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My closest friend of 10+ years: FDS aligned, feminist and loves psychology, self improvement, etc. She has an avoidant attachment due to family trauma but she’s working on it and overall great company when we meet up.
We had our one and only fight several years ago. That time, we were out together and I got randomly attacked by a homeless man. She got so dismissive: demanded I stop crying, scolded me and refused to be late to our dinner booking. Strangers helped and called the police, meanwhile she got irritated and left me for the booking… Turns out her trauma/avoidance makes her “shut down” in intense situations. She also became tardy and disorganised, yet badgering me to constantly do expensive activities to avoid her personal problems. I got really angry and told her off!
She briefly saw a therapist and there was a huge improvement for a few years, but now it’s gone bad again!
I used to admire her ruthless boundaries, now she almost has none. Like she’s burnt out and thinks doing MORE work and going out every night will fix it. She insists she’s fine but she’s a HOT MESS.
She was always childfree, but now she’s OBSESSED with her body clock and becoming a “hot young mom”. She also wants her partner to quit his high paying job and get a finance degree to “improve their image”. She’s obsessed with her own image too and refuses to discuss/debate any of this.
She’s back to her old ways again: cold, clingy and disorganised. Her texts are cryptic and one-worded (not even a “hi how are you?”), she initiates expensive, frantic plans and she’ll try change them constantly in the most inconvenient and infuriating ways possible. To her, the chaos is being “spontaneous” and “putting her needs first” which her therapist encouraged. But I just feel like I’m being used to distract or entertain her from her chaotic life.
I’m constantly asking if she’s OK and offering support, but she remains closed off and guarded even when it’s obvious she’s not coping. Then I’m always cancelling plans because she’s a disorganised mess. I now dread her texts… or even ignore them…
If she continues this, I feel I’ll snap again and I don’t want that. I try tell myself it’s just another phase. And I’m just utterly confused that she’s gone BACKWARDS in all her growth, ruthlessness, radfem views, etc.
I would have snapped a while ago...
In this post you have not indicated once where your needs are met in this friendship.
Also even if she has her own set of issues, I would have taken some of her behavior as direct rejection.
Believe me I've been there. And, the fact that I took my self-respect seriously and walked away did us both a lot of good.
I would have blocked and deleted her after the incident with the homeless man. Her reaction to you being physically assaulted is just plain sketchy. I would not have been able to continue with the friendship.
Your friend is not loyal to you. That’s all I have to say.
Girl, didn’t you post about her like 2 months ago?? Why are you still dealing with her? She clearly doesn’t like/respect you. I know ending friendships is hard, but have you no self-respect?? 😭
Girl, ditch her. Nothing good is going to come from this. She's either going to drag you to her level or she's going to give you mental health issues from stresses she's putting you in.
Unfortunately, it is not your task to fix her :( You have been patient and understanding BUT Your needs come first and from what you wrote, she needs to learn on her own path, whithout dragging you down... you deserve peace of mind, and friends who reciprocate friendship We, as women, are tamed from a young age to be nice and understanding...ENOUGH We need to be as kind (more!) to ourselves and sometimes, unfortunately, it means putting an end to some relationships (work, romantic, friends, family, etc.) If you are aligned with your values and she does not respect your boundaries, it is your task to put an end to it I feel for you as friendships breakups hurt just as much (more?) than romantic ones... Stay strong <3
She sounds like a covert narc or BPD that uses her women friends and doesn't show any loyalty or respect! Cut that POS off like she cut you when you were down and out from the attack by that psycho homeless loser