Low value communication patterns in friends - block and delete? I'm tired of making excuses

You need reliable friends who match your communication energy. Block and delete anyone who claims they can’t send a text back that would’ve taken 5 seconds to do - they do not value you.

I don't think that you have to go all the way towards block and delete for friends who have trouble responding to text messages. I have friends like the ones you are describing, where every time we hang out in person, it's great but they struggle to return text messages even if they were the ones who texted me first. My solution to this issue has been to de-prioritize them. Since I enjoy hanging. out with them, if they go to the trouble of texting me with a specific time and place that they want to meet up, I will go and meet them, but I no longer text them first or take the initiative to set up plans with them. De-prioritizing these friends has made room in my heart and my schedule for friends who DO respond to texts, who text me first, who take initiative to set up plans, and who don't make me feel ignored when I reach out. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable, but most of all know that there are people out there who can take initiative to set up plans and respond to texts. That is not asking for too much.

>she was depressed and the phone was too much

i H-A-T-E when people use their mental health as an excuse to be assholes. depression won't go away if you leave people hanging. your fingers won't fall off your hands if you type a response. it is NOT that difficult.

i know what it feels like to be in your shoes, trust me. i'm tired of people devaluing my time and energy like that. one ex-friend once told me "you're life is changing now. things are starting to finally work for you, so it's natural that some people who do not match your energy will remove themselves from your life somehow. don't worry." and a few weeks later she was the one who disappeared for no reason (well, i don't know the reason, but there must be one...). she even removed our connection from linkedin - linkedin!!! no idea what i did to her. and she was one to say "oh i'm not in the mood for going out because my mood is too unstable" whenever i invited her to do something. and then she wold go out with her MARRIED NON-MONOGAMOUS fuckboy. ridiculous!

and througout my life, i've been abandoned by ultiple 'friends'. maybe i'm the problem, but since they don't have the decency to let me know what i'm doing wrong, it's impossible for me to change. so i'll just assume they are lazy and low value because their behaviour towards me is lazy and low.

so i've developed a protocol for "friends": i'll put on effort once, twice tops. if i'm not happy with the result, i'll treat them like acquaintances at most. real friends put on real effort.

Friendship isn't supposed to be "struggle love". It doesn’t take much for someone who can’t respond to negotiate or suggest alternatives, instead of constantly ghosting and disappointing you for weeks on end. “Sorry, I’m not a texter, I’ll call you this sunday? / let’s meet thursday? / I’ll catch u at yoga and we can talk after!”. Someone who has done the healing will be able to kindly set their boundaries because they know they need to meet you halfway.

But what do you do if they can’t? You could just stop being friends, move on and don’t take it to heart. Do this especially if they're selfish, flakey or superficial friends who just want your validation. But if they’re really “worth it”, you could adjust your communication style slightly. I have friends I text about events a month in advance because I know they’re slow. Others I will call, wait for them to text first, and some I just don’t bother seeing anymore but still consider them friends but from a distance.

From my experience, it's usually friends who are going through hardship that tend to ghost/disappear because they make their circles really small. Maybe they can only handle their family and roommates. Sometimes talking to me becomes a reminder of what they don't have or how unstable their life is. Some might avoid me because they're afraid of admitting their shortcomings (pickme ex-friends were like this too). If they choose to not open up, I just remind them that I'm here if they need, hope they find peace eventually and find others to hang with instead.

Friendships come and go, and each friendship is different which allows for authenticity. Some good people in your life might only serve one purpose (e.g. as a gym/yoga buddy) and you can't ask much more from them. So, it just means you need to find a different friend for a different purpose.

I can completely relate to your frustration and feeling of disrespect from people that are supposed to be your friends. I've had a lot of male and female friendships that petered out - we meet, we click, we hang out, they pull away and say they're busy or are bad texters (whatever that means), I make more of an effort to keep in touch, they either don't reply or take forever to reply, we meet up once in a wile or not at all, I give up and stop reaching out, they don't reach out, I stand my ground and don't reach out and boom, friendship over.

Like you, I've found it hurtful when I take time out of my busy schedule to call, text and plan hangouts with friends, only to have them barely reciprocate. It's very disrespectful and shows me that they don't really care about our friendship. As we know, actions speak louder than words so a friend who doesn't act like a friend is simply not your friend.

One reason that friendships don't last between women is because both men and women put men first. While men put themselves and other men first, above women, and women also put men above themselves and other women. That's why so many women have stories of failed friendships that arise from their friend getting a boyfriend and never hearing from their friend again or only hearing from her when her and her boyfriend fight or break up. A lot of people, as we get older, prioritise other things over friendships which is why sadly, it's harder to make friends when you get older. A lot of women would rather chase or hang onto some moron than work on themselves, vet men properly and cherish their friendships with women.

Secondly, a lot of women have been hurt so they feel resistant to opening up and getting close to others which is why they aren't chasing friendships as much and thirdly, I've come to notice that a lot of women feel settled in their romantic relationships/friendship groups which makes them disinterested in doing anything else like making new friends.

Please know you're not alone and I applaud you for making an effort to be a good friend. Like you so rightly put, we're not asking people to give up their lives and make their sole purpose to be our friends but if we say we're friends, shouldn't we want to keep in touch and see each other?

The advice I always get about making friends and I follow is going out of your comfort zone and finding things to do that interest you. Find societies, clubs and groups that interest you and you're likely to find people who share the same interests as you. Also, please know that as we are to vet men seeing as most men are LV, you need to vet women too. A lot of women are pickmes/LV that value men over female friendships. A lot of these women are ready to destroy friendships they have because of a man - e.g . Anna will cut off Becky, her friend of several years, because Anna happens to like Chris, who happens to like Becky. Seeing as a lot of women prioritise relationships over friendships, the truth is, it will be a struggle to find high-value women that have decentered men from their lives and value female friendships, their independence and levelling up. Vet every woman you do meet to see if she values herself, you and seeks friendship with you.

Keep working on yourself to be the best version of yourself and in time, you will find people that appreciate you and are worth your efforts! HV people value other HV people! Always remember that! 💛

My best friend is pretty terrible at staying in touch/is often late. However, she's an amazing friend in every other way, so in my book, she gets this as her "one thing". (Also since she's late literally every time I just also plan to be late and it works out fine.) I also put up with it because I know she is legitimately super busy, and when we do get together it's awesome. And if I ever actually *need* her, she's there.

I've solved it by setting boundaries on the labor I'm willing to do. Like maybe Monday I'll let her know I'm pretty free this weekend and ask if she wants to do anything. Then I won't track her down throughout the week at all. If she gets back to me, she does, if she doesn't she doesn't. Then she'll text me that Friday and ask if I'm free the next weekend. If I'm not free the next weekend, I don't move those plans to make time for her. Basically, I let her know when I'll be free but getting together just happens when it happens.

I would not do this for a new friend though. This is a woman whose wedding I officiated.

It's also something that isn't triggering or stressful to me, but if it is to you, then that's that.

I feel you ❤️. This is one of my major triggers too. The truth is, most people are not interested in doing friendship maintenance anymore, as you have identified correctly when referring to the various memes about interpersonal communication. The internet has ruined our brains and deluded us into thinking that relationships don't require work, and that you have friends because you have a network of semi-real acquaintances, and it looks like they are "just there".

In this techno-political environment people are becoming lazy and pathologically avoidant. So they push away other well meaning people because they're "depressed", but they are too dissociated to realize they are depressed because they lack relationship and community in their life. I also know people who low key try to pass their mysanthropy as a form of coolness. You see them hanging out with other people because "cliques" are lower effort.

Yes, you can and should distance yourself from people who never reciprocate your effort, but this won't be a magic fix because so many people are like that at this point. The difficult part isn't deprioritazing them. The difficult part is finding people who want to invest in friendships and be considerate to their friends. It's not a me or you problem or even them specifically. It's a cultural problem.

I admit I am very depressed about this. It does make me feel like there's something wrong with me, because if 99% of people are cold, maybe I am the problem? Maybe they just don't wanna hang out with ME? Sure, it could be, but logically I observe how people operate and I realize there's a whole millennial culture fostering these behaviors. In my experience, people who are older than millennials are mostly not like this. I honestly fear for mine and others people's mental health in this social climate. When I talk about this with my therapist, she often has troubles challenging my perception because she is experiencing similar things in her private life, and apparently so do the majority of her patients.🤦‍♀People are withdrawing en masse.

Edit: I am seeing a lot of good advice on this thread that works for me too. Sorry if I wasn't able to help more, I can only empathize, I'm there with you with the constant disappointment.

Some people would be okay with a friend who has this communication pattern, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. If you feel irritated and disrespected, then you shouldn’t pursue this friendship. You don’t beed to block and delete here, but you can simply focus on other people (or yourself), and view her more like someone you talk to at yoga and that’s it.

I'm guilty of not texting back for a few weeks. Thank you for a wake up call, I will try to text back within two days at least.

The android thing is true, a lot of my texts from my iPhone doesn’t sometimes go to my friend who has an android. i checked with her and turns out she really didn’t get those messages and vice versa. She also said she had this same issue with her other friend who has an iPhone. There is definitely an issue between iMessage and android which I’ve wondered if it was purposely done by Apple to push more ppl towards using iMessage