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I’m 27F, and my fiancé is 28F. We got engaged 5 months ago. My SO’s family dynamics are very different from mine. At the time we met, she was living in her mothers house. Her father (who my SO has vowed never to look at or speak to ever again due to complicated and messy past, he’s not a good person, husband or father) lived in the basement. Her parents are essentially separated but maintain a happy united front to the outside world. My SO also has a younger brother, 18yo living at home. He will be moving away for college next month, likely coming home on holidays and summer.
11 months ago, MIL moved back to their home country in Asia to accept a job. She left my SO behind to care for her younger brother. MIL expects my SO to baby her brother the same way she does. He has little to no life skills and is an entitled boy who has never had to do anything himself. Chronically gaming or watching incel stuff on his phone. He is intelligent and doesn’t get into trouble, so I have hope for his future. Their father moved out into his own apartment. It was planned for the little brother to move out with him, so it’s just my SO taking care of the house. Of course little bro decided to stay at home because his dad sucks.
Before MIL moved away, she was kind and always included me in the family. Thanked me for taking such good care of her daughter. Asked me to take good care of her when MIL leaves the country. Asked me to move in to the home to take care of her daughter. I did not move in then, but I spent a lot of my time there with my SO and her little bro.
After getting engaged, I officially moved in to the family house and began paying rent. I advocated for a rental agreement (to protect myself) and despite not really wanting to do it, MIL obliged. I was very hesitant to move in because I had already noticed codependent attitudes in the family, triangulation, and subtle manipulation. I wanted my SO and I to get our own place, have a space of our own. MIL was manipulating my SO into staying in the home. It was financially beneficial for us to stay, and of course MIL wants her house taken care of while she’s gone. So I signed the rental agreement and have been living there for 5 months. Our plan is to stay here up to 5 years, to save up and buy a house. In 5 years is when MIL retires and would likely move back here.
A trip back to Asia was in the plans for this month. Because of work restraints, I was unsure I could come. SO and MIL both really wanted me to come to see where my SO grew up. After getting engaged, I decided it is important for our relationship that I come to Asia. I was prepared to quit my job to be able to come, thankfully after that conversation my boss made an exception for me to take vacation.
So now I’m in my SO’s home country. I was invited to stay in a hotel that MIL is paying for. Since my arrival, MIL has been very distant with me. Hardly making eye contact or saying a word to me. Despite my attempts to make conversation, she has not reciprocated or asked me a single question. I came down with food poisoning a few days ago and am still suffering symptoms of that. Despite that, I was trying to tough it out and joined my SOs family on excursions around town. Because of the heat and my dehydration from being sick, I reached my breaking point yesterday. Despite my looking and being obviously unwell and bursting into tears at lunch (heat stroke/dehydration/hunger), MIL has not once asked if I’m okay.
Yesterday I decided to stay at the hotel. I wanted my SO to stay with me, and I told her that, but I also told her I don’t expect her to stay because I know time with her mom is precious. SO left with the family, leaving me alone in the hotel. I broke down and realized I really needed my SOs support in the moment. I asked her to come home to me.
SO came back to the hotel. I communicated my feelings - about not feeling well, being run down trying to keep up with her for the sake of her family, how I just need her to take care of me right now because she is the only thing I have in this country. I talked about her mothers shift in attitude towards me. Then SO gets multiple calls from MIL. MIL demanded SO to go back out and meet her across town that night, or else she will kick us out of the hotel and won’t see my SO the rest of the trip. She told my SO that I’m too needy for her, that I’m not a good fit for her, that I disrespected my MIL by demanding my SO come back to take care of me. When SO spoke about her distant attitude towards me, she said that because she’s the elder, I need to be the one to start conversation and I haven’t tried to talk to her since being her (untrue).
My SO went back out to meet with her mom. I understand that. In the meantime I was brainstorming what do I do… I just want to go home but I live under MILs roof. I don’t feel secure or safe staying in this hotel now, and I don’t feel safe or secure living in her house. When my SO returned, I told her we need to get our own hotel room or I need to fly home early. I won’t let anyone manipulate and treat me this way, the bare minimum I need is to feel secure. I spoke to the fact that when we’re home, we need to make a plan to move out because if her mom is threatening to take away our hotel here, she sure as hell will use the house as a power piece to manipulate us.
I told my SO that she needs to defend me to her mom. I said that I will never make her choose between me or her mom, the way her mom is doing right now. I never want my SO in that position. I told her that because we are life partners, sometimes she will have to prioritize me over her mom and it will not be easy for her or her mom.
My SO feels so torn. She agrees to defend me and reconsider our living situation back home. She doesn’t want to have to pick between me and her mom. Because she feels so torn, I offered to go along with sweeping this under the rug for now (what her mom has already began to do) and staying in this hotel room to make things smoother and easier for this trip. If we get our own hotel room, or if I confront MIL now, MIL will take it as disrespectful and it could get very messy. My SO agrees to couples counselling and coming up with a plan to move out when we’re home.
I warned my SO that her mom may never like me, or ever think I am good enough, and she will make my SO choose between me and her mom again. I hope my SO will have the strength to defend me and prioritize me and our relationship, over her moms demands. My SO feels so indebted to her mom because of all the ways she has helped her (financially). My SO is used to this treatment from her mom. I worry that my SO's sense of obligation may take priority over our relationship. I warned my SO that if she doesn’t prioritize me when I need her to, that it will hurt our relationship.
I don’t know if I should invite MIL out to lunch, just the two of us and express my concerns. I would do it in a respectful manner, and avoid blame or using triggering language. But I know that she will take any concern as disrespectful. Maybe it is best to wait it out, and hope we are moved out of the house before the next blowout. MIL has never said a negative word to me directly, so I expect her to just pretend everything is the same when I see her again. I don’t want my SO treated this way by anyone, especially her own mother. In the future I see a strong likelihood of me confronting MIL and defending my SO when it gets too much. I have so much anger towards MIL now, and it hurts me because I just can’t understand MILs behaviour. I have done nothing to warrant this treatment. I have done so much for my SO and her mom and her family. I come from a very healthy and functional family, with no toxicity or manipulation or abuse. This is all so new to me. I want my SO to learn that this treatment is NEVER okay, I want my SO to prioritize me.
Break up.
If the MIL is Asian, this is only the tip of the iceberg. She will suck the life out of you and your relationship with your fiancée, and it sounds like your fiancée sure as hell isn't standing up for you.
In my experience, if a significant other doesn't stand up for you from the beginning, they will never stand up for you (at least not to the extent you want).
I grew up in a Chinese household, and believe you me, there is no greater evil on the planet than a bad Asian MIL.
I repeat: cut your losses. Your relationship is over.
GET OUT before you have kids with this man! Take it from someone who is still in the bondage of coparenting with a psychopath. It is hell. And my ex-MIL went on an all-out smear campaign against me when I divorced her precious. She even wrote a statement to the court about how I'd neglected her son, saying I only made dinners for myself and my kids (he was on meth ((which is why I left)) so he wasn't hungry, but she took it as me not feeding him). She also told the court I freaking killed a parakeet on purpose. Mind you, this is a woman who used to sing my praises. She told everyone who would listen that I had changed her son's life for the better, and that she loved me like her own daughter. But her subtle negs were always there. Deep down, she never thought I was good enough. And in the end she came out swinging trying to ensure her grandkids were kept in UNSAFE situations because its what her precious wittle boy wanted.
It WILL get worse!
GET OUT!
Holy shit my ex boyfriend's boymom also broke up our relationship today too - at least you're not alone. She's this like white trash creep who smoked while pregnant and because of that all her kids are nicotine addicts. My ex lied about his addiction during the 2 years we dated until I found out myself. Then I found out she knew and when I was like wtf (he at least apologized) she said it's not her responsibility and she'd lie to me again, and he sided with her so I ended things. What a loser. It was definitely a Barb the Builder situation though (except it's impossible to really build when there's nothing to work with).
EXACTLY my situation. Fucking creepy.
Thanks everyone for the variety of advice. Different input helps me see different perspectives.
Update:
My SO is at a point where she understands it is her job to bridge the gap and smooth things between her mother and I. After a talk with her mom and close family friends, my SO understands her mother is acting out of fear of losing her. I reiterated that does not make the manipulative behaviour okay, and I will not let anyone treat me or my SO that way, not even her mom. My SO understands this. During that talk, MIL admitted that she was wrong to act that way (I really never thought she would admit guilt). My SO promises me she will prioritize our relationship, defend me, defend us, and put up boundaries with her mother around talking negatively about me. My SO will try to show her mom she is not losing her daughter to me, to ease MIL’s fear and hopefully prevent acting out. I explained to my SO that it’s a fine line between reassuring her mom, and crossing boundaries that may negatively impact our relationship.
The 18yo brother defended my SO and I during this conversation with their mom. I appreciated and didn’t expect that. The living situation back home with him is another thing entirely.
Overall, I have hope that my SO and I will move forward positively from this. I’m glad we are addressing this family dynamic early on. I will let my SO take the lead on smoothing things out with her mother (as it should be). I still want to move out of MILs house asap and that’s a conversation for when we are back home.
I would try to learn more about your MIL, stuff she likes and admires. Maybe think back to old conversations and try to pick out details.
Then invite her out to a lunch or bar and just have a few drinks with her and then ask her those questions, she might come clean and be honest about how she feels.
It sounds like your SO may be traumatized and taking your narcissistic MILs side by default just to avoid drama and trauma. She also just sounds stressed with all that crap going on and she may want you to take the lead on making Mil like you.
Judging by the whole thing I honestly think this thing might crash and burn only because of taking care of the 18 yo scrote variable, that sounds stressful as hell.
I wouldn't say immediately leave your SO first. Try taking initiative and play the narcissists game, that's how it goes sometimes.
IF your mil actually says anything heinous and your SO doesn't defend you I'd call that a red flag for the relationship in general. That whole thing sounds stressful.
Your Mil might be sensing a lack of stoicism during having food poisoning and maybe that's what's tipping her off as you being needy, and expecting your SO to take care of you, her brother and her mom's emotions might just be too much to handle and she's just gone on straight autopilot. Not to be rude but it might be their way of saying "suck it up".