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RANT
I am at my breaking point with her. She’s been treating me like a nanny. I have had enough.
I think it started in May when she asked me to come earlier to help decorate her daughter’s birthday party and I declined and came on time. Eversince then, both are just really controlling whenever we hangout.
We agreed to join her husband’s and my birthday party along with Christmas together because we’re one day a part from eachother this Saturday.
They keep insisting on picking me up and shoving me in the back with their toddler kids and I honestly feel like a nanny. The last time they asked me to hangout, they tried to make me hangout with them at a toddlers jungle gym on a Friday night. A FRIDAY NIGHT of all things, especially after pay day. They tried guilting me for not partaking their Friday night activities.
Yeah, I’m not having it on my birthday. I get migraines from sitting in the backseat with their kids and I feel like I have no freedom to leave and do whatever I please.
I feel so annoyed rn. I’m have been dropping out ideas that would suit their kid’s dietary needs and activities everyone could do. Granted, I may not know the full situation, but they said they have things figured out. It’s Thursday night, and they text me asking me talk about Saturday’s plans since her husband was supposed to plan something, but now he doesn’t know what to do. I’m frustrated because he did say some of the things I thought of were good ideas. She asked if she could talk to me at 8 tonight and I’m like, I have yoga lessons and then I’m gonna go grocery shopping for tmr so I won’t get back until really late like 11pm. She agreed to it. I’m like texting them, and calling them. Bruh…
I began to reflect on why they want me in their car. Their argument was how it would benefit me by saving gas, and they could talk to me more. I told them I like being in my car, I like listening to my radio. I don’t mind wasting gas. I like being in control. I didn’t want to offend them and say that I feel like a nanny and being stuck in their car gives me a migraine, but I’m really considering telling them the truth and offending them. They haven’t been answering or replying to my messages. I told them that they need to let me know by Friday night and send me the address and time, and that it’s okay if they want to meet me at another time and exchange gifts once they figure it all out.
Update: I had a mild outburst over WhatsApp last night after staying up close to 1am to hear back from them. They got back to me in the morning just before work. They offered this arcade for their kids, followed by warehouse shopping (they’re in a different income bracket then me), and we have no idea about food. I’m not really looking forward to this, but it is a gesture/effort on their end I guess 🤷🏻♀️.
But like, from reading these comments, it seems not going is an option. Honestly, I kind of don’t want to spend my birthday like this. It seems as though these plans suit them more than me. I was thinking of going for a little bit and then leaving mid way, but now, I don’t want to go at all.
I talked to my parents and they’re like telling me that it’s okay and to just go with the flow, and that they’re trying their best.
I’m thinking of just telling them that I can’t make it even though I said yes a few hours earlier.
Update 2: I just sent them the text. I realized that activities they offered were more about them and what they wanted to do. I had no input in these ideas and it seemed like they already came up with these ideas weeks beforehand since they kept throwing these ideas at me before and I kept saying no.
I bought them their gifts. If anything, I could just return them, or keep them idk and idc.
This is a classic case of parents assuming that just because their life now completely revolves around what's convenient for their kids, everyone else's has to revolve around that, too. I've seen it so many times. They truly can't imagine that other people - even their friends - do not want to spend every waking minute with their kids or turn over their whole life for them. I honestly think it's some kind of Stockholm syndrome and that ultimately they are not doing their kids a favor with it.
When my wider friend circle started having kids there were two groups:
the parents who acted like your friends and got really mad when the group's plans wouldn't constantly accomodate them and people started to get annoyed by their requests to make every group outing "kid friendly"
and the relaxed parents who just got a babysitter, just brought the baby along in a carrier but never made it the center of attention (I called them "kangaroo babies" and they were the most relaxed and confident kids I've ever met later) or skipped the meetings that weren't kid friendly
The first group drifted away on their own after a while and now only hangs out with other parents. Fine by me.
No no no. You're bargaining and justifying yourself, even though "no" is a full sentence. Don't do that. They will only pick your reasons apart and make counter arguments. "No thanks, I'll drive myself" is enough.
Your situation sounds exhausting and unfortunately like your "friend" is using you for free labour. If it's possible to just drop out of that joint birthady party (like you haven't paid for a venue etc.), I'd do that. And after this party I'd probably just stop contacting her and politely declining every time she invites you somewhere, because she's obviously gonna take her kids everywhere with her and just keep using you. Probably no point confronting her since she seems like the type that won't admit anything, even though the evidence is right under her nose.
TL;DR: "No" is a full sentence. Good luck! Protect your peace and don't over explain yourself.
This is just me, but I wouldn't even confront her. I would just phase her out of my life. Start saying "I've been really busy at work lately" "I think I'm gonna stay home and rest" "I'm kinda stranded for cash" and decline her invitations everytime until she gets the hint. Based on my experience, there's nothing to be gained by being "blunt" with her, she's clearly trying to use you, she doesn't care about your boundaries or your comfort. That's not a friend.
I would never babysit a kid unless it was an emergency. I don't want kids, she did. She can deal with them.
Your energy is not charity.
Your energy is limited and not something to be taken for granted is crucial, especially when the dynamics seem one-sided and unbalanced.
i like Phantompen's idea. another thing i thought about is maybe tell the truth to set the boundry, but not in an angry way. if you say it angrily, they'll just think you're rude. i think you can say that politely and explain you don't feel comfortable joining birthday parties anymore because you feel like they want you to always take care of their children when you go out together and you don't want to do that in your birthday. you understand that their routine and responsibilities are different from yours and you usually try to adapt because they are your friends, but you want to have fun on your birthday and the party planning has been too stressful.
then you sit and watch their reaction. if they show they understand and respect your new set boundry (even if they are upset about the change of plans), it means they are good friends. if they get mad and react badly, you've just filtered shitty people out of your life. both scenarios have a result that will help you level up.
some people will do to us whatever we let them. that is why it's so important to learn how to set boundries. and i think it's also important to do so in a diplomatic way because it helps people understand you are being reasonable.