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I’m in my thirties and I have trouble making friends. Over the past few years, I have had to really look at who I want in my life. I already have a small group, and it’s only getting smaller. I’m down to two people who treat me badly. My mother thinks both girls are not good for me and I should not engage, but like the things is, if I stop hanging out with them, I’ll officially be alone and have no friends. It’s not that I’m afraid of being lonely since I have been alone my whole life, and I can manage doing things on my own. I know how to make myself happy, but I also want people in my life.
My mother does not like these two girls and her reasons are extremely valid. With one girl, my mother thinks that she’s jealous of me and trying to bring me down to her level by setting me up on dates with men that aren’t on my level and are worse off than her husband. In addition, my mother doesn’t like how this friend is using me. So, her birthday is in a week, and this girl wants me to come early, take care of her kids, and help her decorate. On one hand, I don’t mind because her kids are cute, but my mother is saying that I’m always doing stuff like this for her and uses this scenario as an example of her using me.
As for the other girl, I’m actually a little hurt by this, but idk why… so this other girl asked me to train together for a marathon, and I was super excited. However, it never happened. She said we could train together when the weather is nice. However, she told me came up with bronchitis, and I guess the weather was never nice. She told me she wasn’t going to do the marathon because it was expensive, but then this weekend, she made a posting on Instagram about her participation in the marathon. I’m a little hurt by this, but on one hand, I know she can do whatever she wants. In addition, she made this really half-assed plans after her marathon to go for afternoon tea with me, which I declined because I wasn’t interested in, and also the mood didn’t feel right so I just meh 🫤 about it. Anyways, when I told my mother about how I felt, she also said this girl is also not a friend, because she leaves me hanging. My mother has said that this girl is always lukewarm with me where she makes plans but always cancels with excuses like how she needs to redo her house, the weather, and illness.
From this, I told her that it’s really hard for me to make friends. My mother understands and said that I should not consider these girls as good friends, because of how they treat me. I think my mother is onto to something. Now, I’m just left with my own thoughts, and I guess, I don’t have friends that I can consider close.
I have been doing things on my own, and sometimes it gets lonely.
FDS, how do you deal with this? Have you ever been in stage where you had to basically drop everyone you know and forge new relationships later in life?
It’s just so hard! Because I see people having so many friends, and going on trips with them. As for me, I’m off doing things alone.
Queen of cutting people off here 🙋♀️ I realized young my choices and values would not make me popular so I've accepted myself and decided I wouldn't stoop to the common levels with which many are okay. People get big feelings about this no matter how it happens. I don't really care, they can die mad about it. If you don't make me feel good about myself and bring out the best in me why are we friends? If they're going off about how I think I'm so good of a person and think so highly of myself it's usually projection because they think lowly of themselves and wish I'd accept less. Like I've stated in other comments, I soundly reject being used as an optimization piece by others and society pressures us to optimize every aspect of our lives.
Have you ever watched manifestelle? She talks a lot about friendships with women and I found it helpful. A big takeaway is to make sure that you aren't accidentally friends with your biggest haters - the people that are jealous of you, wish bad on you, and try to sabotage you. I absolutely believe being alone is preferable to being around shitty people.
That being said, I'm also at the part of my journey like the other commenters have said (hey 30s club) where I'm trying to find new niches where I belong culturally, socially, and personally. I've taken time to reflect and meditate on this and am still brainstorming ideas for myself. If anyone has suggestions I'm all ears!