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I just need to vent, because to me this sounds like the biggest pickme move ever and I'm just really annoyed because I never thought she would be that kind of friend who throws her friends under the bus for a man.
This is a pretty long story, so hear me out:
We've been best friends since 8th grade. She has Turkish parents who are more conservative/traditional leaning. She got married at 20 to a Turkish guy she knew from her childhood and who's from the same village as her family. Now, she was born and raised in an Western country, he's from Turkey.
They got together without even meeting in real life and just having phone and video calls and a year later they got married in Turkey.
Unfortunately their marriage didn't last because he got verbally abusive and controlling, so after 5 years of marriage she divorced him. It was a long and difficult process because she also had to deal with vile behavior from her family in law, who even tried to convince her to stay with him and work things out.
Who by the way knew that her ex husband had psychological issues, but never bothered to tell her!!! They KNEW he's a scrote, but let my friend walk blindly into this on purpose.
Throughout the marriage her family in law was also constantly pressuring her to have a baby with him, but she was still studying and was indecisive. I was immediately telling her to not do it, that it's a stupid idea, that she still has all the time in the world and even though she almost gave in, she decided to not have kids yet.
They wanted to manipulate her into getting baby trapped by her good for nothing husband!!!
Either way, after a messy divorce that was finally over, she pretty shortly afterwards met her new boyfriend. He started flirting with her and asked her to be his girlfriend after around two months of talking. He also immediately asked her if she wanted to marry him simultaneously with asking her to be his girlfriend. They've known each other from work already, so they weren't strangers to each other.
At that time, my friend had a very stressful time at her job as a manager at a fast food chain. During that time, I heard close to nothing from her. I was regularly hitting her up once in a while, asking her how she's doing, she replied with pretty short messages and after another reply from my side where I was asking a follow up question, I heard nothing from her back.
This texting pattern went on like this a couple of times over the course of a few months wihtout her ever reaching out herself. I was thinking, okay, she's obviously very stressed and doesn't have a lot of mental energy, so I leave her alone for now and wait until she reaches out herself.
Well, as soon as I stopped reaching out, I heard nothing from her for half a year. And mind you, she's not just an acquaintance, we're supposedly best friends. Or used to be. With an acquaintance I wouldn't really care.
I have no doubt that the kind of job she had is extremely stressful, but then again, she apparently still had time for her boyfriend, but couldn't bother to send one text within months to someone she calls her best friend.
The only time she reached out to me again was when she announced that she's getting married to her boyfriend (that was after a year of being in a relationship with him) and that she's going to have a Henna evening the day before. It's a Muslim tradition where the bride invites her female friends and relatives over and they're all getting henna tattoos.
On the one hand, I found it very weird that she wouldn't reach out for months on end, not even apologize or give some sort of explanation (not like she owes me, but that's what a good friend would do), and just now would come back all of a sudden when she's getting married, BUT at that time, I was just happy to talk to her and accepted her invitation.
In the back of my mind I was still side eyeing her though. My other best friend would come too, so I said okay, I'll come and shoved my annoyance and confusion aside for the time being.
She quit her job and is now thinking what she wants to do next career wise.
After her getting married (it's nothing huge, just a quick ceremony of roughly 15 minutes), when I hit her up occasionally, she replied normally, but then within the course of the next few weeks, she again started to disappear. I was texting her asking whe she would have time to meet up because I wanted to give her a wedding present and also her birthday present, but I never got a reply from her.
And she did the exact same thing with my other best friend, she also wanted to give her a present, but never got a response. That was back in February this year.
Sooo after that, I reached out once again in April because there was Eid, a Muslim holiday after the end of Ramadan and I just wanted to wish her a happy holiday. Again, no response. That was basically my last straw. I haven't reached out after that anymore and in my mind, I've already downgraded her from best friend to acquaintance.
Some people asked me if I ever asked her if something was wrong and actually called her out. Maybe I should, but then again, if she's not even responding to the most simple messages and dodges/ignores any attempts to hang out one on one, why would I bother?
She obviously cannot be bothered to hit me up for months on end and is apparently fine with just ignoring me, so I don't see how I should be the one to come after her AGAIN. If she really cares, SHE would contact ME for once. But she doesn't. I think that's everything I need to know. And she knows what she's doing as well.
She has functioning hands and a functioning phone and she obiviously is able to reach out when it conveniences her.
What just annoys me so much is that we didn't have a fight or anything and now that she found a man she would just drop her friendships. And I doubt she has any new really good friends, because otherwise she would have invited them to her henna event as well. I think her husband is just the center of her universe right now.
It's just annoying, because you need friendships throughout your entire life, you can't just rely on one guy. And I'm sure he will still maintain his friendships with his male friends. I just really hate to see it when people do that, but especially women! Also, my other best friend and me only got to see her man once very shortly at the henna event, but that was it.
Either way, I have other friends as well, so it's not as big of a loss to my social life, but I just really really hate it. Also how normalized it is for women to do that, like our sole purpose is to be with a man and have children and that's it. My friend has always been very good at school, diligent and intelligent and used to question the rigid roles assigned to women, I would have expected better from her, so it's extremely disappointing.
My question is, in my situation, if she ever came back, would you welcome her back, or would you just ignore her like she did with you?
Use your discretion and follow your gut- if she’s likely to be an abuse victim or overwhelmed/struggling with her new life, just send her a little note “hey how are things? I've noticed you’re busier these days. I hope things are well but just remember I’m here for you if you need :) ”. A true friend won’t take offence to a message like that. And they might wake up and get their priorities straight. I wished my friends woke me up from my pickme habits and reached out more (back then, i was ashamed and felt like i had to handle my abuse and problems alone. Your friend could be the same.)
BUT if it turns out she’s actually a selfish pickme that’s been taking advantage of you or intentionally excluding you from her new life, I’d just stop doing anything and keep a far distance. And I wouldn’t rush to respond if she reached out. Friendships are a two-way street so you’ve done enough, she needs to do her share. But if she doesn’t, then maybe she was only ever meant to be a friend for 10 years and the friendship has run it’s course.
Turkish men are controlling, misogynistic, baby-forcing pieces of shit?
Color me surprised. *sarcasm*
I experienced the same thing, A person I tolerated for too long stopped talking because she had a boyfriend and new friends who seem to be more fun than me , the boyfriend left after 2 years, her friends left her behind and now she wants to reconnect.
Lol bye, I'm not a church you can walk in and out on. i respect everyones right to leave or end contact but don't bother coming back.
Forgiveness is fine but don't take ppl back. If a person shows who they are believe them. Same with women, if she wanted to be your friend even when she has a bf she would.
Also that you need friendships through your whole life is not really true, you are the only one you can build on, not humans.
This is typical of pickmes,.which is most females. But even more typical of women from countries like Turkey where finding a man, marriage, babies are the forced societal norm.
I've had the same thing happen to me. I've had several friends who pretty much stopped reaching out to me once they got married. If I texted them, they'd take at least a day to respond and their response would very curt. In my friends' case, I'm fairly confident that there was no abuse going on. I think that they were just pick-mes who saw no need for their single friends once they got married.
I can't really speak for OP's friend. OP knows her friend better than I do. Maybe just send her a quick text saying something along the lines of: "Hi. I'm sure you're busy and I don't want to bother you with constant texts, so about we just agree that you have my phone number and if you're ever at a loose end and want to meet up for a coffee or a drink, give me a call". It leaves the door slightly open but it also puts the onus on her to reach out to you and not the other way around. IMO that's all you can do really.