Going NC with your own mother

I went NC with my mother when I realized that her abusive, toxic, and narcissistic behavior was never going to change. Sometimes, the decision hurts because there is a part of me that yearns for a stable daughter/mother relationship. However, the peace that I feel after going NC definitely outweighs the dread and anxiety of having to walk on eggshells when I’m talking to her or in her presence.

I'm going through the same thing right now except with both my parents. Long story but I am planning on making a swift exit NC block etc. My own parents who I loved dearly up until I woke up out of the cloud of abuse. They are also in their mid 70s. It's not an easy decision.

The most important thing is your mental, physical and spiritual health though. This is your life and you do not owe abusers anything. Finding a good therapist who understands your mother's mental condition (if it's narcissism it will never change etc) can help organize the thoughts and emotions going on around your decision.

For me it would depend on how bad she is or how bad what she’s done is. My mom has some toxic personality traits, but once I realized it I set some hard boundaries with her. She hated it and I ended up not talking to her for a year, and it was emotionally hard, but now we have a relationship again and she knows not to fuck with me or push my boundaries because I won’t put up with it anymore. Physical distance is important and not seeing each other too much helps too.

Now if she’d physically harmed me or stolen money or meddled in my life in ways that really sabotaged me (caused me to lose a job, relationship, friendship, etc) or was a hopeless alcoholic or addict —then I would go no contact.

I still have my mom in my life, but I went full no contact with my sister who has always hated me and never given me a reason. When we were kids she used to hurt me when my parents weren’t looking. Any interaction with her results in harm or drama and I’m too old for that. There was no relationship to salvage. She never tried to have one with me —any interaction with her she tries inflict physical or psychological harm. If that’s your mom, definitely run.

The need to go complete NC with my cluster b disordered parent, and my enabler doormat parent and aunt was immediately self-evident when they colluded to attempt to trick me into a visit after my disordered parent and enabler parent both harmed my teenage child in a sexually humiliating manner.

I felt relief. The enablers in the toxic family system are truly the most dangerous. Now we enjoy total peace. Their future is their problem to sort out.

I‘ve had to go no contact with my whole family since my parents were so narcissistic, emotionally abusive, formely physically abusive and controlling, barely letting me go out and wouldn’t stop screaming at me for little to no reason while my brother was allowed to sit at home all day, playing video games and still never having worked a job in his life as a grown adult.

I simply waited until they left for a vacation and i blocked them then booked a one way plane ticket across the country to a new city. Extreme but I had to get the hell out because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t let them know anything about my move either.

I went no contact for 5 years and my mother kept sending me unhinged emails despite blocking her then got a lawyer to threaten to sue me lol.

Somehow I caved into my loneliness after those years. (Surviving on your own in your early 20s in an expensive city is fucking brutal ) so I contacted my brother who convinced me to contact my mother again.

She’s kind of better now that she sort of understands my boundaries and tries to make up with it with money and gifts. I still sometimes regret being in contact with her again bc she gets her narcissism flare ups and snaps at me saying random insults like “you have shit taste in fashion!” Bc I won’t wear high heels 🙃 and I have to deal with my still emotionally abusive father here and there but I am limited contact/grey rocking him.

I’ll snap at them back to show I’m not fucking weak prey and that I’m now a retired people pleaser. Part of me will always resent them as well.

just know if you do go limited contact rather than no contact, cut all visits to them or never move back in.

my mother is still pressuring me to move back in and I know it will be the same hell except worse than it was before. Having distance like living in a far away state, never visiting them not even for holidays, will save your sanity and wellbeing besides just greyrocking

my theory about eldest daughters:

we are the buffer between the NVM husband and the abused wife. the husband tantrumed and narc’d, and so the wife had to keep a very tight control on the baby, the female child who was even more vulnerable than she, so she wouldn’t provoke the wrath of the NVM.

hence the crippling perfectionism, self-doubt and people-pleasing.

it’s like being suffocated as soon as you learn how to breathe.

eff that ish. 😤😡🤬

as i become a Block + Delete Master, i realize i don’t have to put up with anyone’s disrespect.

i’m so happy women are finally out-earning men. time to show the world how to operate without fawn and freeze in full effect.

Honestly I went almost no contact a long while back. (basically no contact). I always wanted to feel positive feelings toward her - from a distance - and have that boundary in place. I imagined maybe coming back into her life when she was old and frail and offering love and supports. Even financial assistance. Family is a big value of mine. (this was used against me to be honest). Even with everything, I wanted to be able to give back in some way. And, I knew I had to protect myself, too.

Unfortunately, things took a turn a while back, and despite things being almost no contact, she pretty much destroyed the tiny thread I was trying to keep alive between us, in some (healthy) way.

I don't ultimately know what the future holds, but at this point it looks unlikely that we'll be in each other's lives again. So much water under the bridge, so much damage done. She basically beat me to the ground and left me to rot. It's hard to feel any loyalty to someone who treats you like that. Of course it wasn't just her, but the entire family system.

I am worth so much more.

Life is too short. And it is precious.

Some people think that if someone is family, then they can treat them however they want and they'll always be there. For me, family means giving each other the BEST of one another, and making things right when/if things go wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, we are all human, after all. Family is about cherishing to the utmost, not using and abusing just because you take for granted they'll always be there no mater what. wth? It's been a LOT to grieve, and it's hard not having that relationship. But... I never had it, to be real. I wouldn't recommend it (cutting it off) unless you have tried almost every other avenue. But if she refuses to change/take accountability (signature narc move), and it's costing you your sanity/healthy/happiness/serenity/well-bing etc, it's time to do some soul searching.... How did i come to peace with it? I had to. It was literally putting my life at stake. It was killing me. No, I'm not being dramatic. It got to a point where it was other get the hell away from this person, or you will die. Not saying this is your situation; it was mine. Repercussions from family/society? These are real. You may likely lose contact with your entire family if they are all invested in/hooked into the toxic dynamics. And society will not look kindly on you. This is something very real that you will have to deal with and be VERY discerning with who you share your situation with. It is a very heavy burden. Making peace towards has been a very long journey.

I do it by creating the best life i possibly can, loving myself, and effectively doing the work of clearing generational trauma and karma.

Good luck with whatever you do moving forward. Not an easy thing either way.