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It seems to be so common that women baby their sons; I know my mom has done it with both of my brothers.
My mother in law, who I love dearly has also done it to her two sons. Luckily for me my fiancé realized this and decided to break out from under her, this was way before I even met him btw. But his brother on the other hand is incapable of doing basically anything on his own. Here is just a short list of things his mother does for him:
buys him underwear.
cooks him seperate dinner because he's too picky to eat what was originally made.
type out his resume and applies for jobs for him. He had to fill out a form for work and she literally read over it for him and just highlighted the part where he needed to sign and left it on the kitchen table.
Cleans his room when it turns into a disaster, which is every month or so.
Cleans his toenail clippings off the bathroom counter.
Reminds him when he needs to trim his toenails 🤢
She has all passwords to his banking information, he doesn't even know how to access his account online. He also has no idea how much money he makes because he doesn't see his bank account.
My fiancé has tried to talk to his mom about this, telling her it's not appropriate for her to be cooking every day for her grown adult son, cleaning up after him and applying for jobs for him but she doesn't want to hear it. Their father doesn't say much about the situation, which is part of the problem. His brother is mid twenties and doesn't have any disabilities, so there's no reason to be treating him like this.
I'm surprised how two brothers raised by the same parents can turn out so differently. I'm just wondering why these mothers do this to their sons?! My in laws are moving to another province soon, their son will be almost entirely on his own and I know he's going to struggle.
This phenomenon is very common where I live. I think a lot of women are frightened of ending up alone so I think that some mothers coddle their sons because a co-dependent son is less likely to leave and become independent and therefore the mother is less likely to end up alone. IMO this behaviour is actually very selfish. It's not fair on the son because she's robbing him of his independence and it's not fair on other family members either. I've seen it happen many times where the mother dies and the son is completely unable to cope. He can't hold down a job or pay bills or maintain the family home (which he usually inherits) because "Mommy did all that" and he's too old to learn. (He's not really but that's his excuse). The other family members usually refuse to take care of the son because after all, he's a grown man. These men often end up dying within 10 years of the mother dying and I'm convinced it's because they were unable to cope without her. All because Mommy didn't want to be alone. (Source - I had two uncles, one on each side of the family who were Mommy's boys and this is exactly what happened to both of them).
They are the worst, they are also the one's who apologise on their sons behalf and make excuses for him. I heard a mother coddle her son saying if the girlfriend that he cheated on loves him she will come back.. No.. If your son loves someone he wouldn't do that.
I think perhaps alot of women with incompetent husbands....project that onto their sons. Not saying it's a GOOD thing....just a common pattern. While I know how we break this pattern on a cultural level (by collectively making our sons DO STUFF and not just taking it laying down when our husbands don't DO STUFF) It's a SLOW and exhausting slog. Dear powers that be; Give me STRENGTH!
There's a famous saying that applies: women love their sons and raise their daughters.
If you know, you know.
From what I've gleaned over the years, these women baby their sons because their husband is either physically gone or totally mentally checked out. So the emotional emeshment follows. Mommy treats her precious baby boy(s) as the husband stand-in because she's too emotionally weak to form healthy bonds outside of her kid.
Since boys are lazy af, they will happily lap up the emotional and domestic labour from mommy. Then they wonder why they can't have a healthy relationship with a partner in the future.
Maybe you're husband/bf put more effort into being independent? I find with siblings there's always one good one and one bad/lazy one 😂
My mom does so much for my brother. So I get it.
The thing with my brother is, he has lots of mental health/developmental issues. She's always pushed him to be more independent. But I remember even at school he was so coddled. So he just got used to that treatment. He'd come home and not do a damn thing because he became so entitled.
For example my brother will wear clothes/shoes until they literally disintegrate. He won't take care of it. He doesn't care. Eventually my mom will buy his clothes because he looks homeless. He lives in filth too.
I even try and help to make him more independent. I've been doing this my whole life. He has anger issues so he freaks out. So me and my mom speak to him as little as possible.
He lives with her and she's thinking of taking him to the homeless shelter because he won't leave.
Society just coddles these men. My mom isn't innocent in this, but she tries with him. Everyone feels bad for him because of his struggles so he thinks he can just do whatever.
This is soooo creepy. It sounds like she wants...relations with her own son🤢. This is too far even for tye average pickme. It's giving Gypsy Rose minus the faked illnesses
This is stupid and basically abusive, like not teaching your kid to read or how to count. I hope she realizes that he'll continue to be that worthless when she's old and actually needs his help, which he'll be incapable of giving, because of her.
Are you sure you want to marry into this family?
Your BIL sounds like my ex and his mom, except my ex hated his mom and she would still do all that stuff for him and when I left him and our house, it was a complete mess bc he basically never learned how to clean up after himself.