.png)
I think a lot of posts I've made on here have mentioned I have bad social skills so I need some help figuring out what standards/boundaries/expectations I should have when I'm trying to make friends. Obviously I'm going to try not to violate other people's boundaries as well. I've realized I shouldn't be texting people that often, not asking them to text me more, and not asking them to call me if they don't know me very well. And I shouldn't be talking about mental health issues with them and try to be positive. Also I probably should get more comfortable with group hangouts rather than one-on-one hangouts even though I prefer one-on-one stuff, it just seems like no one else does unless they know me really well and they've known me for a long time.
I used to be really uncomfortable with the idea of "surface level friends" because I only wanted deep friendships but then I realized "surface level" doesn't mean they're fake friends. They'll still care about me, I just have to get used to not having frequent communication with them.
I think it's really that I have to get used to the fact that people don't like texting and they don't like hanging out if it's not in a group. And they don't like talking about mental health stuff so I should only talk about that with my therapist not anyone else. I need to work on toning down my clinginess as well.
Because of FDS, I no longer chase people who seem to be unproductive or have no goals. But when it comes to people's behaviour I think I'm just going to have the standard of "someone who doesn't insult me" for now. Wanting anything beyond this makes me feel creepy and entitled.
The way I look at friendships is on par with life “classmates”. For one reason or another we’ve found ourselves in the same “classroom” (city, social scene, hobby, neighborhood, job, etc) and it may be a short lived thing, it may be a long term thing, it may be a lifetime thing (though I’m not holding my breath). Ultimately people are selfish but hive mind, so unless you’re willing to take charge or you surround yourself with take charge people, no one’s gonna be jumping to make plans then consistently invite you as an afterthought. I live my life simply gauging my own social battery and inviting the people who won’t deplete me past zero to do the things I impulsively want to do. “I wanna go to X brewery tonight for Y event, wanna go with?” Or if I have ideas of what I’d like to do socially I’ll offer it up conversation and let others determine their involvement (“this summer I wanna try to go to the coast more”, “I want to go to ikea for X thing, but I’m thinking of making a whole day trip out of it”). The squeaky wheel gets the grease and you never know until you ask/voice opinions. Humans in general are a lot more simple in this regard than we assume them to be.
i wish we could be friends because it seems we have similar interests regarding friendships. i don't like going out in groups. on-on-one is way better. i also like texting frequently and i miss sharing day-to-day stuff with people. sometimes i just want to talk. i'm not even referring to deep, emotional stuff. just talk about my day. i'm not going to waste precious (expensive) minutes of therapy sessions to talk to my therapist about amenities...
now to answer your question: i think the bare minimum is to ask you out periodically (even if months apart), talk about normal silly stuff (hi! what's up? hey, take a look at this meme lol) sometimes. doesn't have to be someone who's "there for you", but if you need help with something, they might be available (but not always, not all the time). just be kind to you and helpful once in a while.
A friend is someone who supports you. Simple as.
That doesn't necessarily mean communicating every day: I have people I don't contact for months or longer, but I know if I need them they'll be there. I also know if they need me and ask for help, I'll be there.
There are also the friends who will support you through medium level stuff, but will gradually drift away when your lives separate. That's not because they didn't care, but because we only have so much to give.
I think it's better to have a few friendships of a medium level. No one has the time to text every day and have deep personal conversations every week. And about the mental health stuff: it depends on how you approach it. If you are using people as your personal therapist, yeah, they won't like it. You might be trauma dumping. That's not quit the same thing as never wanting to talk about mental health