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Hello everyone!
This is my first post on here and I'm writing because I'd really like to get advice on what I should do.
I'm living at home and working and in time, plan to leave to get my own place. I share a bathroom with my brother which I don't like because when he has a shower, he uses hot water which leaves the bathroom wet. I tend to speak my thoughts out loud to myself which I do from time to time and when I finished showering, I was cleaning parts of the bathroom that were wet and spoke out loud, saying how annoying it was that he showers like this. My dad tends to shower the same way and I mentioned how the both of them annoy me when they do this because the entire bathroom is damp when you go in after them.
I can't remember if I thought the next bit in my head or said it out loud but I said that this is a trait that a wife would find annoying. My brother also has a habit of not opening up the windows in his room, which leaves his room smelling damp like the bathroom does. After my brother showers, he closes the door which leaves the bathroom wet and when you go in, it smells damp. I complained about that too - I said it out loud.
Once I finished cleaning, I started to brush my teeth when suddenly, the bathroom door opens and it's my brother who asks me what I was saying about the bathroom and his room. I explained what he said and he left, somber, not saying a word.
The entire day he was distant towards me so I went to him to apologise. He said it was OK but he clearly wasn't happy. I told him that I could tell that he wasn't happy and that he should tell me how he feels but he was watching a football match and said he'd prefer to discuss it afterwards. I have to admit that hard conversations and confrontations scare me so I called a friend and stayed in my room talking to her, to avoid talking to him.
My brother has some annoying habits but by and large, we get along very well but I'm afraid that he's very hurt by what I said and it may impact how close we are.
Please advise me on what I should do. How should I go about talking to him? He's gone for a walk now and I'd like to talk to him before the day is over.
Thank you!
You don't need to apologize for anything here, why would you?
He should apologize and be ashamed that he doesn't keep his room and your shared bathroom tidy and usable. It's not your job to clean up after him or nag him about doing his chores, he's a grown man. If he doesn't want to criticized maybe he should start taking better care of your shared spaces. He's not a baby and if he is pouting like one after your remark that's not your problem. His feelings are not your problem and you don't need to feel guilty about them.
Do. not. apologize. And move out of there as soon as possible.
Girl, noooo! What you did is a fawn response and it implies you are afraid of your brother —or at least afraid of his reaction. His reaction is passive aggressive/ covert abuse —also known as the silent treatment. Abusers use the silent treatment hoping it will make you stew with guilt and apologize to them. Which you did even though you were not in the wrong and were actually reprimanding him for doing something you perceive as wrong (thoughtlessly damaging & stinking up the house).
He played a power move on you and it worked. You took away his power by calling him out and he took it back by subtly DARVOing you (deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender). Your power move should’ve been telling him to f*ck off and calling him a man baby when he started acting huffy and wouldn’t talk to you. I’m going to guess your father and brother have done this to you before because it worked so easily on you. I’m going to guess they do this to your mother too. Be aware of it for future interactions. This is how most ”nice” men get their way over women —through covert abuse and coercion that is often so subtle it is not recognized for what it is until after the fact. They make the price of you correcting them or calling them out hurt so much emotionally that you instinctively either stop doing it or take the blame on yourself for “upsetting“ them.
It’s not your house and you’re leaving soon, so let the men destroy it. Keep your head down and get out. Start separating your mind from the family unit. Once you’re on your own, your body & brain are going to feel a lot of relief and you’ll have more space and opportunities to assert your wants and desires without automatically factoring in the family unit.
You didn’t do anything wrong to apologize … him and your father are acting like children throwing tantrums. They need to clean after themselves. You are not their maid.
You are way too concerned about his feelings, and need to work on centering yourself more. His actions are those of a person who isn’t worth your energy like this. Worry about yourself and stop people pleasing. Match energy. Ignore him right back.
Maybe he is seriously taking your words into account, since according to you, the sibling relationship is pretty good. Maybe he is trying to understand how to improve or how long you have felt this way, etc. If he has shown signs of manipulation before, his distant behaviour might be related to that now as well. In both cases, there does not seem to be any reason for you to apologize :)