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Hi Queens, I’m seeking advice on what to do with this friendship dilemma. One of my closest friends (of 10+ years) aligns with FDS principles but ever since our college days I noticed we clash in our values on spontaneity vs planning.
About Me: busy woman working as a lawyer and have many family commitments, so I value ✨planning✨. I live off my google calendar that’s often scheduled by the hour, even scheduling my downtime/selfcare wherever possible and I try to stick to it. Last year I had a scary round of burnout / chronic stress / health issues so these days I’m overly cautious of overworking myself and unpredictability.
About Her: also a busy woman (full time career + full time Masters degree) but she values ✨spontaneity✨! She’s in therapy for her avoidant attachment (broken family / childhood trauma) and apparently needs to practice going with the flow, prioritising her needs (to unlearn people pleasing her parents) and to rediscover herself, all of which I respect and would expect a HVW to do.
The Problem: This clash in values is starting to strain our friendship. I get so stressed and frustrated with organising our meetups because she always changes the times/places/terms, often without asking if that’s what I want and only because it suits her. I find it hard to negotiate with her because her avoidant tendencies means she doesn’t open up and explain why she’s constantly changing things. She’s so “spontaneous” that she’s even invited guests then uninvited them 😂, and has often cancelled/rescheduled only to then UNDO it last minute (“hey I know we cancelled tonight but I’m free again, let’s do 6pm?”) etc. This isn’t a once or twice thing, this happens many times in the lead up to a single event, then even an hour before meeting, she’ll want to change it AGAIN last minute because she’s not feeling it or been delayed or wants to do xyz instead. I’d put my foot down saying that’s not what we agreed on. She’d apologise but also say she’s trying to practice her therapy.
Yet once we meet up, things are amazing! I’ll admit sometimes her spontaneity has fun results (e.g. one time it became one of our best memories) but usually it’s just stressful… and I can sense she’s stressed and upset when plans don’t work out or when I cancel in a huff.
Both her and mutuals imply I’m stressing too much, being too rigid and maybe being “lawyer-esque”. They say friendships should be casual and comfortable (hanging out, being on call, going with the flow, etc). One person even explained to me that society has become way too schedule-based, people don’t just “pop in” anymore and that being a bit more spontaneous can be good for our wellbeing + friendships. I can see that view, so I’m torn.
What do you ladies think?
From what you wrote, it sounds like she's naturally flakey but when gets called out on it, she blames her trauma and uses her therapy as an excuse.
Personally, her behavior wouldn't work for me. I had a 'friend' of 10 years constantly cancel last minute for dumb reasons and eventually it got to me (among other things, of course).
I have a schedule and stick to my commitments. So should she.
Of course, I am open to flexibility (the other day a gal pal was in my area and texted to see if I was free to grab a coffee and I was so I went), but it can't get in the way of life.
I guess it comes down to respect.
It doesn't sound like she respects you or your time. Is that ok with you? 10 years down the road, if she never improves this behavior, will you be resentful and/or angry at yourself for sticking around?