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I’m in my thirties and I have trouble making friends. Over the past few years, I have had to really look at who I want in my life. I already have a small group, and it’s only getting smaller. I’m down to two people who treat me badly. My mother thinks both girls are not good for me and I should not engage, but like the things is, if I stop hanging out with them, I’ll officially be alone and have no friends. It’s not that I’m afraid of being lonely since I have been alone my whole life, and I can manage doing things on my own. I know how to make myself happy, but I also want people in my life.
My mother does not like these two girls and her reasons are extremely valid. With one girl, my mother thinks that she’s jealous of me and trying to bring me down to her level by setting me up on dates with men that aren’t on my level and are worse off than her husband. In addition, my mother doesn’t like how this friend is using me. So, her birthday is in a week, and this girl wants me to come early, take care of her kids, and help her decorate. On one hand, I don’t mind because her kids are cute, but my mother is saying that I’m always doing stuff like this for her and uses this scenario as an example of her using me.
As for the other girl, I’m actually a little hurt by this, but idk why… so this other girl asked me to train together for a marathon, and I was super excited. However, it never happened. She said we could train together when the weather is nice. However, she told me came up with bronchitis, and I guess the weather was never nice. She told me she wasn’t going to do the marathon because it was expensive, but then this weekend, she made a posting on Instagram about her participation in the marathon. I’m a little hurt by this, but on one hand, I know she can do whatever she wants. In addition, she made this really half-assed plans after her marathon to go for afternoon tea with me, which I declined because I wasn’t interested in, and also the mood didn’t feel right so I just meh 🫤 about it. Anyways, when I told my mother about how I felt, she also said this girl is also not a friend, because she leaves me hanging. My mother has said that this girl is always lukewarm with me where she makes plans but always cancels with excuses like how she needs to redo her house, the weather, and illness.
From this, I told her that it’s really hard for me to make friends. My mother understands and said that I should not consider these girls as good friends, because of how they treat me. I think my mother is onto to something. Now, I’m just left with my own thoughts, and I guess, I don’t have friends that I can consider close.
I have been doing things on my own, and sometimes it gets lonely.
FDS, how do you deal with this? Have you ever been in stage where you had to basically drop everyone you know and forge new relationships later in life?
It’s just so hard! Because I see people having so many friends, and going on trips with them. As for me, I’m off doing things alone.
Yup, been there. Still kinda there.
My 30s have been one long friend purge and I highly recommend it. For a long time I had no friends and just a few acquaintances.
It can be lonely, but you get used to your own company, entertaining yourself, figuring out what you like, saving money, time and energy to redirect on yourself. Plus, you can reflect on just how shitty those relationships were/are. Distance is necessary for clarity, and it will surprise you just how much worse they are than you think.
With time and intentionality, you can built the life and relationships you want to have in your life instead of the unsatisfying ones available. Once you start to see the difference in quality, you'll be glad you held the line. Small steps are still steps.
Same boat here, and I have no family around either. I have made friends with my coworkers outside of work, but they are mostly superficial connections as well. I hate doing everything alone. It gets old after a while not having any company to make memories with. I have recently joined a discord server that is essentially a Meetup group for different things in my area, but people aren't really active on it.
I don't really have any advice, but you're not alone in your experience. I also agree with your mother. It's difficult finding people to connect with who aren't just in it for their own interest and to use you. But, you will build resentment keeping those people in your life. I think it's better to cut them out, even at the risk of being lonely, than to have that negative energy surrounding you.
Queen of cutting people off here 🙋♀️ I realized young my choices and values would not make me popular so I've accepted myself and decided I wouldn't stoop to the common levels with which many are okay. People get big feelings about this no matter how it happens. I don't really care, they can die mad about it. If you don't make me feel good about myself and bring out the best in me why are we friends? If they're going off about how I think I'm so good of a person and think so highly of myself it's usually projection because they think lowly of themselves and wish I'd accept less. Like I've stated in other comments, I soundly reject being used as an optimization piece by others and society pressures us to optimize every aspect of our lives.
Have you ever watched manifestelle? She talks a lot about friendships with women and I found it helpful. A big takeaway is to make sure that you aren't accidentally friends with your biggest haters - the people that are jealous of you, wish bad on you, and try to sabotage you. I absolutely believe being alone is preferable to being around shitty people.
That being said, I'm also at the part of my journey like the other commenters have said (hey 30s club) where I'm trying to find new niches where I belong culturally, socially, and personally. I've taken time to reflect and meditate on this and am still brainstorming ideas for myself. If anyone has suggestions I'm all ears!
Going through it right now too! At 32 I've finally managed to erase, stamp out, or block any lingering or remaining toxic connections (mostly male scavengers pretending we are 'friends' in exchange for emotional labor). It's like ripping a very sticky bandaid off-- hurts like hell, it's terrifying, alienating. I had moments of terror and weakness where I thought I had made a mistake and should try to make amends or that I was some bad person and everyone vanished because of my inherent badness. Nope. Give yourself space for a bit. Reunite with who you actually are. What you actually enjoy and like to do. It's surprising what we lose when we fawn and put on masks for the approval of others.
Once you find yourself you can go outward to find other people. I have reached out to female friends long lost and tried to rekindle those friendships if they are receptive. I also focus on women only groups. Depending on your city there may be a lot of options. But once I started showing up to events consistently other women started inviting me to things and it sort of ignites from there. Just keep surrounding yourself with women, center women (men will see your loneliness immediately and prey upon you), and stay true to your genuine self most of all. The people who don't have your rhythm will fall away and those that do will stick around. Prioritize yourself and your passions.
You will get to a point where you are so secure in yourself, friends like that annoy you and naturally you just don’t feel like dealing with them. I don’t know how to explain it but I had the same issue as you in my 20s. I’m not sure what happened, I think for me after maybe finding fulfillment and success career wise, I just stopped caring about people like that. Word for word those friends you described are like the ones I got rid of. There was one I cut off about a month ago I was friend with for almost 11 years. About a year ago I realized she was exhausting and toxic to be around - almost like a combination of all three girls you described, and one day I decided to treat her exactly the way she treated me - like an afterthought - and she didn’t like it lol. Got to the point where I realized my life was better without her, started naturally recoiling at her calls and not wanting to go to her bday. One day she came crying to me about why I’m distancing myself, asked me if I wanted to be her friend anymore and I thought about it and said you know what, I don’t. Big change from when we were in our early 20s and I’d let her walk all over me, not show up to things that were important to me but demand I go to her stuff, only call me when it’s convenient. Good riddance. It’s so easy to make friends nowadays why put up with that crap. I’m realizing now the less you care the more people flock to you. You will get there too one day.
Your 30s is like re-birth. Unlike your 20s you know who are now and what your willing to put up with in friendships. It's a scary journey but well worth it.
We're basically in the same boat.
I'm in my 30s, very busy with my professional life, and FDS-level picky about my friendships. 99% of the time, I prefer to be by myself after work so I can rest and recharge. I have zero tolerance for LV men or women. This is probably why I haven't made any new friends in recent years, if I'm being honest. The two people I tried to be friends with in the past few years turned out to be LV or disloyal, so I ghosted them. I think having disloyal friends is worse than having no friends.
I also live in a fairly introverted, conservative city, where people prioritize families and do not socialize much. At this point, I don't have any friends who live near me.
What keeps me from feeling lonely is interacting with people at work. Workplace interactions are no substitute for genuine friendships, but they can keep the loneliness at bay.
Would you consider moving to a new city? Some cities are just not built for socializing.
It's a numbers game - I've found just going to tons of social events (mostly board games and saying "yes" to every invitation to a group thing from people) and finding the few people who aren't insufferable is usually how you cultivate a closer friend circle. Then you can start relying mostly on that circle as it gets more cemented.
Yes, I've been there many times in my life. Why? Because I compare all my friendships to the relationship I have with my sister. My sister and I have an effortless friendship and go everywhere together. She let's me be myself and never holds any resentment towards me. Yes, we annoy each other sometimes but we have the capability to move on from it in a healthy way.