitment) * Meet each others’ families * Physical intimacy, based on my pleasure and preferences * Occasional sleepovers * Attend friends’ weddings together * Travel together - make sure we can get along * See each other 3-6x/week (gradually increasing over time) * Spend some holidays together * Minimal to no compromises for him - I do what I want in life * Within about a year, have a series of serious discussions to confirm that we both see a life together Fiancée: * Start actively considering and planning a shared living arrangement * Attend family’s weddings together (I will never again bring just a boyfriend to a wedding in attendance by my entire extended family!) * See each other near-daily * Spend all holidays together * We have discussed and agreed upon all essential topics of a shared life, including children, lifestyle, finances, career, religion, a shared vision for our lives * Some compromises necessary, but maintain own strong boundaries and values Wife: * Live together * Some shared assets * Sleep in the same bed together every night * All major life decisions are shared, with my opinion considered essential and guiding
Oooh good question!
Girlfriend:
Introduce to my family/friends
Spend time together-but not prioritize him over my other relationships
Can spend the night
Cook/bake for him
Fiancé:
Introducing him to my colleagues
Let him move into my home fully
Cook/bake for him to give away (for example, making something for his work potluck or something)
Factoring him into my decisions
Can keep food in my fridge lol. I HATE other people's food in my fridge.
Wife:
Sharing of assets, money, bank accounts, etc.
Moving. Even if I did move for my husband, I'd want to keep my home. I own it & it's in the place where I grew up so it's very important to me.
Prioritizing him first in my life
Adopting a dog together
One thing that I struggle with is gifts. Honestly, I'm a great gift giver & I have a HARD time not getting him something that I know he'll love but is a lot of money and/or effort. 😅
For me, it's about the levels of commitment, investing, future plans and about how much I'm ready to put effort and give myself.
Girlfriend: I want to spend time together but also keep a little distance to my personal space and stay fully independent. Having a good time together but keeping separate apartments, money and being strict about having my me-time. He is important, but I prioritize my firends over him and absolutely without hesitation I will put my own needs first. I keep practical things simple as I'm able to end the relationship very quickly without mess and only reason needed is that it doesn't feel right anymore. I'm loyal to the rules we have agreed for our relationship but not being too serious. I won't invest anything what could make it difficult for me to leave. I make only short and quite small future plans. Not asking or taking opinions about anything related to my life. Not taking any risks or making changes to my life because of him. Living for myself and other one is a nice addition in it. Like an appetizer but not a main course.
Fiancè: I can consider moving together and share more daily life with him. I can also make him a priority over most of other people but still putting myself first. Making longer and bigger future plans together. Listening opinions and taking advices. He's not anymore just an addition to my life, but a part of it, so I'm ready to accept changes in my lifestyle. Still not taking risks (no owning anything together, for example, not depending from another). I'm not against long engagement (couple of years would be ok for me) but forever-long or shady "some day" is out of question. As long as mindset is to get married when the time is right, I don't necessarily have to start planning wedding right away (well, I wouldn't even want any big wedding ceremony, it wouldn't take much of planning anyway). No rush needed, but both have to be seriously aiming there. I wouldn't end the relationship so quick&easily at this point. When accepting proposal it would mean that I'm ready to commit with full of my heart. That commitment will become reality when married.
Wife: Living together, building a life together. Discussing about things together, and making compromises. ready to give my everything and truly put all the effort for keeping a strong, happy partnership. Sharing dreams and sorrows, taking care of each other and facing also the dark sides of the life together. Not only planning future together, but also living it. Trust and support. At this point is not about me, it's about us. Not "my life" but "our life". I'm ready to jump into unknown with him if needed. I prioritize the relationship. I don't say I would never leave, but definitely not easily and if I would, there'd be huge problems without any possibility to work them out.
This is so detailed! I really like the differences between courting and girlfriend!
Girlfriend:
- Sex.
- Texts & phone calls just to chat (not solely to set up dates, like in the courting stage).
- Small gifts for holidays/birthdays.
Fiancee/Husband:
- Sex, blowjobs if I feel like it (which I probably never will, but whatever).
- “Just because” gifts, I saw this at the store and knew you‘d like it gifts, etc. Thoughtful gifts for holidays/birthdays.
- Sharing a home/living together.
- Cooking for them.
- Acts of service.
- Having kids together.
- Priority status in my life.