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So there was a time in my life where I was going to a lot of group hangouts and parties but I still felt really lonely. I couldn't understand why, and then I realized it was probably because I prefer one-on-one hangouts. So when I would just get coffee or lunch with one other person or I would have a long phone call with a friend I would feel much better than I would if I went to a party. I also realized I prefer friends who can meet more regularly rather than those I have to wait for months to see again. I know some people would prefer less frequent hangouts of higher quality (like doing something really fun together when you do meet like going to a museum or aquarium or something) instead of more frequent hangouts that are more "low effort" (getting coffee, walking around in the park, etc.) but I really need to see people more frequently.
I am a really busy person and so are most of my friends, which sucks. I can barely see them cause either I have something to do or they do. It's honestly a struggle just to schedule a one-hour phone call at a time when we both are available. It really sucks and I can't just change my schedule for them, so I have to deal with being really lonely and socially isolated most of the time. My friends travel a lot too so sometimes they are in different countries when I am finally free to meet.
I also don't really like being around people who I can't trust to talk about stuff like mental health or deeper topics. I don't like small talk.
Do I just have to lower my standards to avoid being lonely and kind of just suck it up and go to parties and make small talk? Or do I need to work on being more independent and not relying on others?
I'm pretty independent and don't have a lot of need for social interaction. But we don't have to aim for either "complete solitude" or "overly dependant". It's healthy to try for the middle of the two extremes and have some balance.
I still want friends. That's not going to materialize by itself, I have to get the ball rolling by going out and meeting more people.
Think about how your friendships started. Odds are you were both doing something with a bigger group.
Yes, small talk is awkward and I don't think most people like it either.
Yes, everyone's busy, but when something is important to you, you make time.
I had a friend who was always too busy for me. That's why I say "had a friend". I understand people have things to do. I was willing to bend over backwards to arrange things around her schedule. I don't pepper people with texts or expect instant replies. She still couldn't even be bothered to answer. It was getting to the point she was practically showing me I wasn't that important to her. Honestly, it took me too long to take a hint, let that friendship go and move on.
I tend to do one on one kind of hangouts. That being said, I don’t mind group hangouts, but the only catch is that I get quieter. People think I’m angry but that is just how it is with me. I like to observe and listen during group settings there’s nothing wrong with me I’m happy as a clam.
I agree with everything the first commenter said. You won’t make friends and have deep conversations right away so small talk must be made at first. Once you’re both comfortable and trusting of each other then deeper conversations will happen. I totally understand not liking aimless small talk; I can relate to that. It’s usually superficial and fake but you annoyingly have to have it before deep conversations will happen.
Secondly, you could make a friend or two within a group of people and if you click with them, you could ask them to hang out one-on-one. Like you, I don’t like feeling like I have to be the initiator but sometimes, you’ll have to be. If you find that you always make the effort to ask for a person’s number, text them first and ask to hang out more than they do then don’t bother trying with them because you care more than they do. I agree that we all make time for what’s important to us so if a friend hardly keeps in contact with you then they just don’t care.
Lastly, don’t ever lower your boundaries. People will make you feel as if your boundaries are ‘too much’, but don’t listen to them. People always do this when you they can’t give others what they want and deserve. Also, yes, be independent and don’t overly rely on others. People won’t always be able to give us what we want so we must learn how to stand on our own two feet.