.png)
I fall into this pattern constantly, I will meet a woman who seems nice, we usually don’t have too much in common. Then we will start hanging out 1x to 4x times a week, mostly one on one. They always have Much much more support, family and resources than me.
I get very attached, desperate to have a support network or best friend. Hanging out with them means so much to me. Being included in their world etc… at first I feel they are very giving, usually someone to listen to me rant and then in a few months I notice things are not really 50/50 I’m giving much more or they expect insane things from me (recent one was to have a fling with her son and be bffs/ help her daughter date) or they tell me they don’t care about me and expect the friendship to continue?
The friendship ends up being awful and I do not gain anything from the experience despite me desperately telling myself “2023 was worthwhile because I grew my friendships with so and so though not much else.”
I feel so drained. All my healthier friendships I guess are 1x a week to months type situations and I’m not as delusional about the friendships
I guess I just have to refuse anyone who wants to constantly be 1 on 1 with me?
I really want to end this hell ish cycle, help?!?
Book recommendations? YouTube videos?! Courses? 💖
In a lot of ways, friendships are similar to relationships. Therefore, the Handbook rules often apply to friendships too.
Getting too attached, chasing/forcing bonds to fill a void and believing you MUST have a BFF are all going to lead you to dead ends.
Focus on yourself, pour into your hobbies and passions (and discover new ones), find happiness in other ways, practice gratitude, maybe even start therapy to deal with the codependency, etc. The friends will follow/flow naturally from that.
Handbook. Honestly rules of handbook apply to friendships too. I never ever did myself disservice when I applied FDS rules to friendship.
Do you have narcissistic abuse history in your family? You might be subconsciously drawn to women who have abusive tendencies, especially if you are a people-pleaser which is what it sounds like. I've been in that situation as well before, in friendships with women where we get extremely close very fast, it's like we're love-bombing each other, super intense, and then at some point I start to put up with hurtful behavior because it would be too sad to leave, and then after a while we have a bad fight and never talk again. I'm working on it in therapy, I've had to learn to dial down the intensity and be more comfortable in my own skin and not work so hard to impress other people. Not sure what book recommendations I'd have but if you're not in therapy, now's a great time to start.
Watch this video starting at 9:19 until 13:56 (the rest of it isn't exactly useful). I've come to realize i'm a valuable friend thanks to this bit of this video. I asked myself "what's wrong? Am I a bad friend? Am I expecting too much? Should I be more flexible?", then I found this and now I'm at peace.